


Heart Events

by PrimaveraScript



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Actual cheating, Angst, F/M, Just Married, Married too soon, Slow Burn, Unhappy marriage, emotional cheating, nerds falling in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2019-02-05 09:04:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 50,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12791262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrimaveraScript/pseuds/PrimaveraScript
Summary: Stardew Valley's newest resident has accomplished a lot in the two years since she moved there, including marrying the romantic, poetry writing Elliot. Only it all happened too quickly and now she's realizing she needs something more in her life than beautiful words.Spending more and more of her time finally getting to know the rest of the villagers, she soon finds herself enjoying her time with a  certain introverted nerd more than she probably should.





	1. Chickens

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when I decide I really should give some of the other bachelors a chance, and then get bored of them after getting married and decide to in-game cheat on Elliot with Sebastian, my one true emo-husband haha.

“It just feels like we never really talk. I know it’s not Elliot’s fault; some days I barely see him with all the farm work. But whenever we do get a chance he just, recites poetry to me. I don’t know, it sounds really stupid when I say it like that.” Astrid kicked aside some deadfall as she led Robin past a stand of Maples. She’d have to come out when she got a moment and do some clearing.

“Have you tried talking to him about it? Stupid or not, the problem won’t go away if you two aren’t communicating. Believe me, I know.” Astrid’s ears pricked at the vague mention of Robin’s previous marriage, which no one in Stardew Valley ever mentioned, but was hardly appropriate to bring up right now.

“Sometimes I try, but… Well, I can barely explain what I mean to _you_ , and when I mention it to Elliot he just tells me poetry is ‘the only way he knows to express his feelings’ for me, or that I ‘deserve only beautiful words’.”

Astrid could tell Robin was trying to hide a grin when she said, “You know, farmer, some people might call that romantic.”

“I know, I know. But sometimes I just want to yell that what I _deserve_ is to be spoken to like a real person! Not whatever idealized version of me he saw before we got married.”

That’s what it felt like, Astrid realized, like Elliot didn’t see her as a real person. And she was beginning to wonder if he ever had.

When she’d first moved to the valley, Elliot had been so different from the men she’d known in the city. He’d been determined to live a life of passion, he could appreciate the small, sweet things in life. And he’d been happy to befriend Astrid for who she was – not solely for the opportunity to get into her pants. In fact, Elliot had been endearingly bashful when she’d presented him with a bouquet after his first book reading.

He’d called her his muse and she’d been swept off her feet by his “beautiful words”, and they’d gotten married before they’d known each other more than a year.

At the time she remembered thinking that she knew she loved him, and they’d have the rest of their lives to get to really know each other. Only the passionate life she’d thought she’d have with Elliot still seemed like such a far off, muted thing. How much more time could Astrid give things before she finally had to accept that this was it?

“Farmer?”

Astrid came back to herself suddenly to find that she and Robin had made their way all the way to the far side of her property.

“You were gone for a second there. I was just asking what you thought of this location? It’s a bit of a walk for you in the mornings, but with the pond here it’ll be a convenient water source for the animals.”

“Oh, yes. I think you’re right. If I’m going to be expanding into livestock eventually, it’s good to plan ahead for it now. In the meantime, it’ll be plenty of room for a few chickens.”

Astrid carefully surveyed the plot, planning out where the fencing would have to be installed and mentally calculating how much more lumber she’d need for the posts, when she realized Robin was still staring at her.

“What?” Had she overstepped herself bringing up all that about her problems with Elliot? Robin felt like a friend, but it was also true that they mostly only talked whenever Astrid came by the shop or Robin was doing some work on the farm for her.

Just as she was beginning to worry about everything she’d said getting around the whole town by sundown (as gossip was wont to do in a small community), Robin broke the silence.

“Well, to be honest, it’s just that until our talk, a chicken coop wasn’t exactly the expansion I thought you’d had in mind when you walked into my shop this morning.”

“What do you mean?” Astrid felt her cheeks warming at the older woman’s tone and she had a feeling she know exactly what the other woman was implying.

“I mean, you and Elliot have been married a few months now, and there’s no rush but well, I was expecting you to ask for another addition to the house the next time I saw you. You’re a young married couple starting your lives together; half the town is waiting to hear what _other_ additions you and Elliot might be expecting.”

If it was possible, Astrid’s face burned even more to be the subject of that kind of speculation in the town, and simultaneously felt herself go cold at the memory of the many too-casual mentions of kids Elliot had been dropping over the past few weeks.

“No,” she murmured, not quite able to look Robin in the face as she blushed furiously, “I think Elliot might want– but no. I’m only 23; I’m not ready for… that.”

There was a beat of silence before Robin surprised her by saying, “You’re so young,” shaking her head gently. “I forget you’re only the same age as Sebastian; you take so much responsibility on yourself. I think the whole town forgets.

When you first moved here, I worried about you all the time. Motherly instincts,” she chuckled, “You were so young. But you handled things so well, and then you and Elliot happened so quickly, and sometimes I think maybe too– I’m sorry, that’s not for me to be saying.”

“No,” Astrid but her off, thinking back to her arrival in town. She’d been barely 21 and her whole life had seemed so precarious. A maelstrom that seemed about to ruin everything at any moment. At the center of it Elliot had been a quiet, safe harbor. Someone else who knew what it was to throw away the life they’d been building only to start all over with nothing.

It was what she’d needed at the time.

“Sometimes, I think that too,” she whispered.

 

Astrid left Robin to mark out her work site and made her way back to the farmhouse. The single bedroom cabin was a vast improvement on the rundown, tiny shack she spent most of her first year living in (she’d been so proud on the day she could finally afford the upgrade), but it was still small. Lately it seemed to be getting smaller and smaller.

Coming home to a space that was truly her own, no matter how small, had always brought her such a sense of peace. Now, Astrid found her steps slowing as she neared her home.

She’d slipped out this morning without so much as a “good morning” for Elliot, who had somehow already been occupied in his study ( _that_ addition had been a wedding gift from Robin) when she’d climbed out of bed. If he was working on his new book today it was entirely possible Elliot wouldn’t even have noticed. He’d turn around and greet her with a soft smile and maybe say something about how lovely she looked today (always a stretch to believe when Astrid came home after a long day of cutting wood, or a foray into the mines), and there was nothing _wrong_ with that. There wasn’t.

So why didn’t it feel right anymore?

A stream of happy mews greeted her, shaking Astrid out of her thoughts again as a handsome orange tom cat appeared from behind the horse shed, tail and ears pricked as he trotted over to twine around her legs.

“Good morning, George!” The first man in her life was never complicated and always managed to bring a smile to her face. She scooped up the cat and carried him into the house with her, “You and I need to have a firm talk regarding chickens.”

“Astrid, my star! I missed you this morning. I feel burnt out in your absence, but when I hear that sound of muddy boots on wood, my heart rises from the ash. Now what’s this about chickens?”

Elliot turned to smile at her from where he’d been standing at the kitchen sink, staring out the window and likely contemplating his latest poem.

Astrid clung to George, a loudly purring buffer between the couple, and sidestepped the mention of that morning, “About George, actually. I was warning him off the soon-to-be chickens.”

Speaking of chickens.

“Ah, the great new endeavor.” Astrid’s husband watched her expectantly as the silence between them grew into a physical thing. Now would be a perfect time to do as Robin suggested and try to talk to him properly, but when he looked at her so earnestly she wondered if he could even feel that there was something wrong.

“Actually, Elliot, I wanted to,” she stammered, the words catching in her throat, “er, I mean. I – I wanted to talk about, um,” George leaped out of her arms, abandoning ship before he could be caught up in the oncoming wreck.

“Yes?” Elliot took a step towards her, genuine concern written on his face, and Astrid’s nerve abandoned her.

“Chickens!” She nearly shouted. “About the chickens. Which I am going to go look at. At Marnie’s. Right now. That’s what I wanted to tell you.”

While Elliot was still looking confused about her outburst, Astrid made her escape, literally running away from a man who loved her.

Chicken, indeed.

***

Normally Astrid would cut through the woods south of her farm since it was the fastest way to get to Marnie’s ranch but she again took the cowardly, not to mention _longer,_ way out, taking the eastern path into town. Looping back around at the river was more out of the way than necessary when she didn’t need to go into town, but it was still preferable to stopping to tell Robin about the embarrassing scene that had just taken place in her kitchen. Besides, right now she’d be happy to waste a little time away from the house.

The air was crisp and cool feeling as she walked slowly down the lane into town, the first hint of fall starting to come to the valley. It was Astrid’s favourite season, not least because she couldn’t wait to not start sweating the second she walked out the door every morning. Soon it would be blackberry season and with a few solid days of berry picking, they’d be set for the rest of the year for jams. Everybody loved Astrid’s homemade jam.

She thought about stopping in at Pierre’s since she was going by, but with the new coop going up she really needed to save for more necessary things than new wallpaper for the bedroom. Like feed and seeds, not to mention the chickens themselves. Astrid took a deep breath, turned down towards the town square, and decided she wasn’t going to think about exactly how tight things were going to be for the next little while.

When she drew closer to the river, Astrid heard a voice calling her name. She slowed, glancing around for the source until she noticed a spikey blond on the river bank, wildly waving an arm so she could find him. She couldn’t help the small grin on her face when he beckoned her over, Sam had always been one of the friendliest people in town, from the very first day. It was impossible to dislike the young man, sometimes he seemed to be half happy puppy and half human.

She made her way over to him, and noticed he was not alone when she got a little closer. Sebastian smoked a furtive cigarette while Sam greeted her, opting to avoid the interaction for now. Astrid had always thought their relationship was both the oddest and the most obvious one in town. They were complete opposites, exactly what they other needed in a friend.

“Hey, Sam. Sebastian.” Tall, dark, and moody threw her a reluctant ‘hey’ and let Sam pick up the slack from there. Well, maybe _let_ wasn’t the right word.

“Hey, Astrid! Where have you been? We haven’t even seen you out at the saloon or anything lately.”

She shrugged, not exactly keen to discuss her home life with anyone else today and tried to turn the topic, “Oh, you know, just farm stuff. You guys still writing music?”

“What’s that supposed to mean, ‘farm stuff’? Come on, nothing in this town ever changes. Face it, you’re going to be the most interesting person around until someone else new moves to town,” he laughed.

Astrid could feel her shoulders starting to tense up around her ears, and she was regretting coming over to talk with every word. She’d expected this kind of attention when she’d first moved here, but it’d been almost two years, she’d have thought the rest of the villagers would’ve long ago realized how uninteresting she was. And the last thing she wanted to do right now was talk about herself. _Especially_ if half the town was already gossiping about… other stuff.

Sam was about to start in on her with more questions when Sebastian suddenly smacked his friend in the shoulder, “Are we gonna play SC:VI, or what? I’ve got better things to do than stand around here if we’re just going to talk about boring shit.”

Sam’s face flushed, “Jeez, Seb, you don’t have to be such a dick,” he glanced back at Astrid, “Sorry about tha–”

Astrid jumped on the change of topic in a totally desperate, but hopefully not too obvious way, “Oh you guys play Solorian Chronicles?” She spotted the handheld sticking out of Sam’s pocket. “The table top game will always be best by default, but I have a soft spot for any half-decent RPG.”

For half a second, she watched as Sam had to mentally re-calibrate the way he thought of her. She wasn’t an out and loud nerd, and sometimes her lack of video game t-shirts confused those who were.

“No way, you play too? This town is so full of old people I thought it was just me and Sebastian. Well, and Abigail but she’s too busy wandering around in the woods half the time.”

She could feel Sebastian’s eyes on her, despite the fact he still seemed mostly focused on the cigarette in his hand. She thought she read a little bit of that surprise she’d seen in Sam, but mostly she got a sense of understanding. She was suddenly unimaginably grateful to the quiet loner for his ability to read another person’s discomfort and come to their rescue. He didn’t have to do it.

She gave him a small nod while Sam detailed the new fighting mechanics in SC:VI, and saw something in Sebastian’s body language relax too.

Sebastian had never been the friendliest person in town, but with a surreal sense of clarity, Astrid was realizing there was more to him than first impressions. The same was likely true for the rest of the villagers she hadn’t made as much of an effort to get to know after meeting Elliot. Her life had gotten so insular lately, maybe what she was really missing was more of a connection with the tight-knit Stardew Valley community.

Maybe that was what she needed _now._


	2. Out of Sync

Marnie’s front door was open and Astrid was pretty sure it was still, but there was no sign of the jolly woman when Astrid walked in. She waited for maybe 10 minutes, tried ringing the little bell on the counter, but nothing. She might just be getting some lunch, or somewhere at the back of the house, but Astrid hardly knew her well enough to just go searching without an invitation. After another 20 minutes, she was getting frustrated. What was the point in having specific work hours posted on the door if you weren’t actually going to be there anyway?

Astrid wasn’t in any rush about the chickens; she couldn’t actually purchase any until Robin was done building the coop for her, so there was no reason for Astrid to get worked up about it. But she didn’t know what else to do with herself for the rest of the day. She didn’t want to go home, and just the simple truth of that was more frustrating than the lack of Marnie’s presence.

Reasonably sure that she was in fact, alone in the house, Astrid crossed the threshold into the kitchen and shouted down the hall, “Hello? Does anybody actually work here? Why is it so hard for a girl to buy some damn chickens!?”

For the second time that day, Astrid felt her face turn bright red when a voice to her left said, “Marnie’s not here.”

A man in a blue hoodie scowled at her as he entered the kitchen from a door at the back, and opened the fridge beside it to fish out a can of something.

“Oh, right. Uh, sorry about the yelling. I didn’t actually think anyone was here.” Her excuses trailed off as it became clear that Shane was more invested in draining off the can he’d opened than with why a random woman had walked into his kitchen and started yelling.

“Do you know when Marnie will be back? I just wanted–”

“To buy some chickens. Yeah, I got that. Well, first of all, you’re gonna want to not holler around them. Stressed out hens won’t lay.” Shane tossed the emptied can into the trash and pulled out another. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Astrid cleared her throat, “I just think that’s the most I’ve ever heard you say that wasn’t, ‘Why are you still talking to me?’.”

Shane grunted and said, “I like chickens. And you can’t just take a few chickens home and hope for the best without knowing how to care for them.”

“Which you know how to do?” He gave her a dark look, and turned to head into the back of Marnie’s ranch again. “Wait! I didn’t mean it like that. I meant, you’re right, I don’t know anything about chickens yet. Could you maybe teach me?” If her past experience with Marnie turning up at her front door at the ass crack of dawn with an animal and no information was anything to go by, this might be her best chance to get some decent education about the animals she would have in her care. Like what did chickens even eat? Grass? That didn’t sound right.

There was a long silence, and Astrid got the feeling Shane was making some effort not to just tell one of his aunt’s customers to fuck off. She began to wonder if he was going to answer at all when he finally muttered, “Come on then. I guess I can tell you a few things,” And he was gone again before she could shake off her surprise and thank him.

The following couple of hours was very illuminating. Not only in that Astrid was given a crash course on raising a hen from the egg, what to keep an eye out for in case of mites or all manner of diseases, and what constituted a well-balanced chicken diet, but also illuminating regarding her reluctant tutor. Shane was gruff, looked like he’d just rolled out of bed no matter how long she wandered around the barn with him, and was a genuinely caring human being when he wasn’t feeling judged (at least in regards to the chickens). The fact that Astrid had her whole attention focused on every word he said seemed to surprise and unnerve the man, and she supposed that said a lot about why he might’ve been so quick to put her off when she first tried to introduce herself to him.

By the time late afternoon was rolling around, Astrid felt confident she had some basic knowledge to help her get started, and four half-grown chicks picked out, to be delivered when their new home was ready. Shane had even made a barely audible offer to come check on how the chicks were adjusting once they were settled in.

(She hadn’t been willing to risk Shane’s disapproval by mentioning it in front of him, but she had already decided to call two of them Nugget and Drumstick).

Astrid left the ranch feeling like she’d managed some kind of very abrasive victory.

***

Inspired by her conversation with Sam and Sebastian, and her new resolution to properly get to know the people of Stardew Valley, Astrid decided a good way to spend her Friday evening would be to visit the Stardrop for the first time in a long time. When the evening crowd turned up to the saloon she could get a drink and make the rounds. And in the meantime, maybe she could spend an hour or two reacquainting herself with something else she’d been missing lately.

She stopped in at the farmhouse to change into some jeans that didn’t have dirt all over them, and spotted Elliot, back in his study. Maybe this could be an opportunity for them as well.

“Hey, I was thinking of heading over to the saloon for a change of pace. Do you want to come?”

He glanced at her with a slight frown, “It’s a little early for a drink, isn’t it?”

It was, but given the saloon was one of the town’s few evening gathering places that was hardly a reason to avoid the place.

“Actually, I was just remembering the arcade games in the lounge. I thought it might be fun to play a while before the crowd shows up.”

Elliot’s eyes were already straying back to the scattered papers on his desk, attention starting to wander as he said, “I’ve never really understood video games, I’m afraid. Why play a noisy, pixelated, beat-em up when a book can offer you so much more?” He’d started scribbling again before he was even finished speaking.

“Okay,” Astrid sighed, “I guess I’ll see you later tonight.”

 The bar was still pretty empty when Astrid arrived. One or two early birds and Gus behind the counter cleaning mugs, right where he was the day she first walked in to the comfortable saloon to introduce herself. Most of the regular weekend patrons wouldn’t show up for another hour or so.

Emily beamed brightly at her when Astrid wandered up to the side of the bar, “Can I get you something to drink?”

“Actually, I was hoping I could get some coins for the games,” Astrid replied, digging out her wallet.

“Oh sure! Only one of the machines is working, but ‘Journey of the Prairie King’ is great so nobody really minds anyway.”

Astrid grinned back at her, “Sounds perfect.”

As soon as she plugged in the first coin, she was gone. All the tension that had been sitting in the back of her mind just disappeared as her little avatar embarked on its journey to prairie king-dom. She hadn’t even realized how much the situation with Elliot had been weighing on her until she found herself giddy with the relief from it. It didn’t help that her days had been so crammed full with trying to get her little farm up and running that she’d barely had a moment to think about all her old hobbies, never mind do anything recreational. She’d missed spending a few hours on mindless fun.

It hadn’t just been coming to the Valley and starting up the farm that had caused her to miss out on one of her favourite things, either; rent in the city had been so high she’d finally broken down and sold her console just to help cover it.

Just one of the _many_ reasons she wished she’d said to hell with it all way sooner.

Astrid hadn’t realized how much mindless fun she’d been having until she felt the presence of a warm body leaning close on her left side. For one brief, pleasantly surprised moment, she thought maybe Elliot had decided to come join her after all. But the long strand of hair that swung into her peripheral vision was a vibrant amethyst.

“Wow, farmer, you’re really in the zone, huh? I’ve got next round!”

Even as Abigail said the words, Astrid’s would-be prairie king made a fatal mistake, and the GAME OVER – CONTINUE? screen flashed over the scene of his untimely demise.

“I can’t help but feel like you just jinxed me,” Astrid laughed, only slightly strained to her ears by the sense of disappointment that had knocked her game at the wrong moment.

“Oh, do you think so?” Abigail looked delighted, “It is my life’s ambition to be a witch.” The purple haired girl took Astrid’s place, lining the game screen with her handful of coins.

“Alright, alright. The only way you can possibly recover from such a shameful death now is to come over here and let me beat you at pool!” Astrid turned to find Sam leaning over the pool table, squirming side to side as he attempted to line up a shot.

“Oh, have you actually learned how to play since the last time I saw Sebastian trounce you?” It was one of the few times she could actually remember seeing Sebastian looking unironically happy.

Sam dropped the pool cue, hands flying to his gut as if he’d just been shot, “Ouch, farmer, friendly fire!”

Astrid glanced around before asking, “Where is Sebastian anyway?” She’d been hoping to get to know some people closer to her age tonight, but maybe one in particular. What could she say, she was a little intrigued by Stardew Valley’s _other_ slightly mysterious resident. Ever since she’d left them on the river bank this morning, Astrid had a growing sense that he might be someone worth taking the effort to get to know.

“Doesn’t he usually come out to the saloon with you too?”

She could practically hear Abigail’s eyes roll as she said, “His broodiness didn’t want to come out tonight. Said he had to catch up on some work.”

Sam snorted, “Yeah right, more like he had to catch up on some _porn_.”

“Ew, Sam, don’t be gross,” Abigail groaned, “I don’t want to think about that!”

“What do we need him around for anyway, right ladies? Come on Astrid, grab a cue. I’m never going to beat that sad bastard if I don’t get in some practice.”

For the rest of the evening, Astrid continued her conscious effort to just get lost in a few hours of mindless fun. She played a few rounds of pool with Sam (who even managed to win one), had a passionate – if alcohol-fueled – debate with Abigail about which gaming platform was superior, and even got a few minutes of normal conversation out of Shane when she bought him a drink to say thanks for the lesson. Her life hadn’t felt so uncomplicated in… she couldn’t remember how long, really.

Even if she did find herself searching for a certain black-haired no-show throughout the night.

***

Astrid awoke to the smell of strong coffee filling the small farmhouse.

She’d arrived home late last night to find Elliot fast asleep, and combined with the couple of drinks she’d had before leaving, she hadn’t had such a hard time dragging herself out of bed since the early days when she went to bed exhausted, and woke up still exhausted and also hurting.

That warm, bittersweet scent was the only thing that could pull her out of her warm, soft bed.

Elliot was in the kitchen, filling two large mugs as she shuffled out of the bedroom and made a beeline for the caffeine.

“Ah, my star. I found myself in need of some of this intoxicating brew this morning. Here, I made you some as well.”

Astrid didn’t usually have a hard time waking up in the mornings, but she wouldn’t go so far as to say she was a morning person either. Very little speaking happened until she’d been awake for 30 minutes or so, and of course, coffee was usually a necessary part of that equation. This morning, even more so. She was so grateful she traded Elliot a kiss for it.

When she pulled away, a flush had spread across the bridge of Elliot’s nose and over his cheeks as he looked anywhere but at his wife. Somehow, getting to seeing her naked on a relatively frequent basis had yet to cure him of his bashfulness.

“Ahem, yes. Good morning.” He stuttered, never one to let Astrid’s lack of early morning verbosity get in the way of having a conversation. “Are you excited for the festival tonight? I must admit the dance of the moonlight jellies is one of my favourite times of year. Their yearly journey back to this same location to dance beneath the stars is nature’s poetry embodied.”

“Oh hell,” Astrid groaned, dropping her face into one hand. She’d forgotten about the festival tonight. That wasn’t what had her so dismayed though. She’d been intending to get all the last of her summer crops picked today, and then she needed to clear the fields, make plans for what crops she’d need to buy seed for tomorrow from Pierre. And fertilizer! Oh, how she wished Pierre could get his seasonal stock in a day ahead of time.

Maybe that third drink last night wasn’t such a good idea.

“Astrid? Did I say something wrong, my dear?”

“No, no. It wasn’t you. You just reminded me how much I have to get done today.” She quickly drained her mug and hurried to get her boots on.

“Ah. I wish I could be of more use to you on the farm, but I was never very good at keeping my own plants alive.”

“That’s okay, Elliot, I understand. You have your own work to do anyway.”

A relieved smile broke across his face and he wished her a good day as she rushed out the door, trying to think of how much money she’d put aside for seeds this month. She _did_ understand. Just because Elliot didn’t collect a regular paycheck didn’t mean he wasn’t working. Unfortunately, his first book had been a very small publishing run, and the royalties were few and far between. Elliot wasn’t very involved with their finances, and if there were some weeks when they had to rely a little more on what she might forage in the woods or catch down at the lake, Astrid was reluctant to bring it up and make him feel guilty for pursuing his dreams.

So chickens.

It would be a little extra work, but she was getting the hang of things now and the eggs would be both income and a little supply of their own.

By the time the last day of summer came to a close, Astrid was pleased to mark off her last task. She’d managed to get all of her crops into the bin for shipping, re-tilled the soil in preparation for the new planting tomorrow, and even cleaned up some of the wood and rock debris that seemed to collect on her farm.

Robin was also hard at work, the framework of the chicken coop starting to come together. Astrid was surprised to find her working on the day of the festival, but Robin just brushed off her concerns and told her to expect it ready to go in another couple of days. She didn’t bring up their conversation from the day before and Astrid was relieved on that count as well.

By the time she arrived back at the farmhouse it was already dark and getting close to the time to head down to the beach. Mostly occupied with whether or not she had time for a very quick shower before the festival, Astrid came to a complete halt just inside the door, everything she’d just been thinking about flying out of her head.

The table had been set with a delicious looking dinner, wine glasses positioned just so, and a vase of the last of the summer flowers set in the center. Elliot jolted up from his seat as soon as he saw her.

“Elliot, what is all this?” She felt a familiar flutter in her chest, something that she’d been beginning to worry was lost, and found herself trying not to grin too widely as Elliot flushed.

“Ah, well, you see I thought I might try to alleviate some of your stress from this morning. And as I’m not much use with the farm work, I prepared my specialty baked fish as a precursor to our evening at the festival together.” He glanced down at the plates and his face fell, “Unfortunately, I failed to account for how late you would be working. I’m afraid it’s all gone cold now.”

Astrid’s heart twisted, as she scrambled to find something to dispel his disappointment, “Oh, everything looks so beautiful. I’m sorry I wasn’t back sooner; I barely had time to eat a couple of field snacks today.” She glanced at the time, but it was no good; they’d have to get going soon to make the walk to the beach on time.

“Why don’t we wrap the plates for now, and enjoy them tomorrow evening when we don’t have anywhere else to be?”

He seemed to be mollified by her offer, but he cast a vague longing look at his display as if more disappointed the grand gesture hadn’t come off as he’d imagined than because they couldn’t enjoy a romantic dinner together.

“Or, I mean, it wouldn’t kill us to be a little late to the beach?”

“No, no, you’re quite right. We wouldn’t want to be late, and I was hoping to get another bottle of ink from my cabin before everything begins. The delay will no doubt make our time together even more enjoyable.” Elliot pressed a chaste kiss to her lips, and began to gather up the carefully laid plates while Astrid ran off to quickly change.

It was about a half hour walk down to the beach from the farm, but for some reason the time seemed to stretch and drag with silence as they made their way. There didn’t always need to be something to say, but she couldn’t help feeling that at this point in their relationship the silence should be more comfortable.

Astrid realized she was trying to overcompensate, trying not to leave room in the quiet for Elliot to doubt, or for the guilty feeling pitted behind her ribs to grow. But despite her best efforts she kept letting inane comments on the last of the season’s fireflies, or the changes in the weather come bubbling out, as if trying to grasp for an effortless connection that she was convinced should be there.

All the while she tried to ignore thinking about why it was so frightening to walk beside Elliot in silence and be alone with her own thoughts.


	3. Caught in the Rain

 

The next few days were a hectic blur and Astrid barely had time to leave the farm, never mind rebuild her social life. Then one morning she woke to the warm purring weight of a cat curled up on her chest, and the musical sound of rain fall pattering on the farmhouse roof.

Astrid stretched beneath the covers, grinning as she took the opportunity to just lay there for a few minutes. She slid a hand across the sheets searching for Elliot but, yet again, he seemed to have awoken before her. She rolled over and lifted her head just enough to glimpse the him already hard at work at his desk. She heaved a slightly disappointed sigh, but then reminded herself she had some things to do today that Elliot didn’t need to know about. If all went according to plan… Well, Astrid _hoped_ it all went according to plan; she’d put this off a lot longer than she should have.

Astrid threw one more glance over at Elliot as she pulled a sweater over her head, then gathered up her boots and made her way quietly out into the kitchen.

Despite the heavy rain, George followed her out of the house and disappeared into some tall grass as she made her way down to the little field that housed the new chicken coop. She gave the new wood fencing she’d installed a once over, making sure the wind hadn’t knocked over any sections, then set her sight firmly on the orange tom cat who seemed to think he hadn’t been noticed while he scouted the perimeter.

“We’ve already discussed this George. You _will_ leave these chicks alone or you _will_ become an indoor cat.” As he _was_ a cat, George didn’t give her the satisfaction of a response, but when Astrid closed the gate behind her the tom cat stayed on the other side of the fence, and had vanished in search of someplace drier by the time she was pushing open the door to the coop.

Shane had recommended starting out with only one or two until she got comfortable with raising hens, but the only way Astrid was going to offset the cost of the new coup, the chicks, and the extra time she’d be working everyday was to start a little bigger. Once they started producing eggs, she’d be able to start making her money back. Pierre’s was great for most things but one thing she’d learned as soon as she’d started growing crops was that the villagers didn’t have much in the way of options when it came to things like fresh produce or, say, eggs. When Astrid started selling her crops, many of them had jumped at the chance to avoid going to Jojamart. People had even started making requests.

Sleepy little peeps greeted her as soon as she started scooping feed into the trough at the back, and then four half-grown chicks were running in and out between her feet, just as bad as the cat. There were two brown and two white: Drumstick, Nugget, Fluffer, and Nutter.

Stepping carefully out of their way, Astrid stood to the side and watched the chicks climbing all over each other as they pecked at their breakfast. She hadn’t been sure about the decision to start keeping livestock, more driven by necessity than desire, but watching them thrive gave her a sense of utter satisfaction, much like she felt the first time she’d harvested those first parsnips and realized she could succeed in her new life.

On that thought a frown twisted across her expression. There were some areas of her life that were currently less successful. But sitting there watching tiny, happy chickens all day wasn’t going to help, so Astrid shut up the coop against the rain and headed off into Cindersap Forest.

For the last week Astrid had been making daily trips into the forest, telling Elliot she was foraging (which she _was_ ), but not mentioning her other mission. Just like every other day, she followed the cleared path through the northernmost part of the forest, squinting into the rain as she searched for the telltale flash of purple hidden among the foliage. The mysterious little caravan wasn’t always there, but she could usually count on finding it a couple days of the week, and today was her last chance.

As she rounded the large tree where she often saw Shane’s goddaughter playing, she gave a shout of triumph when she saw it just a bit further down the path. She jogged down the last of the distance until she was covered by the small overhang. The green-haired merchant leaned out of the cart immediately, but before they could get a word of their sales pitch out, Astrid interrupted, almost yelling, “Do you have a duck feather?!”

The merchant frowned, having put up with the same request the last two times Astrid had come across the traveling cart.

“No, no duck feathers today, either. But perhaps I could interest you in something more exotic than–”

“Shit! Er, sorry, I mean no thanks. It was meant to be a gift.” And except that her search had been proving impossible, Astrid wouldn’t be willing to pay the inflated price of any of the merchant’s other “exotic” items. She waved goodbye and headed back down the path before they could get started again. If she couldn’t find Elliot one of the beautifully vibrant feathers she knew he liked, she’d have to cross her fingers for plan B.

Astrid’s trip into town was slowed considerably by the fact that she’d left her horse at the farm, but the foraging wasn’t just an excuse to go out looking for the traveling merchant, and she missed a lot when she was riding compared to walking. Besides, given how drenched through she was getting, she would’ve felt guilty as hell leaving the poor horse standing in the rain while she dug around for mushrooms or picked hazelnuts.

She took the shortcut past the cemetery down to the beach, anxious to check the crab pots and see what the weather had washed up onto the beach. If she couldn’t find Elliot a feather, maybe should could surprise him with a lobster dinner.

Astrid managed to collect some mussels and clams from the beach, thinking they’d make a nice addition to the lobster she was hoping to find in one of her traps, but as she walked down the boardwalk towards the crab pots she’d left to bob near Willy’s, a lone figure standing at the end of the pier caught her eye.

Forgetting about the crab pots, Astrid backtracked and walked slowly down the long pier instead. Sebastian didn’t turn at the sound of her boots on the wooden planks – and there was no doubt it was Sebastian, no one else in town wore that much black – but he didn’t turn around and tell her to piss off either. The whole walk towards him, she had the feeling she was intruding, but honestly, Sebastian always gave off that feeling, and it was a little worrying to find someone standing out in the rain staring off across the sea. Well, either worrying, or on the same level of dramatic as a Byron poem.

He didn’t say anything as she came to a stop just beside him, but his eyes flicked over at her like he was waiting to see how she’d behave.

“Forgot your umbrella?”

That _almost_ got a snort of laughter out of him. Astrid definitely saw his shoulders shake in what could be interpreted as a laughter.

“You’re one to talk,” he said after a moment, sliding his eyes back over to her.

_Touché_. “Hey, I didn’t see you at the saloon last Friday. I was hanging out with Sam and Abigail and they said you were busy working?”

This time there was definitely a snort, but it didn’t sound like he was amused. “Yeah, I’m sure that’s what they said. Those two think I sit around watching cat videos all day, or something. How is that any of your business, anyway?”

Astrid raised her hands defensively, a little thrown by the sudden mood drop. Apparently she’d managed to hit a sore spot with her casual question, and she felt like even more of a dick given how he’d helped her out the other day with Sam.

“Absolutely none of my business. Sorry. I just had wanted to thank you, but then I didn’t get a chance to talk to you all week and now–” Oh great, and now she was babbling like a teenager.

For the first time since she’d approached him, Sebastian turned to actually face her, one eyebrow cocked and looking very confused. “What?”

Astrid cut off the stream of consciousness that had been pouring out of her, feeling her cheeks warm. If he didn’t even know what she was talking about… Had she just been reading into what happened? Oh god, maybe Sebastian _had_ just been bored of talking about her and the fact that he’d saved her from Sam’s very uncomfortable questioning had been a complete fluke. But she couldn’t just stop now and say never mind. There was no way to end this interaction without looking like an idiot, so Astrid took a slow breath and accepted the embarrassment that she was about to experience.

“I – well the other day when I was talking with you and Sam, I’d wanted to… thank you. For, for changing the subject I guess.” She waited, bracing for him to either laugh, or continue being confused.

Instead, to her shock, Sebastian dropped his eyes and a flush of red spread across his cheeks. “Oh. Uh, you’re welcome.”

In the ensuing silence, Sebastian kept his eyes turned out toward the sea again, and Astrid scrambled to get a hold of the feelings ricocheting through her as she realized a) she hadn’t been crazy, b) being right was somehow just as embarrassing as it would’ve been if he’d laughed, and c) she really was as bad as a fucking teenager because when Sebastian glanced back at her again, Astrid felt her heart flop over.

Sebastian cleared his throat, snapping Astrid out of her crazy tangent of thought, and she became aware of just how long she’d been standing there in the rain, staring at him and not saying anything.

“The sea is best enjoyed alone, don’t you think?”

Astrid cringed, clearly Sam wasn’t the only person who was bad at reading a situation, “Right, I’ve got to get going. Maybe I’ll see you around.”

She was halfway back down the pier when she heard him call out, “Coming to the saloon tonight?”

A ‘yes’ was right on the tip of her tongue when she checked herself, “Uh, can’t tonight. I’ll see you next week?”

He raised a hand in the affirmative and Astrid left him to brood it up on the docks, deciding it was about time to call it a day and get out of her wet clothes. She didn’t realize she’d forgotten all about her crab pots until she was already back home.

 

Elliot was right where she’d left him that morning, barely lifting his head long enough to say hello as she kicked off her boots. She watched him for a moment, crossing her arms. She’d spent all day trying to find the perfect gift for Elliot and she was suddenly completely sure he didn’t even know what day it was. Well, that was really beside the point. _She_ knew, so she was going to do something about it, despite the complete and utter failure of her mission today.

As she walked through the bedroom Astrid stripped off her wet clothes, dropping them in a trail behind her as she went. But instead of turning into the bathroom and running the water for a nice hot soak, she strode naked up to her completely oblivious husband. She was cold and needed something to surprise Elliot with. Birds, meet stone.

She unbraided her hair as she approached him, letting the wavy locks trail over her skin. Between the chill and the sensation of her hair tickling at her skin, her nipples began to bud in anticipation.

Still not noticing her undressed state, Astrid leaned over Elliot, pressing her breasts against him as she ran her fingers through his long, auburn hair. She gently pulled his head back, giving him a teasing kiss as he turned in his seat to face her, suddenly _very_ aware of her.

The embarrassed flush she’d seen cross Sebastian’s cheeks was nothing compared to how pink Elliot went as she pulled back from the kiss and whispered, “Happy Birthday, Elliot.”

His eyes dropped, trailing slowly down her body. He kept trying to look her in the face, but without fail his gaze found its way back down to her breasts, hips, thighs, leaving an almost tangible feeling of heat on her body wherever his eyes fell.

His mouth opened and shut a couple of times before he cleared his throat and finally managed to speak in his mostly normal tone, “Oh, you remembered my birthday? Thank you.”

Astrid rolled her eyes, maybe one of them had forgotten, but it hadn’t been her.

She took his hands in hers and placed one on her hip, drawing the other across her skin, sending shivers down her spine as its warmth ran over her ribs and came to a stop over her breast. When she released him, a bittersweet expression stole across Elliot’s face as he slowly pulled his hands back, fingertips stroking softly over her tightening nipple before letting go entirely.

“Astrid–”

“Elliot,” she said, voice already sounding breathy, even to her, “You’d better be planning to replace that hand with your mouth. Otherwise, I’m really going to need you to keep touching me.”

If possible, her husband’s face went an even darker shade at her words, “My dear, you know I would never expect you to– that is, just because it’s my birthday doesn’t mean I was–”

Blushing a little herself at the sweetness and sincerity in his words, Astrid placed her hands to either side of his face and kissed him more deeply, running her tongue along his lips until he parted them. When she felt his palms lay tentatively against her hips again, she climbed onto the chair, straddling his lap. “Of course I know,” she whispered, “One of the many reasons I fell in love with you. Believe me when I say that I want nothing more than this right now.”

When he pulled her in for another kiss, Astrid was already more than half turned on. Goosebumps spread across her skin as his hands explored her body. She lowered herself completely onto his lap, rocking her hips against him, craving beautiful friction, and something more. In fact, the idea of riding Elliot, still half-dressed, in the chair he spent much of his days in appealed more and more to the territorial creature that lived inside her. Astrid stroked the roof of his mouth with her tongue. The image of Elliot laying her out and fucking her across his desk followed that thought and a shudder ran down her spine. She moaned into his mouth.

Yes. That.

It was at this moment that through the haze of lust filling her head, Astrid became aware of the lack of body heat as Elliot leaned back from her. Followed by the realization of another part of him that wasn’t pressed against her.

Astrid’s whole body froze, seizing up like a handful of ice had just been poured down the back of her shirt. Except that she wasn’t wearing a shirt. She was sitting in Elliot’s lap, and wasn’t wearing anything at all. And he was having almost zero reaction to that.

Was that even possible? Well, of course it was possible, but there were only a couple of reasons that she knew of and even though she’d been teasing him last night about turning 30 and being an old man, _he_ _wasn’t actually an old man._ And the only other reason she could think of was that he was just completely turned off at the moment.

It was really hard not to take that personally.

Elliot coughed self consciously and didn’t meet her eyes when he said, “Er, that’s very kind, but perhaps not just now, dear.”

And then everything became very surreal as Astrid stretched a smile over her face and extracted herself from Elliot’s lap and heard herself say, “Yeah, no problem. I think I’ll just go have a bath, then.”

Astrid managed to hide herself in the bathroom before an overwhelming sense of shame washed over her. She ran a bath, hotter than she usually liked it, and climbed in as the water was still filling the tub. She drew her legs up to her chest, dropping her forehead onto her knees, and took deep gasping breaths as she tried to get herself under control. She tried to be logical; it felt personal, but it probably wasn’t. Elliot had never been very overly physically expressive in how he felt for her. When he was, Elliot preferred to have the entire event planned out right down to petals on the bed, so she shouldn’t have just expected he’d be into spontaneous birthday sex.

It didn’t matter what the logical voice in her head told her though, Astrid had never dealt with rejection well, especially not from people she cared about. Silent sobs wracked her body as she tried to breathe through them. Whatever the reason, this was rejection. And as the feeling settled into her chest, dull and throbbing, she recognized a similar feeling she’d been carrying with her ever since talking with Robin and realizing Elliot kept her at a distance, like she wasn’t real. Even his physical attraction to her wasn't real when he didn't initiate the intimacy.

She turned off the tap and lowered herself beneath the scalding water, praying they’d deal with this entire evening the same way she and Elliot seemed to deal with any awkward moments in their relationship, and just pretend none of it had ever happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I realize I keep ending these chapters on really depressing introspection. I promise the next chapter will not be quite so angsty ;)


	4. Surprises

“What? ...The hell?” Astrid turned the red-speckled, coal black egg around in her hand as if looking at it from a different angle might turn it back to normal. No, no. No weird demon eggs in this coop, that was just a smudge of dirt.

When staring at it and asking the universe for clarification didn’t work, Astrid strode out into the fenced in yard to stare at her four happily eating hens going to town on the fresh grass seed instead. She had barely been prepared for how quickly her little group of chickens had grown up – that didn’t sound right. Were they a flock? Troupe?... Gang? Well, obviously they were up to some shady shit if the egg Astrid was holding was any indication so sure, gang it was – and now there was this?

“Who did this?!” She yelled. Every time she’d found herself covered in chicken poop despite her best efforts, Astrid had had to remind herself not to yell around the hens ( _Stressed out hens won’t lay_ ), but she was giving herself a pass on this one. Extenuating circumstances.

No explanations were offered up, so Astrid stomped over to the gate, giving all her chickens the side-eye as she went, and kicked her way through tall grass all the way down to Marnie’s ranch.

It was still pretty early, but that didn’t stop her crashing her way through the entryway with a brief hello to the woman herself, and making her way into the kitchen where a conspicuous blue sweater seemed to be making breakfast.

Shane had told her everything he knew about raising chickens right down to what colour the poop that was already covering her boots should be, but he hadn’t thought to mention that sometimes the eggs came out as black as the void Cthulhu himself spat them out of?

Astrid communicated all of these thoughts and more by locking eyes with his bleary, red-rimmed ones, thrusting said void egg out in front of his face until he went cross-eyed, and giving it a little distressed shake for good measure.

Shane’s head backed up about a foot from her outstretched hand, shortly followed by the rest of his body, “What the hell is that?”

Her shoulders fell, “Seriously? That was _my_ question. One of the hens _you_ sold me did this. None of them would admit it, but Drumstick is the shiftiest so she’s my guess.”

It took a second for Shane to catch up to what she was saying, and then he gave her a look like she might actually be the shifty one in this situation. “I don’t see how this is my problem; Marnie sold you the chickens and that is your egg; I had nothing to do with it.” Despite his words, he took the egg from her and turned it back and forth in his hands, examining it, “I’ve never seen anything like this.”

He laid it in Astrid’s hand again as she sighed, “What do I do with it?”

He shrugged, pulling leftover pizza out of the microwave, “Probably not mayonnaise.”

After a few bites he said, “Incubate it, see what happens.”

It was tempting. There were some unexpectedly odd things in this little town, like the wizard out in the woods, who knew what she’d get if the egg hatched. But there was one not so minor problem with that.

“I don’t have an incubator. And there’s no way I can afford an upgrade to my coop before it’s too late for whatever this is. I suppose I’ll have to wait and see if the hens lay another weird, void egg thing.”

Shane stared at her as she spoke, obviously waiting for her to finish with this strange interaction and leave him alone. So she was caught off guard when he said, “Fuck that. I want to know what kind of chicken that is. You can use one of our incubators for now.” He took the egg back and walked off towards the back door.

“Are you sure? You guys have to be busy getting ready for the Fair.”

“It’s fine. If it’s anything new and interesting, you can pay me back with one of this one’s chicks.”

She followed him out into their much, much larger coop and watched as he set up the egg in the incubator, silently wishing for something that _was_ new and interesting. As opposed to, you know, evil and demon-y.

“It’s not going to hatch today,” Shane said, shaking Astrid out of her thoughts.

“Oh. Oh, right, I should go,” she laughed awkwardly as she starting walking backwards toward the exit, “That’s a thing I should do now. And, uh, thanks, Shane. I owe you one!”

She got a grunt in reply and figured that was as good as things were going to get. And hey, he hadn’t glared at her today, so that was progress.

 

Now that she wasn’t in such a panicked rush, Astrid made sure to check out the bushes around the ranch and the edges of her farm, and was pleased to see several carrying ripe blackberries. And it didn’t look like the crows had started getting into them yet either. She picked up her pace, rushing back to the farmhouse to grab her bag, and maybe a scarf or something for the wind.

Her first few months in Stardew Valley had been a bit rough. She’d dumped all of the money dad had given her into seeds and better-than-shitty quality tools, but that meant until her crops had paid off she’d been more reliant on foraging than she’d ever really admitted to anyone. It had been a blessing that first fall to discover the blackberry bushed on her property, and that the woods just to the south of her farm were filled with them, too.

Even more of a blessing to remember the summers she’d come to stay when her grandmother was still alive, and she’d taught Astrid how to make jam. It had been a bit of a hassle to make in the small, kitchenless cabin, going by memory and trail and error, but Pierre had been happy to buy the small jars of preserves from her (even if Astrid had suspected him of paying her more than simple blackberry jam had been worth out of pity). Now it was a different matter, a row of well-crafted preserves jars lined the back of the farmhouse and twice a year Astrid went on a binge of jam making when the wild berries of the valley came into season.

Astrid checked the clock on the kitchen wall, then glanced down the hall to Elliot’s study. It was only about half past nine and he was already gone. Things had been a bit… stilted between them since his birthday a little over a week ago. Elliot never acted as if anything had happened, but he’d taken to spending most of his days down at the public library lately. She pulled out the red wood trunk containing her spare tools and dug around for a bucket large enough to go berry picking with.

If she was being honest with herself, something she hadn’t been doing a great job of, Astrid wasn’t upset to find no one home. Relief, followed quickly by shame, washed over her whenever she called out and got no response from the empty house.

No. She refused to feel ashamed when it was Elliot who was choosing not to be here. It was a good thing for Elliot to start getting out again. When they’d first met he was always out, taking walks or at the library. He even spent some evenings at the pub with his own friends. Astrid wasn’t the only one who needed to get out once in a while; Elliot had receded from the world even more than she had. She didn’t even know the last time he’d spoken with Leah, or Willy. And Leah wasn’t exactly far away.

Astrid winced. For a long time, she’d assumed that Leah and Elliot were together, but as she got to know Elliot it was clear he thought of the other woman as only a friend, another artist. Given how little of Leah they’d seen since getting married, though, Astrid didn’t think she’d been wrong on both counts when she’d thought there was something more between the two.

Sometimes Astrid thought things might have been better if– She slammed shut the lid of trunk, cutting off the thought. There was no point in wallowing in stupid might-have-beens.

She decided to head straight down to Cindersap Forest first since she’d find the most berries there and didn’t fancy wandering around in the strange woods in the dark now that the sun was setting earlier.

She circled around the lake, so focused on searching the waist-high bushes for the dark, sweet berries that she even wandered into the wizard’s yard. She’d spoken to him a few times, but he didn’t seem to have much time for the villagers unless he was making requests for odd magical reagents. Either way, ‘don’t annoy the wizard’ seemed like a good rule of thumb to live by, so she made sure not to traipse on his flowers, and continued down the path until she had looped back up around the lake near the road into town.

There were a few blackberry bushes scattered through the main part of town as well, along the river and then up near the community center. As she walked through town, Astrid waved or nodded back to the other villagers she passed but didn’t stop to chat. She’d gotten a little stronger, and she had a bit more energy these days, but she knew from last year that berry picking days could end with her stumbling along the mountain path in the dark if she took too many detours. The Mayor almost caught her up with reminders about the upcoming fair, but Astrid was getting more adept at extricating herself from the long, rambling conversations he seemed to enjoy. She made her excuses quickly headed up into the park, and if she chose not to detour over by the library where she remembered a few bushes had been growing last year, well, she had gotten a late start after discovering that void egg.

Astrid was feeling pretty good about her progress as she made her way up the mountain path. Her bucket was nearly full and it was still early afternoon. Plenty of daylight left to walk around the mountain lake and then do a round of the bushes growing on her farm.

Cresting the steep path leading up to Robin’s home, Astrid came to a halt and cocked her head at a sight she’d never seen before. The garage door had been thrown open and a slim figure all in black was sprawled out on a tarp beneath a vintage-looking motorcycle.

“Wow,” she called, setting down the bucket that was growing heaver with every minute. Shaking out her hand, she walked up by Sebastian’s sprawled legs and gave the bike he was working on a once over.

“Yeah, she used to be my dad’s but she still looks good, huh?”

“No, I just didn’t think you could actually go outside in daylight. Won’t you turn to dust or something?”

Sebastian laughed and reached out from beneath the motorcycle to flip her off before sliding out so he could smirk at her, “I like to live dangerously.”

Astrid grinned, feeling quite pleased with herself for getting an unguarded reaction from him. After talking to him at the beach, Sebastian had seemed to relax around her a bit. The other night Astrid had decided to follow up on her promise to see him and the others at the next weekly saloon night and she’d gotten to see him more relaxed in general. As she took in the brightness in his dark eyes, and the flush brought to his face by the cool, fresh air, she knew this was different. This was Sebastian in his element, comfortable and not putting up his defenses.

Not wearing his signature black hoodie, either. Deciding it was only fair after admiring his bike, Astrid gave Sebastian a once over too. Contrary to his basement dwelling, computer programming lifestyle, Sebastian ran more towards lean than skinny. The bare arms he rested on top of his knees were well-defined, just enough muscle to see the strength but not so much to look like he’d been stuffed into his t-shirt. Her eyes lingered a while on his hands as he wiped off the oil and grease onto a rag laying next to him. It might have been more of a surprise, except the man did like his jeans hipster-tight. She’d caught herself noticing those lean legs a little too often on saloon night.

“What are you staring at?” Sebastian had paused in cleaning off his hands.

“Uh, you missed a spot, just there,” she pointed in the general vicinity of his face, hoping he would believe her. There _was_ a smear on one cheek, but if anything, it just added to his whole look.

“So, that’s your bike?”

He gave the blue and silver chrome bike an affectionate pat, “Yeah. Sometimes after dark I like to take her out and just drive out towards the glow of the city lights. There’s nothing like it. Someday when I’ve saved up enough, I want to head out on my own, to the city and beyond.”

Astrid nodded, she could picture it: flying down a dark, empty road, leaving responsibility and expectations behind for a while. That sounded pretty good.

“Hey, maybe I’ll take you for a ride sometime.” Sebastian’s voice was light when he said it, like the offer didn’t mean anything, but he held himself a bit stiffly, waiting to pull up those walls again.

She smiled at him again, softer and warmer than before, “Yeah, I’d really like that. Thanks.”

He nodded sharply, eyes scanning the woods around them in search of something a little more superficial to talk about, when his eyes landed on the bucket she’d left behind her, “Uh, you want to talk about me avoiding sunlight, how about why are _you_ carrying around a bucket of blood?”

“What?” She spun around, seeing the dark smears of blackberry juice staining the outside of the bucket, and started laughing, “Okay, I don’t know if it’s more concerning that you thought I might actually be carrying around a bucket of blood, or that your first instinct on seeing a bucket with red stains on it was ‘Oh, must be blood’.”

She walked back over to it and pulled out one of the ripe berries, chucking it at Sebastian’s head, “I’m making blackberry jam, you edgelord.” Seeing the smear of blackberry juice on her palm, she showed it to him, and then licked it off.  Maybe she shouldn’t have told him, seeing his reaction to her licking “blood” off her hand would have been hilarious.

“Ugh,” Sebastian scrunched up his face, “That might actually be worse than the bucket of blood.”

“Are you actually saying you don’t like jam?”

He dropped onto his back again, pulling himself beneath the motorcycle again, “I hate it, the stuff’s disgusting.”

“I don’t even know how to respond to that,” Astrid said. She heard the front door of the house close behind her, and turned to see Robin coming out.

“Hello you two. Sebby, please try not to get oil all over the house when you’re done out here. Oh, that’s a lot of blackberries. Are you making jam, Astrid? I hope you’ll bring me a few jars.”

“Happy to, Robin,” Astrid turned to look pointedly at Sebastian, who was hiding behind his bike, “See? That’s a normal reaction to jam.” With his mother present, Sebastian refrained from flipping her off again, but responded with a grunt that passed along the message.

“Are you heading in to town, Astrid?” Robin asked, eyes glancing between her son and the farmer.

“No, just going to start back home, I think. I was planning to do some more berry picking but it’s already getting dark; I’ll have to come back tomorrow.”

“Probably a smart idea, don’t want to be wandering around near the mines in the dark. I’ll let you go then, say hi to Elliot for me.” Robin waved and walked off, heading down the mountain and leaving Astrid to shake off the feeing that she’d been doing something wrong when she heard her husband’s name. She said a quick goodbye to Sebastian and made her way back to the farm. The daylight may be going, but she had plenty of time to make some _delicious_ (according to all _normal_ people) jam before dinner. Maybe she’d bring a few jars for to the Fair for her grange display.

***

Robin wasn’t behind the counter when Astrid walked into the shop. She glanced down the hall into the lab, but there was no sign of Demetrius or Maru, either.

She headed down the steps towards Sebastian’s room, thinking she’d come to see him anyway. She’d managed to thank him that day at the beach, but Astrid had always felt compelled to give people gifts when she wanted to show her appreciation.

She walked into Sebastian’s room and found him at his computer – which wasn’t strange – but he was leaning back in his chair, black jeans unzipped, and had one long fingered hand wrapped around his dick – which _was_ strange.

“Ahh, fuck. Mmm.” His breath hissed between his teeth as he groaned, slowly stroking himself. He didn’t stop when he suddenly looked up and saw her standing by his desk.

“Astrid, what are you doing here?” He didn’t sound surprised, just watched her as he drew his thumb across the head of his cock.

Coming to the surreal realization that she was standing in Sebastian’s bedroom, watching him jerk off, heat flooded Astrid’s body, pooling between her legs. She lifted her gaze from his hand ( _wasn’t she just admiring those hands?_ ) and Sebastian’s dark eyes locked with hers.

“Do you want me to leave?”

 

Astrid’s eyes flew open, her heartbeat throbbing in her chest and other parts of her body throbbing in time with it.

Why in the hell was she having a sex dream about _Sebastian?!_ Wasn’t she even allowed to check out people now without her subconscious fucking with her? She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had a sex dream.

Disastrous birthday sex aside, she’d been so focused on the things she needed to do, it had been a while since she’d been really worked up like this. Apparently getting out and having some fun for a change had been relaxing enough for some of her _other_ needs to come to the forefront of her mind.

Astrid glance to her left where Elliot’s bright auburn hair spilled over his pillow. He’d already been fast asleep when she’d come in around midnight. She could try to wake him up for some slow, languorous middle-of-the-night fun, but she shied away from that idea after everything that happened last time.

She should probably just roll over and try to get back to sleep, but she didn’t _want_ to just ignore the warm whiskey-burn of sex rushing in her blood. She bit her lip, another wash of heat and wetness making her thighs clench.

Watching Elliot for any sign of waking up, Astrid slowly drew her fingertips down between her breasts, nails dragging gently across her belly, and slipped two fingers into her already damp panties.

She was slick and warm, her clit swollen with the need for release after her dream. And something about sliding a finger inside herself while her husband slept unaware beside her was just so fucking erotic.

She pinched and rolled her nipples with her other hand as she began to softly pant, grinding herself against her palm as she thrust two, then three fingers deep within herself, nudging at just the right spot with each frantic motion.

Her thighs were beginning to tremble. She was getting close, so close. She’d already been close, primed after so long and _that dream_. Astrid closed her eyes, seeing Sebastian’s skilled fingers stroking himself in front of her again, holding her gaze. Dream or no, it was one of the hottest things she’d ever seen.

She imagined those fingers stroking her instead, and like that, she was tipping over the edge. Her free hand clapped over her mouth to muffle the sound of her orgasm as her back arched, muscles clenching around her fingers. She pushed herself, rubbing her thumb against her clit until she came just a little bit harder and finally, drowning in the afterglow, she collapsed.

A jolt of adrenaline hit her a moment later when she remembered she wasn’t alone in the bed. Her panic calmed when she looked over to find Elliot still fast asleep, hair spread out on the pillow behind him.

 


	5. Missteps

“How come Elliot never comes out with you to the saloon?” Sam asked as Abigail and Sebastian led the way up the steps to the Stardrop. Sebastian paused at the door, holding it open. He wasn’t looking at them, but was clearly waiting to hear her answer as well. Astrid had the sense that he wasn’t overly impressed with Elliot.

Astrid never talked much about her personal life with her friends but of course they knew she was married – hell, they’d all been at the wedding – so it wasn’t really a surprise that they were curious about her relationship. The question made Astrid nervous, but it was a perfectly reasonable thing to ask. Robin and Demetrius often came down to the saloon together.

She shrugged, avoiding Sebastian’s eyes as she walked past him into the warm saloon, “He’s just happy at home, working on his writing, I guess.”

Apparently not as invested in the conversation as in beating her own current record, Abigail was already headed for Emily at the counter to get some game tokens, dragging Sebastian along behind her. Apparently, it was his turn to rent the pool table for the night.

“That’s odd. I remember I used to see him here all the time hanging out with Leah.”

Astrid shrugged again. What was she supposed to say to that? Anything she could think of to respond with would sound jealous and petty, so instead she turned her attention to the crowd that had already gathered. She spotted Shane almost immediately in his usual corner by the fireplace.

“I’ll just be a second, Sam.”

Shane was doing his best to down his entire pint glass before she made her way over to him. When he realised she wasn’t going to take the hint, he glared at her, “Why are you bothering me? I want to be alone.”

Astrid was taken aback at the irritated tone. Since discovering the strange void egg in her coop, she’d been making a point to stop in at the ranch whenever she could to check up on the incubation process. In that time, the two of them had gotten to the point where she’d almost call him a friend. Or so she’d thought. He’d even apologized for being so rude with her when she’d first come to town.

She noticed his glare wasn’t aimed directly at her anymore, but aimed over her shoulder to where Sam was waiting, looking a bit skeptical about the whole situation. Shane’s face was a bit red, either from proximity to the fire, the half a pint of ale he’d just chugged, or maybe something else.

Well, _that_ might explain Shane’s extra surliness this evening. Astrid knew the two worked together at the Jojamart and she’d never heard anything about them having problems with each other (and let’s face it, in a small town, _everyone_ would know if they had a problem with each other).

Smothering a grin, Astrid pulled out the container she’d packed up to bring with her tonight. She passed the gift over to Shane, who reacted to it with almost the same amount of suspicion as he had when she shoved the void egg in his face.

“Here, to say ‘thanks for all the help’. I remembered you said you liked Pepper Poppers. I made them myself.”

 “Oh, wow! These are my favourite.”

“Good, because there are at least two more containers full in my fridge at home that I was too embarrassed to drag out to the saloon with me tonight. I went a little overboard with the cooking.” She laughed, “I’ll bring them around tomorrow.”

“The egg looks like it’ll hatch this weekend, so I guess I’ll be around anyway.”

Abigail and Sebastian were heading their way now, so Astrid figured she’d save Shane from the burden of talking to more people and drag her friends off into the game room.

“What was all that about?” Sebastian asked as they joined up.

“He’s surprisingly knowledgeable about chickens. Just wanted to give him something to say thanks.”

“More jam?” Sebastian smirked.

Astrid flipped him off, it only seemed fair. She didn’t even try not to smirk back when he started laughing.

“Huh,” Sam was still watching the subject of their discussion as they walked away, “I think that’s the most I’ve ever heard him say that wasn’t just swearing.”

“Some people just require persistent friendliness before they’re willing to open up a bit.”

Abigail laughed at that, “I guess you’d be the expert. That makes you two for two when it comes to this town’s ‘don’t talk to me’ population.”

This time Astrid was the one laughing while Sebastian scowled over at Abigail as the purple-haired girl floated off to the arcade games without a care in the world.

 

***

 

Elliot had taken himself off to the library first thing the next morning, as he’d made a habit of doing lately, so Astrid was a little surprised to see him walk in the door just after noon. She’d just returned to the farmhouse herself, after a brief stop over at Marnie’s ranch to check on the progress of the hatching.

Shane had been happy to stuff a few more containers of his favourite snack into the fridge, and had told her that the few visible cracks in the black and red shell meant there was still a ways to go before the chick (or whatever it was) was actually born. Astrid had wanted so badly to help pull away some of the loose bits of shell, but he’d stopped her.

“They need to get themselves out. The struggle is what makes them strong in the long run.”

So Astrid had headed home, planning on having a quiet, relaxing afternoon to herself. She’d finally been able to install some of the ridiculously expensive sprinklers on the farm, but given how much time it saved her watering her crops everyday they’d been worth it a hundred times over.

Astrid closed the fridge, where she’d been considering what to make for lunch, and turned to see her husband watching her.

“What’s wrong?” When Elliot went to the library, he’d be lost in there for hours. There had been occasions when he’d barely noticed her standing right beside him until she gave him a poke in the ribs. That didn’t instantly mean there was something wrong, but he was looking at her without really looking at her in that way that said he was already disengaging from whatever it was that was happening.

Elliot grimaced before saying, “I heard you secretly gave Shane a present yesterday…”

Astrid felt her back stiffen, instantly defensive at his surprising statement, but she refused to make something out of giving a friend an innocent gift, “I’d hardly call it ‘ _secretly_ ’, Elliot, we were at the Stardrop.”

Her husband looked out the kitchen window, expressionless as he said, “You’ve been spending a lot of time with him. Should I be worried?”

“Is that a serious question?”

He didn’t respond except to finally, _finally_ look at her, and it was clear he was still waiting for an answer to his question.

“Shane has been helping me out with the new coop, which is more than I can say for some people, so no, Elliot, you don’t need to be ‘worried’. I’m pretty sure I’m not his type, anyway.”

Elliot frowned, crossing his arms at Astrid’s flippant tone, “Astrid, you needn’t get so –”

“No, you don’t get to accuse me of cheating on you and then act like I’m the unreasonable one for being angry about it! Maybe locking yourself up here with only me and the cat for company is good enough for you, Elliot, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still have friends.”

Her husband looked away once more as if she hadn’t just started yelling at him, effectively removing himself from the argument.

“What? Now you don’t have anything to say? Just say _something_!”

When cold silence was all she got back from him, she started to storm away but stopped herself to say, as calmly as she could bring herself to speak, “If you’re so ready to believe I’m having an affair, maybe you need to ask yourself why you think I’d want to”

 

Astrid was halfway up the mountain before she admitted to herself that she didn’t have a plan. Her first instinct had been to head for the mines so she could take out her frustration on some rocks, but she’d been so pissed off she’d left without her sword or even extra rations, which she usually needed by the end of a day in the depths of the mines.

Well, she wasn’t going back to the farmhouse now, and hitting rocks still sounded like the best way to stop her thinking about Elliot for a few hours, so she’d just have to be careful not to go too deep. She’d stick to the upper levels that were already familiar and easy to get out of if she got tired. And her pickaxe would make a good enough weapon in a pinch.

Demetrius was working by the side of the lake, but Astrid wasn’t interested in stopping for a chat so she merely waved and hurried across the makeshift bridge to the mouth of the mines. It was already late afternoon, later than she usually liked, but time didn’t really matter once you were inside.

That fact was even more clear when, a few levels and some indeterminate time later, Astrid found her watch as she dug through her pack in search of some water. It was already nearly midnight, no wonder she was exhausted. All the anger had been burnt out of her ages ago, and as she looked around the dimly lit cave she’d been clearing out, she had to admit she’d been stupid to go as deep as she had. She’d been stupid to go into the mines at all as ill prepared as she had been. It was time to go home.

Astrid packed up the hoard of copper and iron ores she’d collected and was just trying to sort out which tunnel would lead her back to the elevator when she started hearing tell-tale squeaking in the dark.

The odd bat wasn’t much of a problem, but the tunnel she’d just turned away from suddenly seemed to be a moving mass of back shapes. Until coming to Stardew Valley, Astrid had never heard of bats that would purposely swarm a human being, but her hands went cold and adrenaline shot through her system as a mass of angry, winged creatures came spilling out of the shadows.

Astrid swung wildly at the first few with her pick, but most of them were too fast to hit, and the ones she did get only seemed to be a little stunned before coming back to swarm her again, angrier than they were to begin with.

“Shit!” Giving it up, Astrid, covered her face as much as she could and bolted in the direction she thought the exits were. The evil little things took the opportunity to divebomb her with impunity, but she was barely aware of the scratches and bites as she focused on just getting to the nearby elevator without collapsing. She’d let herself get more tired that she’d realized, and she was gasping for breath by the time she threw herself into the lift and slammed shut the iron grate. Pounding at the button for the exit, Astrid was almost doubled over trying to catch her breath. The sound of pissed off bats screeching echoed up the elevator shaft below her, drowning out the creaking of the lift itself.

Astrid opened her eyes as the elevator dinged, door sliding open, and was a bit worried to find she’d managed to fall asleep for the brief time she’d been standing still, propped up against the wall. Well, she was only a few feet from the exit. She’d go home, pass out, and only get out of bed long enough to feed the chickens in the morning.

The last of the adrenaline left her as she stepped out beneath the night sky. Taking a deep, shaky breath, Astrid and her body agreed it was a good idea to sit down for a second. The next thing she knew, she was flat on her back beneath the nearby tree.

“Shit, Farmer, are you okay?” A dark silhouette blotted out the sky for a second before solidifying into a familiar figure.

“Sebastian?”

He crouched down beside her, looking a bit concerned, “Are you concussed? You’re covered in scratches…”

“Bat gangs: worse than the chickens.”

That didn’t seem to clear things up for Sebastian, who glanced back over his shoulder towards his house, “Maybe I should go wake someone up, or call Harvey.”

Astrid sat up and grabbed his hand before he could run off and be heroic, “I’m okay, just tired.”

The concern wasn’t completely erased by her ability to sit up (although Astrid was quite impressed with herself), but he smiled a little as he looked at her, eyebrow cocked, “You were talking about chickens.”

She sighed, using her hold on Sebastian to start pulling herself up off the ground, “It feels like all I talk about lately is chickens.”

“Chicken gangs.” He stood, getting a hold of her other hand with his free one to help pull her to her feet when she was having dubious success doing it on her own.

“Well, you’d understand if you met my chickens. Nevermind. What are you doing up here in the middle of the night?”

“Could ask you the same thing. I wasn’t the one laying in the dirt.” Sebastian was still holding onto her, but Astrid wasn’t in too much of a rush to let go either. Only partly because she was worried she might do a face plant.

She shrugged, “Avoiding my problems, what about you?”

He nodded, perfectly willing to accept her reason without details, “I was having a smoke by the lake when you stumbled out the mines. Demetrius mentioned seeing you earlier, said you were still down there when he came in for the night.”

Astrid felt herself warming at the implied statement, but managed to keep herself from outright asking if he’d been watching for her. Some people weren’t so lucky when they went exploring in the mines. She knew Abigail had had a close call a couple years ago.

“Well, thanks. I should probably get home, I guess. That dirt’s starting to look pretty comfortable again.”

“Yeah,” Sebastian took a step back, seeming to realize how closely they were standing, and that he was still holding on to her, “I’ll walk you home.”

“Oh, okay. It’s pretty late, are you sure?”

Sebastian snorted, “Don’t worry, I’m not losing any beauty sleep. I’d be up this late anyway; I prefer to work at night.”

Astrid was happy to have some company, even if she felt a bit bad about him making the walk back over the mountain path alone on his way back, “Well, just so long as I don’t get blamed if you go and ruin your good looks over me.”

Sebastian made a bit of a choking noise at her comment, and Astrid re-examined her words as she walked past him. She mentally slapped herself for her lack of filter when she was tired, she didn’t need to embarrass both of them with terrible flirting when he’d just offered to walk her home.

No, correction. She didn’t need to be flirting with Sebastian at all.

A certain dream lingered at the edges of her memory and it took a conscious effort to cram that back into her subconscious and lock it away. She didn’t need to be thinking about _that_ right now either.

Astrid was trying not to let on just how tired she was, but by the time they reached the ridge above Sebastian’s unlit house, she was already stumbling with exhaustion. It didn’t help that the moon was not even half full, giving off only enough light to know that Sebastian was walking along beside her but not enough to read the expression on his face.

Distracted by her line of thought Astrid hadn’t noticed how closely she’d been walking to the edge of the ridge. She felt a rock turn beneath her foot and some of the loosely packed earth began to slip and Astrid was too slow and exhausted to react. By the time her body caught up with the visions of broken bones her brain was throwing at her, Astrid realized she’d been hauled back away from the edge already.

Sebastian had one arm wrapped tightly around her, which he slowly removed after asking, “Alright, farmer?” and getting a shaking nod in return.

“That was uh…” Astrid started laughing, but cut herself off quickly when she heard a note if hysteria in her voice.

“Yeah. Uh, do you maybe want to just stay here tonight? You can take my bed; I’ll sleep on my couch. I’d rather you not collapse anymore tonight.”

That was probably the smart suggestion, but thinking back to her fight with Elliot, she didn’t think it would be the best idea.

“I- I should probably still go home. I don’t want Elliot to worry about where I am all night.” Although she might get a bit of petty satisfaction from not going home, Astrid could only imagine how much more of a problem she’d be making.

“Okay, fair enough. I’d be worried too if I was waiting all night for you to come home. But, I think we should probably stick close though, just in case.” He held out his arm for her to take, and released a breath, shoulders relaxing when she took it.

“I will, because it’s dark, but you don’t have to act like I could fall on my face and die at any moment.”

“Well, you kind of already almost have, like twice.”

Astrid gave him a punch in the shoulder for good measure, and tried to ignore the silent shaking that followed that was obviously barely concealed laughter at her attempt to be threatening.

The walk through the mountain path was mostly quiet, the odd owl calling in the dark and the sound of leaves crunching under their shoes. Astrid was dreading the morning and what it would bring. She really didn’t know how to act towards Elliot after what he’d said today. She decided to leave the ball in his court for now, and see what he had to say for himself. She’d figure out what to do after that.

“So…”

She looked over to Sebastian, waiting for him to continue. He’d been pretty quiet since rescuing her the second time. “So?” She prompted.

“You can just tell me to mind my own business, but I’ve been trying to figure it out ever since you started hanging out with us.”

Their pace slowed, Sebastian didn’t seem to be in a hurry to get to her farm now that he’d gotten started.

“What have you been wondering?”

“Well, how did you and him even, you know, happen? He’s way older than you, and you don’t seem to have much in common –”

“He’s not _that_ much older than –”

“I mean, whenever Sam so much as has a crush on someone I hear about it constantly, and Abbie’s almost as bad. You barely ever mention him. I guess I was just curious…”

They’d come to a stop just outside the farm. She could see smoke from the kitchen chimney rising into the night sky from where they stood. Astrid rubbed a hand over her face and muttered, “I don’t want to talk about Elliot.”

She could feel Sebastian start to draw away from her, “Right. Sorry.”

“We had a fight earlier,” she explained, not wanting Sebastian to think she was shutting him out.

“Oh.” That was all he said, but he stopped moving away, waiting for her.

“It was kind of a big one. I don’t really want to get into what it was about, but it was our first real one and I’m still trying to sort it out in my head. So, I don’t want to talk about Elliot right now.”

Sebastian processed her explanation with the focus of someone about to navigate their way across a field that may, or may not, be full of landmines. “Really? Your first fight? My mom and Demetrius fight all the time.”

“They do?”

“I mean, mom might not want me to be spreading that around, I guess, but yeah. They always make up after.” He looked like he had to physically stop himself from rolling his eyes about that fact.

Astrid sighed heavily, “Yeah.” She turned to head down the steps towards her property.

“Hey, Astrid, something else I meant to ask you.” She held her breath, wondering what else there could be.

“Sam and I wanted to have a game night sometime soon, play some Solorian Chronicles. Interested?”

Astrid laughed, definitely preferring this line of questioning, “Absolutely, just let me know when. And Sebastian? Thanks again, for, you know, everything.”


	6. Spirit's Eve

As it turned out, Astrid hadn’t needed to worry about whether or not Elliot was waiting up for her.

The house had been dark when she gently pushed open the door, only lit by the dimly glowing embers in the kitchen fire. She’d had every intention of passing out on the couch with George, but on nearing the bedroom she’d found an unoccupied bed. With a burnt out and hollow feeling in her chest Astrid had crawled into bed, body aching from the fiasco in the mines, and only managed to kick off her boots before losing consciousness.

The next morning, she’d come in from feeding the chickens to find Elliot waiting for her in the kitchen, where he’d admitted to spending an uncomfortable night in his cabin, apologized for not trusting her, and made pancakes.

She’d accepted. Hadn’t she spent weeks thinking they needed to start working through their problems in a healthy way? So she’d accepted and they’d made up, like Robin and Demetrius would.

As the days passed though, Astrid quickly realized that accepting did not equate to forgiving. As hard as she tried to move past his accusations, something in their relationship had been broken and even as they tried to put the pieces back together, it was a more fragile thing now.

It was hard to know how to behave with Elliot when she wasn’t sure if he was feeling a similar unease between them. He seemed distant, keeping mostly to himself in his study or off at the library. Then again, it was Elliot, and his behaviour could equally be a sign that things were back to normal.

Astrid released a heavy sigh; she should be able to tell the difference by now, right?

“That was heartfelt, my dear. What manner of introspection are you pondering?”

She couldn’t quite make herself look at Elliot as he walked beside her on the path into town, instead she let her eyes linger on the layer of orange and yellow leaves that crunched beneath her feet, “Nothing, just hard to believe it’s already almost winter.”

“Ah. Yes.” He hesitated for a moment, and it was odd to see the man who was so fond of words struggle to find something to say. “You have been looking forward to the Spirit’s Eve Festival?”

She couldn’t help the quick smile that crossed her face as she finally looked up at Elliot; it was endearing to see him like this, so much like he’d been when they’d first started dating. “Yeah, it’s always been my favourite time of year.”

“Well, I’ve never been very good with spooky, spectral things but,” Elliot cleared his throat and threw back his shoulder’s, “you needn’t concern yourself about me. I want you to enjoy the festival to the fullest, and I shall enjoy the feast to _my_ fullest.” Astrid groaned loudly at the joke, which seemed to make Elliot quite pleased with himself, and for the rest of the walk things felt almost normal again.

“Oh wow.” The whole of the town square had been bordered off by tall hedges, and torches cast a flickering light over the festival making the shadows dance and sending shivers through her body, making the fine hairs on her neck stand up. As they made their way beyond Pierre’s booth, a massive, metal barred cage came into view and Astrid was instantly drawn to it. She was only vaguely aware of Elliot making his escape to the tables set up for the feast.

Grinning like an eight-year-old with a sack full of candy, Astrid got as close to the cage as the master of the Adventurer’s Guild would let her, leaning forward to make out the shapes shuffling in and out of the shadows of the enclosure. Her eyes widened as one of the creatures stumbled closer. Remnants of old armour encased chipped and yellowed bones, somehow animated with no muscles or tendons to move them. Her media soaked brain kept expecting them to groan like movie zombies, but of course, they had no vocal cords either. Somehow that one small detail just made them scarier.

“I have no idea how these skeletons are walking… creepy.” The low voice appearing out of nowhere beside her made Astrid jump, then laugh as adrenaline shot through her and she saw that she’d been standing next Sebastian without even noticing.

“Did you just manage to scare yourself?” He chuckled.

“A little bit, yeah,” she laughed again, self-consciously pushing a strand of hair behind her ear, “But that’s kind of the point, right? I have been waiting for Spirit’s Eve all month.”

“Yeah, this is definitely one of the few festivals this town does that isn’t completely lame,” He looked back at the shambling skeleton men, standing where no monsters had any right to be intruding, “Pelican Town knows how to go all out.”

Astrid turned, searching the crowd of people who were at the tables already enjoying the feast, waving when Robin caught sight of her from one of them, but couldn’t see their friends anywhere, “Where are Abby and Sam?

Sebastian shoved his hands in his pockets and nodded off in the direction of the community park, “They both went off to check out the Haunted Maze.”

Another frisson of excitement ran up her spine, “I can’t wait to run the maze. Have you gone yet?”

He grimaced. “I don’t think so; apparently the Wizard himself set the whole thing up. I don’t really want to run into any of their free-range buddies,” he said, indicating the skeletons that were headed towards them at a painfully slow pace.

Astrid grinned, “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.” She grabbed Sebastian’s arm and tried to pull him away from the cages, “And you’ll never hear the end of it from those two if you don’t. Or me, for that matter.”

With a groan to make a movie zombie proud, and an eyeroll for good measure, Sebastian relented, finally letting himself be led toward the maze. Astrid loosened her hold on his arm and he pulled away just far enough to let his hand slip into hers in its place.

As soon as they entered the maze it split into four directions. As Astrid contemplated their options, Sebastian said, “The trick to mazes is to keep to the left, and eventually you’ll find the way out.”

This time it was Astrid’s turn to roll her eyes, “That’s no fun; getting lost is the whole point of a maze.”

“Half the point, at best,” he argued as she led him down the second-to-left path to spite him, and immediately into a dead end.

“Damn.”

It was dark in their little dead end, the height of the hedges blocking out the sparse torch-light, but she didn’t have to be able to see him to know that Sebastian was wearing a smug little smirk when he said, “So… Left?”

This time she let Sebastian take the lead, feeling a little bit smug herself to see he wasn’t as cocky now that he was at the front of the line. They moved slowly through the maze, the tension and anticipation growing with each cramped turn they took. They went so long without seeing anything of the haunted persuasion they were ready to jump at one of Emily’s Jack o’ Lanterns. As they rounded a fourth corner, Astrid thought she could hear a low muttering sound from up ahead. Then suddenly Sebastian came to a halt, dropping her hand when Astrid walked right into his tense back.

“Ugh, let’s go back the way we came,”

“What could possibly be so scary?” Astrid teased, leaning around him to peak past the next corner. Quickly drawing back again, she smacked him lightly on the shoulder, laughing, “That is your sister, dick, not a maze monster.”

“Almost as bad,” he muttered, “Fine, come on.” He shoved his hands back into his pockets and rushed out into the open area, shoulders hunched up around his ears. Astrid ran to catch up before she could lose him in the maze, only managing a quick ‘Hi, Maru’. She wasn’t sure what Sebastian was so worried about, though. His sister had barely noticed them, just kept muttering to herself, “I think I’ve been this way.”

Astrid turned her attention back to new pathway where they’d come out, catching sight of a familiar pair of blue-flamed torches demarcating the entrance to the maze. With no other options left, they turned down the only path remaining (which, from their current position, was now a left turn – Sebastian was decent enough not to point it out though).

The further they walked the darker the shadows grew. Everything seemed to get quieter as well until even their breathing sounded loud, the silence only broken by the occasional shriek from elsewhere in the maze.

They turned at the next corner and Astrid felt something brush by her ankle. She assumed it was just a branch of the hedge maze sticking out until Sebastian yelled. Stepping back to avoid whatever he’d walked into, the thing that had brushed her ankle suddenly turned into a hand, wrapping around her foot. Picturing the animated skeletons, it didn’t seem so ridiculous anymore that there might be some _actual_ monsters in the maze too. Astrid stomped down over and over on whatever had grabbed her with her free foot until the sound of Sebastian’s laughter got her attention.

Looking more closely, she discovered a busted up fake zombie hand planted in the dirt where she’d been standing, and another near Sebastian. More of them trailed up the path.

“Oh sure,” she said, her voice coming out a little shaky, “ _Now_ they’re made of rubber.”

“You weren’t kidding about protecting me, huh? Well, thanks for defending my honor, hero. Even if they were fake monsters.”

Astrid was glad for the shadows that filled the maze as warmth filled her cheeks, partially at having been scared by a rubber prop, and partially because Sebastian took her hand again before heading further down the path.

They came to another branching path to their left, and Astrid was about to follow the logical path when she caught saw something strange further down, “Is that a freaking house?!”

This time she wouldn’t be convinced otherwise and she charged off, navigating a few more zombie hands (much less difficult to do in the better lit area) until it opened up into a large enclosed area that contained, of all things, a little house standing on two chicken legs.

“Oh hell yeah, it’s a freaking _Baba Yaga_ house! Do you think we can actually go in?”

Sebastian was staring at it suspiciously when she looked over to see what he though, “I think one of those legs just moved.”

Astrid wanted to try and talk him into it a little more but the fumes from a nearby bubbling cauldron were starting to get to her, making her feel a bit ill and floaty all at once.

They headed back down to the turn, making good time through the maze from there, avoiding paying too much attention to a staticky television sat in an alcove that would have strange images flash on the screen. She had too much left-over trauma from those Japanese horror movies she’d definitely been to young to see, to be looking at creepy ass TV screens. She’d spent a week sleeping with the lights on when she was twelve after sneaking into the theater to see one in particular.

Up ahead, the maze opened up again to another large area with the fountain at its center. The space only contained a couple of pumpkins and, to their surprise, Abigail.

“Abby! What are you doing waiting here? Aren’t you going to finish the maze?” Astrid called, running over to her.

Abigail shook her head, looking sheepish, “I can’t go on… spiders…” The purple-haired girl shuddered just at the word, so Astrid gave her a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.

“What about Sam?” Abigail nodded towards the path leading deeper into the maze where large, spidery shadows flickered against the hedge maze walls.

Sebastian gave an overly dramatic sigh and crossed his arms, “Well, I guess we’d better go rescue Sam then. Come on, Farmer.”

Since neither of them suffered from Abigail’s level of arachnophobia, the trio of large, _very_ fake spiders weren’t much of a challenge. Astrid did hold them up for a second considering if there was any possible way for her to drag the largest one back to the farm without anyone noticing – she could call him Hector and decorate him for the holidays – but Sebastian was entirely unwilling to help her carry it.

“Oh come on; we could have split custody,” she joked as the navigated a few more corners.

“That just means I’d have to help carry it more!”

Astrid pointedly rolled her eyes at him, “I don’t know why I thought you’d be more helpful with a bit of delinquency.”

Sebastian snorted, “I think you’re confusing me with Sam.”

She shot him a coy smile, “Well that’s impossible, you are much more–”

“Why is Sebastian me?”

As Astrid and Sebastian walked into what looked like the playground, now missing the swing set and littered with headstones and (hopefully) fake skeletons, the spiky haired blond in question stepped out from behind one of the stone graves.

Sebastian scowled over at his best friend and Astrid responded, “No, he’s _not_ you. You’d help me steal a big fake spider.”

“Oh! We could put Sebastian’s hoodie on it and tell people he’d had an allergic reaction, you know, to explain the weird shape.”

“Thanks, Sam,” Sebastian said, deadpan.

“Did you finish the maze already?” It wasn’t a huge area, they had to be close to the end now.

“I don’t think so?” He said, ruffling his hair, “It was odd…It’s just a dead end.”

“That can’t be all there is!” The Wizard had been behind the maze, how could it all just end on a dead end? But a sense of disappointment was already creeping over her. It really wasn’t that big of an area, and if they were already at the park then there wasn’t exactly room for more maze.

Sebastian glanced over at Astrid and then back to Sam, “Well, no one would expect _you_ to figure it out, Sam. We’ll see you and Abby at the feast.”

Sam just laughed at that and started backing up towards the exit, “Right, and when you guys can’t figure it out either, you can cover the next two rounds at the saloon.”

Astrid waited for Sam to disappear down the path before looking back to Sebastian, “You didn’t even want to do the maze. If you want to call it, I’ll cover the rounds.”

“Screw that. Sam hasn’t beat me at something since we were still playing Go Fish.”

With that, they left the makeshift cemetery and immediately found the dead end that Sam had told them about. The only thing in the small square space was a wooden sign with a question mark painted on it.

“Maybe it has something to do with the sign?” Astrid suggested.

They spent nearly fifteen minutes moving the sign around, going back to the cemetery to search for hidden switches, anywhere they thought they might trigger a clue or reveal another path. They went back to the dead end, both of them frustrated with the lack of progress, and Astrid looked at her watch with a sigh.

“It’s getting pretty late. If we don’t want to completely miss the feast we should probably just head back.”

“Sorry,” Sebastian said, “I know how excited you were about the maze.”

He did look genuinely disappointed on her behalf, so Astrid flashed him a cocky grin, “Well, it was still fun. Remember that time we fought off very dangerous zombie hands?”

Sebastian chuckled and tried to turn them both around towards the cemetery again, but neither of them had remembered the low wooden sign just behind them, and he only succeeded in knocking both of them over into the hedge. Sebastian tripped over his own feet as he simultaneously tried not to impale himself, and to stop Astrid from toppling over completely. She fell back, pointy bits of pruned branches digging into her back and causing her to arch away on instinct. One of his hands sunk deep into the hedge, putting him even more off balance so that he had to hold onto Astrid at the waist with the other hand.

There was a heartbeat of silence where they both became very aware of their bodies’ proximities to each other. Astrid glanced down at their entangled legs and caught herself thinking of the private alcove they’d found when they first entered the maze.

Oh boy, dangerous thoughts.

Releasing a breathy, nervous laugh, Astrid scrambled for something to say, “Sooo, we definitely found the end of the maze, right? When they ask.”

“What? Oh, uh, right.”

The night air was cold, and goosebumps prickled across her skin, but she didn’t feel it. All she could feel at the moment was the heat of Sebastian’s hand where it rested. “Um, and there was a, a stone golem.”

“We had to fight it, to escape.”

Branches were still scraping against Astrid’s back, and the small reminder of where they were brought the more logical parts of her brain back online. Astrid extricated herself from their awkward arrangement, trying to ignore the pained expression crossing Sebastian’s face, and began searching her pockets to give herself a reason to look away.

Before the silence could grow awkward, she pulled out a small gold ring. The tiny gem set into it emitted a warm glowing light, just enough to encompass the two of them. She held it out towards Sebastian, who hesitated a moment before taking it.

“And here’s our proof,” she said, “the treasure at the end of the maze.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh, then leaned forward and whispered, “I knew we’d be good together,” before taking her hand once more and leading them back to the festival.


	7. Hard Feelings

Winter hit Stardew Valley seemingly overnight. The farm and surrounding forest glittered with white and for the first time in many months, Astrid’s days weren’t packed from one end to the other with all the farm work she usually had to do.

This made it very difficult to avoid thinking about the Spirit’s Eve festival.

As soon as she and Sebastian had left the maze and she’d gone to join Elliot at his table, she’d begun berating herself. What had she been thinking? She’d been acting like – well, she’d been acting like the walls of the maze were a whole other world. They hadn’t exactly _done_ anything, but she wouldn’t want to tell her husband about anything that had occurred either. She’d gone home that night feeling guilty and confused as hell.

To distract herself, she’d thought she’d spend some more time fishing now that she didn’t have so much farm work to do, but the quiet sounds of running water and birds rustling in the bushes weren’t enough to drown out Sebastian’s words repeating themselves in her head.

_I knew we’d be good together._

And what the hell was that supposed to mean?!

After throwing her fishing rod in the river out of frustration, Astrid quickly decided she didn’t have the patience for fishing and instead turned her attention to all the tasks she never seemed to have time for during the rest of the year.

She’d hauled all the iron ores she’d been saving up all year over to the Clint’s and bothered the surly blacksmith until he admitted he didn’t have any other big work and could get all her tools upgraded by the end of winter. It would be expensive, but with the last of the fall crops sold and what she’d been saving, she’d have just about enough. And with her axe finally better than terrible, Astrid could finally get some of the encroaching forest cleared off her land.

On Shane’s suggestion (strict orders), she also installed a heater in the chicken coop, which now had a new inhabitant.

When her void egg had finally hatched she and Shane had spent a good half a day just staring into the incubator at the tiny, black feathered chick that had emerged. The tiny, black feathered chick with red demon eyes.

“On second thought, you can keep your void chicken to yourself. I don’t think I want to start a breeding program with such uh, evil, stock.”

Then the evil incarnate chicken in question had _cheeped_ sleepily at him and then tipped over like a tiny feathered drunk.

“Well, evil _looking_.”

“I don’t know, I think it’s kind of … cute?” Astrid winced, hearing the lack of confidence in her own voice. “I think I’ll call him Balthazar!”

Shane had sighed and told her, “It’s a she.”

“Yep. Balthazar.” Oh yeah, there was that confidence.

In the handful of weeks since she’d brought the chick home, Balthazar had grown up into a very sweet, yet visually menacing hen who only produced void eggs herself. Something told her it still wasn’t a good idea to try to eat one of the odd-looking eggs, but that didn’t mean they weren’t interesting.

In fact, Astrid was certain of at least one person who’d definitely be intrigued by the void eggs. She’d been debating all week whether it would be stepping over some invisible line to take Sebastian a gift. It shouldn’t even be a question. Since when was giving someone a gift a matter to feel guilty about? And it wasn’t like it was just a random gift; today was Sebastian’s birthday. What kind of a friend would she be if she _didn’t_ take him something?

As true as that was, somehow it still felt like a justification.

Astrid was sick of second guessing herself. Ever since Elliot had asked her if she’d been cheating on him, she had been examining everything she did under a lens of how it would _look_. Well she didn’t need permission to go see a friend on his birthday, just because that friend happened to be male.

After feeding the hens, Astrid collected the day’s eggs, cleaning off the fresh void egg, and made her way up the mountain path.

It was still pretty early when the mountain house came into view, but it had been a long time since Astrid had managed to properly visit with Robin, and the carpenter should be behind her shop counter today.

A little bell jingled as Astrid stepped into the shop, taking a second to knock the snow off of her boots, and a pleasantly surprised “Hello, there!” greeted her.

“Hi, Robin,” Astrid grinned warmly at the red-haired woman, genuinely happy to see her again.

“What brings you all the way out here so early? Is the coop holding up alright?”

Astrid gently sat her bag down by her feet and leaned against the counter across from Robin, “Oh yeah, no great escapes so far,” she laughed, “Actually, I was going to come by to wish Sebastian a happy birthday, and I was hoping to get in a visit with you before the need for coffee is strong enough to drive him out of bed.”

“Well, we like to let Sebby sleep in on his birthday, so it might be a long visit,” Robin smiled.

“Perfect.” Astrid crossed the room and grabbed one of the blue cushioned chairs by the wall, dragging it over to the side of the counter.

“So,” Robin began, leaning on her elbows, “how are things going with, _you know_.”

Astrid winced and looked away, “You know, I came in here fully intending _not_ to just unload all my relationship problems on you like I always seem to do.”

Robin waved a hand at that, “Don’t be silly; that’s what friends are for. Besides, Maru never wants to talk about these things with me,” then, a little quieter, “and I know what you’re going through. It’s harder, in a small town where everybody knows everybody, if you don’t have someone you can talk to.”

Astrid sighed and looked back to the older woman with a smile. She could feel it slipping, not quite reaching her eyes, and the mask she’d gotten so used to wearing lately suddenly felt so heavy.

“We had a fight, a little while ago,” she started, “Our first, actually. Ever since then, it’s like I don’t know how to see him as the same person as before.”

Quietly, Astrid updated her friend on everything that had been weighing on her mind since they’d last had time for a serious conversation. Well, almost everything. She figured she needed to sort out the more complicated things for herself first. Not to mention that most of those things involved her friend’s son, which would be awkward to explain, to say the least.

Robin was one of those rare people who could give advice without judgment, for which Astrid was infinitely grateful, even if she was just mostly glad to talk to someone other than herself about these things for a change.

Around noon, a few shuffling steps announced the arrival of a bed-headed Sebastian, making his way towards the kitchen and the scent of the percolating coffee Robin had just put on to brew. Both women silently watched him disappear down the hall, completely unaware of his audience, then broke out in muffled laughter.  

“So now that my son has risen to join to the living, what do you young people have planned for the birthday festivities? I know if it were up to Seb there wouldn’t be much excitement at all, but I also know that ‘excitement’ is Sam’s middle name.”

“Well, not much for tonight, but I think we were planning to all get together this weekend and–”

Her words were drowned out by the sudden rise in voices coming from the kitchen. Astrid’s eyes swung towards the hall, but from the corner of her eye she saw an expression of disappointed resignation on Robin’s face. The voices grew louder and louder, talking over each other so that all she could make out were the owners of the voices: Sebastian and Demetrius.

Robin was halfway around the counter when Sebastian appeared, striding towards the door. He nearly walked right past them when Robin called out to him, “Sebastian! What was that all about?”

Sebastian halted and spun around to face his mother, face flushed and scowling. He froze before he could respond, catching sight of Astrid half-risen from her seat, and the angry red in his face shifted to his cheeks, forcibly relaxing the tension in his shoulders a little.

“I– What are you doing here?” His eyes widened with a familiar look of desperation. Only last time, it had been Astrid desperate for an escape.

“Um,” she glanced at Robin, who looked just as confused by the sudden change in her son’s demeanor as she was, and then flicked her eyes back to Sebastian, “I came to kidnap you. For birthday reasons.”

Sebastian swallowed, looking over his shoulder to where Maru had appeared from the depths of the lab. That seemed to be enough to settle whatever internal debate he’d been having, because he held the door open and nodded for Astrid to go through, “Yeah, let’s get out of here.”

Astrid gathered up her bag and shrugged at a relieved looking Robin before saying goodbye and following Sebastian out into the winter sun.

For a moment after the two left, Robin stared after them with a soft, “Huh”, until her daughter walked over with hands on hips and asked, “What was all that about?”

 

Astrid let Sebastian set the pace and pick a direction, since she hadn’t _actually_ been planning to kidnap him and didn’t think he’d been expecting her to take him somewhere anyway. They didn’t wind up going far, just to the southern edge of the mountain lake.

Sebastian reached for the pockets of the jacket he hadn’t been wearing and came to an abrupt stop as he realized he’d forgotten it. “Shit,” he muttered, searching his jeans pockets as well before combing his fingers through his hair, and expelling a frustrated sigh.

“Want me to get it for you?” Astrid could guess what he’d been looking for in his jacket pockets, and though she personally thought smoking in this day and age equated to purposeful idiocy, she could also recognize it for what it was in this moment: a way to cope with stress. Besides, she didn’t want him to freeze to death in just a shirt either.

“No,” he said, clearing away some snow and then dropping to lean his forearms against the wooden fence railing. He turned a sheepish grin towards Astrid as she came over to join him, “Thanks.”

She wasn’t sure if he was thanking her for the offer to save his pride and get his jacket for him, or for being an excuse to leave the house, but neither was terribly important at the moment. “What happened?”

At first, he just shrugged, staring out over the lake, and she wasn’t sure he would want to talk about it at all.

“I don’t even really know. It’s not like I usually have a temper or anything, but when it comes to Demetrius I just never seem to be good enough. And every time I tell myself I’m not going to react, I’m not going to say anything – but that’s hard to do when you’ve grown up half your life being made to feel like that.”

Astrid didn’t say anything; Sebastian didn’t need her to empathize with him right now, just to listen. She placed her elbows up on the fence beside him, a silent presence of reassurance.

Now that he’d started, the words seemed to come more easily, more like a stream of consciousness than the usual angry complaints she was used to hearing after he and Demetrius had argued. “I know I call him a dick a lot, and he is, but I get that that’s not all he is. I guess he’s normally a decent guy; he’s good to my mom, and he’s always there for Maru. But he doesn’t get that just because he doesn’t understand or approve of something doesn’t make it worthless!” He stopped, taking a deep, shaky breath, and Astrid wondered if he was just talking about his work now, or about himself.

Maybe he didn’t even know.

Once again, Sebastian reached subconsciously for the contents of his jacket pockets, then rubbed the back of his neck with an embarrassed huff when he caught himself, “I don’t fit his idea of how things should be. I don’t fit with his imagined perfect family. Maybe that’s why we clash so much, right from the start; he can’t pretend when I’m around.”

Her heart broke for him. Astrid could only imagine a life like he was describing. For the past few years of her life it’d been just her and her dad, and never once had she been made to feel like she was unwanted, or that he wouldn’t support her. And not only that, but from what little she’d seen, no one ever even mentioned Sebastian’s father, as if the whole town were pretending, too.

She watched him for a moment, out the corner of her eye as she wondered if the question sitting on her tongue was a bad idea, or if maybe Sebastian would be glad to have someone acknowledge where he came from. Carefully she asked him, “What about your dad?”

That got him to look at her for a second. “He left when I was pretty young. I don’t hear from him as much anymore, but that doesn’t mean I want to forget he ever existed like Demetrius. We email. A few years back he actually asked me if I wanted to move out to the city with him, but,” he shrugged, “I couldn’t leave mom. And I figured he’d already left once, wouldn’t want get out there and have him suddenly remember why he didn’t want to hang around in the first pla–”

Without thinking, Astrid had turned and thrown her arms around the cold, suddenly very awkward town loner. Sebastian froze, arms stuck out at a weird angle, “Uh, farmer?”

“Shut up. I know you hate this, but just let it happen.”

Astrid could feel his head fall back as he stared imploringly at the sky, but after a moment he accepted the inevitable and put his arms around her as well. When he tried to pull away this time, she graciously allowed it.

Sebastian went back to leaning against the fence, shoulders hunched up against the winter air, before deciding to retroactively protest the human contact, “I wasn’t exactly crying over shit that happened years ago, you know.”

Astrid followed suit, nudging her shoulder into him as she resumed her spot beside him, “Well, maybe you didn’t need a hug after all that, but _I_ did.”

For a while they both just stood there, staring out over the mountain lake and its little islands. Slushy water lapped slowly at the steep incline of the ground, and slow, sleepy fish sent ripples dancing over the surface of the water. Even dressed for the weather, Astrid was starting to feel the chill seeping into her skin, and she was starting to worry Sebastian was going to give himself frostbite if they hung around much longer.

She turned to suggest they head back inside just as Sebastian began to speak. Then they both stopped to let the other say whatever they’d been about to say and wound up staring at each other in silence. It was the verbal equivalent of trying to walk around somebody in a narrow walkway. Astrid laughed, “You go first.”

The last thing she’d been expecting was for Sebastian to lean in towards her, turning his body to face hers. A hand tentatively rested on her arm and she tilted her mouth towards his, her eyes closing automatically, naturally, before what was happening reached her brain and she stiffened. She sucked in a breath, her eyes snapping open again to see that Sebastian had caught himself, too. He stepped back so quickly she was only aware of the sudden cold air on her face.

“Shit. Shit! I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have – Ah, you probably hate me now!”

Astrid was still struggling to process the fact that Sebastian had not quite kissed her (and that she had not quite stopped him) when his tirade began to sink in.

“Sebastian. Sebastian, stop,” words tumbled out of her, anything to try to explain away and fix things, “Don’t be an idiot, I don’t hate you! It – you were upset and – and it was just one of those impulse things, right? It didn’t mean anything.” Sebastian was looking anywhere but at Astrid, but he’d stopped pacing away and seemed to at least believe her.

“It didn’t mean anything,” she repeated, “You’re one of my best friends, of course I don’t hate you. We don’t even need to talk about it.”

He still wasn’t looking at her, and something about the way he silently nodded his agreement sent a sharp pain through her. Astrid scrambled for something else to bring them back to normal, to help them move on from the moment, when she remembered why she’d come to see him in the first place.

“Oh! I almost forgot. I brought you something for your birthday,” She dug through her bag, searching for the void egg she’d carefully wrapped up and packed away, hearing herself babble as she frantically searched, “I know we were all going to wait ’til Friday but I just thought, well you didn’t believe me when I told you about Balthazar, and _today_ is your birthday, and it would suck if nobody did anything on the day and anyway – Ah! Here it is.”

She held out the small, black egg until he took it, looking surprised enough to forget how uncomfortable things had just been, at least for the moment.

“Happy Birthday,” she said in the most insecure, sing-songy voice she had ever heard come out of herself.

A disproportionate amount of relief flooded through her when she heard his familiar, quiet huff of laughter as he examined her gift and said, “Thanks. This is cool.”

There was only so much a person could do to play off a near-kiss though, and after a moment Sebastian nodded towards his house, “I, uh, I’d better get back before I get hypothermia. I’ll see you later.”

“Right, yeah. It’d be a pretty shitty birthday if you froze to death,” she said, wincing.

For the first time in her life, Astrid found herself sincerely praying for a miracle as she watched him go, wishing that the ground would open up and swallow her whole where she stood.

And now she had yet another thing to try not to think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm back! Sorry to everyone who's been following the story for how long it's been since the last update, unfortunately some life stuff was going on, but now I am free to get back to the awkward, awkward nerd love.


	8. Caught in the Middle

Despite what Astrid had said to Sebastian, some things _did_ change when one of your best friends tried to kiss you. And that was before you factored in the level of denial and avoidance she’d been practicing whenever she was around said friend even before that.

If compartmentalization was an Olympic sport, Astrid could've gone pro.

She hadn’t been lying when she told Sebastian she didn’t hate him. No, that may have been the only true thing she’d said in her haste to recover from a surprising situation. She just… hadn’t figured out how to be normal around him yet. So with very few crops to sell in the winter and not much need to go into town or see people, Astrid found herself spending most of her time at home again; falling back into her safe, familiar patterns.

Astrid had been sat at the kitchen table one evening, staring off into space and absentmindedly scratching a rumbling George behind the ears when a soft voice beside her caught her attention.

“Ahem,” Elliot stood a few steps away looking anxiously between Astrid and the bundle of loose paper clenched in his hands, “I apologize for interrupting your thoughts, my dear, but if you wouldn’t mind – that is, I know I’ve been somewhat absent of late, and I was hoping you’d let me read some of my new novel to you?” A weight that Astrid had become too used to feeling suddenly lifted from her with those words. They felt like an admission, an apology, and the effort to just _try_ that she’d been wanting from him these last few months when she’d been feeling more and more ignored. She stared at him for just a moment, feeling like maybe this was the turning point she’d been looking for in their relationship.

“Of course, Elliot. I’d love to hear what you’ve been writing,” Astrid shoved down all the pointlessly confusing thoughts that had been taking up so much of her days lately and gave all her attention to her husband, feeling a silly grin spread over her face.

Elliot returned her warm smile, managing to look both bashful and relieved as he pressed a chaste kiss to the back of her hand, “You know I get entirely too caught up in my writing sometimes, but I’ve been missing my muse terribly,” he added.

Elliot’s attention shifted back to the sheaf of papers in his hand before he could catch the flicker in Astrid’s expression at the word ‘muse’, but she pushed that bruise-like feeling down too and arranged herself comfortably as Elliot began to speak.

“I’m trying something a bit different, something perhaps a little inspired by my time living on the beach and some old mariner stories. It’s the story of a fisherman who meets a woman who lives in the sea, and he’s so struck by her beauty that he brings her back to his home on land and– well, perhaps I should just get to reading it,” he chuckled nervously, shaking out the papers.

There was no denying that Elliot was a talented writer. His descriptive use of words evoked such clear images in Astrid’s mind that she felt as if she were watching the story unfold. More, as Elliot read, she almost felt as if she were experiencing the story.

The tale was told from the fisherman’s perspective recounting his love of this woman from the sea and his many trials as he was forced to leave her behind in his little fishing village when he went out into the dangers of sea, yearning to return to his lady of the sea.

The story was never told from her point of view, but Astrid’s imagination was caught on the image of the woman who had followed the man she loved away from the ocean she must have loved just as much, only to be abandoned as he returned again and again to the sea without her.

“My dear?”

Astrid blinked, focusing back on Elliot, who’d stopped reading mid-sentence, “Elliot?”

He’d stopped his pacing as he read, stepping closer to her. Elliot reached out a hand and ran his thumb over her cheek, “Why are you crying?”

Astrid’s hands flew to her face where she could now feel the cooling wetness on her cheeks. Elliot produced an honest to god handkerchief for her to dry her eyes with, “Oh. I- I didn’t realize I was.”

Elliot watched her, uncertainty in his expression, “Did you not care for it?”

“What? No, no Elliot, it’s beautifully written.”

“Ah, well, not that it isn’t high praise indeed to evoke such a reaction with one’s storytelling, but I hadn’t thought this to be a particularly emotional part.”

“No,” Astrid began, staring down at the handkerchief, and tried to put into words the connection she’d felt for the woman in his story, “I just felt so sad for her, alone and endlessly waiting for her fisherman,” she looked into Elliot’s eyes, trying to see if what she was saying made sense.

“Her? The fisherman’s love? I’m embarrassed to confess I hadn’t thought of that,” he replied slowly.

“How does it end?” She was suddenly, irrationally desperate to know. The sudden change in topic seemed to confuse Elliot, who was already having trouble following her thoughts, “Their story, how does it end? Will she be trapped there forever, or, or will she…” Astrid’s words trailed off, not sure what it was she wanted for the lady from the sea.

Elliot sat down across from her at the small kitchen table, “Well, I hadn’t decided on an end to the story yet. I wouldn’t want it to be too much of a cliché, you see. But you’ve certainly given me some things to think about.”

Her husband didn’t disappear immediately to his study as she’d expected him to after apparently having a creative epiphany. Instead he quietly kept her company as they both sat lost in their own thoughts for a while. They both eventually retired to bed (earlier than Astrid normally would but she often found herself having not much reason to be up late in winter) with not much more said between them.

As soft moonlight fell across Elliot’s sleeping form, and the warmth of their bed lulled Astrid to sleep as well, she realized that for the first time that she could remember the silence between them had been a comfortable thing.

 

It had snowed overnight, and the air seemed to be insulated by the fresh layer of white that coated everything. As Astrid crossed the river by way of the stone bridge, her steps were muffled as if even the weather was conspiring to hide her actions.

She grimaced as the Joja Mart loomed suddenly ahead of her. She’d been avoiding the place ever since she’d come to town, only entering the once when she’d first been exploring her new home. She hadn’t bought a single thing that day or since. Aside from the instant, awful flashbacks to her days working in a cubicle at Joja HQ in the city, she’d been instantly repelled by the manager. Morris was a creepy little man who, as far as she was concerned, was probably a vampire.

Well, except for the fact that Joja Mart would definitely be open 24 hours if he were. But still.

Basically, the very last thing she wanted to do was walk into that overly sanitized, harshly lit fluorescent hell (more like limbo, actually, if the cashier’s zombified expression was anything to go by) but this morning she’d found her secret gift recipient in the mail from Mayor Lewis.

She was a little stumped when she’d seen Shane’s goddaughter’s name written on her letter, but luckily for her she had, as Abigail liked to put it, a way with the town’s antisocial assholes. Astrid couldn’t quite deny a certain Joja employee’s abrasive first nature, so with a fair amount of pride in her ability to safely do so, she’d set off to find out from Shane what exactly you got a little girl for a Winter Star Feast gift.

When the mega store’s doors slid open, Astrid slunk her way down the endless aisles with all the maturity and confidence of a teenager buying condoms for the first time. It felt like she was acting out a stealth section in a video game as she did her best to search for Shane while not letting Morris see her. For some reason the store’s manager seemed to feel it was his life’s mission to get Astrid to sign up for a membership card.

As she wove her way up and down the aisles, Astrid was beginning to get worried that Shane had called in sick for the day or was off in the back or on a break or something. She was running out of aisles and getting closer and closer to Morris’ booth. The only reason she hadn’t waited to just talk to Shane at home was that he could be a bit difficult to track down on work days otherwise, and besides, depending on what he thought Jaz might like, Astrid wanted to get a start as soon as possible. Then she rounded the corner of the second to last aisle and nearly tripped over the man in question as he was restocking shelves at waist height.

“Ahah!”

“Er, hey, farmer.” Shane glanced around the empty store before lowering his voice to match Astrid’s strangely quiet yell, “Why are we whispering?”

“So your vampire boss doesn’t know I’m here!” She joined Shane crouched down by the lower shelves and glanced over her shoulder as well, just in case.

Not looking in his direction, Astrid didn’t see Shane roll his eyes, but she was confident that’s what he was doing when he sighed and responded at his normal volume, “What do you want? I’m working.”

Astrid scowled at Shane. This is what happened when someone reluctantly let you befriend them, they took so long to stop pretending they didn’t like you. She considered just walking away and leaving him perplexed and irritated, but Astrid was a firm believer that when you give a child a gift it had better be damn _magical_ and she couldn’t afford to be petty about these things.

“It’s an emergency,” she stage-whispered (just because Shane wasn’t going to go for it didn’t mean Astrid was willing to risk alerting Morris to her presence), “I need to know what kind of presents are good for little girls. Also,” she said pointing at the box he was unpacking, “what in Yoba’s name is Taco Sauce for Babies?!”

When his face didn’t change from it’s usual non-expression, she figured she should elaborate, “I got Jaz’s name; what does she like?”

The normally grouchy man dressed all in the most depressing blue uniform she could imagine melted a little when he realized he was being accosted at work on behalf of his goddaughter, but that understanding and patience didn’t quite translate over to Astrid. He gave her the side-eye and said, “Uh, shouldn’t you know? Since you were one once and all.”

This time it was Astrid’s turn to roll her eyes at _Shane’s_ ignorance, “In case you hadn’t noticed, I am what the other kids on the playground affectionately termed ‘weird’ and can’t be trusted to give Jaz a present based on what _I_ would have liked at her age. Besides, I don’t think they even make smelting kits for children anymore.”

Shane looked mildly horrified as he took a proper look at her and muttered to himself. “That explains a lot.” Then he shrugged and moved on to what Astrid considered the more important issue, “I don’t know, anything sugary or pink with Jaz lately.”

Astrid nodded silently for a moment, “Right. So, pink cake, then?”

“Basically, yeah.”

“Perfect, see you around, then.”

Shane sighed again before muttering, “Yeah, you will.”

Astrid backed up around the corner, still at a crouch, so she could get a little further away from Morris-central before she made a run for the exit. As she turned the corner she heard the back-room doors near the freezers slam shut, and a familiar exuberant voice called out, “Oh, hey Astrid!”

She spun around to see Sam wheeling out a mop bucket, pulling off his headphones as he caught sight of her. Luckily, Astrid knew Sam could be trusted to just go with things, so when she made her best attempt to mime the phrase ‘Shut the hell up and meet me over by the overripe pears’, he ditched his mop and bucket and made his way casually (or as casually as humanly possible for Sam) over to the produce section.

“So, what are you doing here?” Sam asked when he caught up to her, as if nothing out of the ordinary for him had just occurred.

Astrid shrugged, “Had to see a man about a cake.”

Sam laughed, shaking his head, “Abigail and I have a running bet about whether you’re actually friends with him, or just think you are.

“Well the longer the bet runs the better the odds, don’t you think?”

“Also, I’m pretty sure Shane would just tell you to fuck off if he didn’t like you at least a little bit.”

Astrid thought back over her various encounters with the man, “Okay, to be fair, he does still do that sometimes, but I’m pretty sure that’s just how he shows affection.” She looked Sam over while he considered that before deciding it wasn’t meddling if she was only making a friendly recommendation, “You know, you should try talking to him more. I mean you two work together, plenty of time to work on that prickly façade.” She leaned in to whisper suggestively, “And if all else fails, bribe him with pizza.”

Sam’s ears turned pink, “Uh, what?”

“Never mind,” she said, not wanting to cross over into meddling territory. She glanced around again for any sign of Morris, “Listen I gotta go while the coast is clear.”

“Ugh, back to work then, I guess. See you tonight though?”

Her brain froze, quickly trying to figure out if she knew what Sam was talking about, and if she was _supposed_ to know what he was talking about. She came up with nothing and asked for clarification, “Huh?”

“Solorian Chronicles! Seb said he invited you to the game night tonight, right? Are you still coming?”

“Oh,” Astrid swallowed, suddenly nervous. Was it better to skip out tonight or go and just get the first bit of awkwardness out of the way? Sam would be there, so it wasn’t like they’d have to pretend nothing had happened with just the two of them. If she didn’t go, Sebastian would think salvaging their friendship was out of the question. If she didn’t go, he might be right.

“Uhm, yeah, of course. I’ll see you there.”

 

Oh, this had been such a mistake.

Astrid had been standing outside of Sebastian’s house in the dark for long enough now that she could no longer claim to just be fashionably late. And all the way here she’d found herself turning around to go back home only to go five steps before changing her mind again. It had made the usually short walk through the mountain path take forever. She was just about to change her mind again when the front door swung open.

Astrid froze like a terrified woodland creature as Robin and Demetrius nearly collided with the girl planted on their doorstep.

“Hello, Astrid!” Demetrius laughed.

“Uh, hi,” she squeaked.

Robin laughed and pulled the door open wider, “Here for game night?”

Well, there was no changing her mind now, was there? “Yeah, I’m a little late.” Astrid stepped into the warm foyer and moved aside so she wasn’t blocking the door.

“Well, Demetrius and I were just heading down to the saloon, so feel free to help yourself if you need anything.”

“Right, thanks. Have a good night, then.” She waited a moment after the two had left, a voice whispering in the back of her mind that she could still escape, nobody would know she’d left now that Robin and Demetrius were gone. Then she decided enough was enough. She wasn’t a coward, and she didn’t run away from her problems.

Except for that one time that she had literally quit her job and run away to another town to become a farmer.

Astrid took a deep breath and made her way down the stairs to Sebastian’s room. She could hear voices arguing with a friendly tone through the door. At the last moment she made sure her expression was clear of all the doubt and indecision and pushed open the door like it was just another day.

“See? I told you she said she was coming!” Sam hopped up from his seat and pulled another stool up to the table that already had a map and cards spread out over it.

Sebastian glanced at her as he shuffled some cards, clearly just as unsure as Astrid about how to act, “Hey, farmer,” he said softly.

Astrid smiled as she took the seat across the table from Sebastian, trying to convey as subtly as possible that yes, it was a little weird for her too, and no, she wasn’t going to disappear on him now. Sebastian flashed her a quick, relieved grin in response before letting his eyes drop back to the cards.

He drew a card from the top of the just shuffled pile, “Looks like today we’re going to the Necromancer’s Tower. We have to reclaim the Solorian Staff from the Dreadlord Xarth.”

“Alright, Astrid, you ready to chose your character?” Sam asked, shooting his eyebrows up and down as he fanned the player cards out on the table. “Seb usually plays Wizard, and Warrior’s my favourite but it’s your first time playing with us so I guess you can have first pick.” He said that, but at the same time the excitable blond slowly drew the Warrior card toward himself, squinting up at Astrid to see if she’d call him on it.

“Okay, okay, I’ll be the healer. Just so long as we all acknowledge that I am not just playing the healer because I am the ‘chick’. I’m just being a good guest.”

Sebastian grinned at that, and even huffed a quiet laugh as Sam crowed, “Yeah!”

“Healer’s a very important role,” Sebastian said, “Especially when you’re playing with Sam who doesn’t understand the meaning of the word ‘caution’.”

If Sam had noticed the somewhat awkward feeling in the room, he didn’t say anything. In fact, Sam’s complete ignorance of the elephant in the room went a long way to clear the air. She and Sebastian were able to use Sam as their intermediary, never quite interacting with just one another. Astrid was so happy with how easily they had slipped back into their comfortable friendship that she didn’t even really mind playing the support class.

They made their way through the various traps and monsters littering the Necromancer’s Tower, defeating shambling skeletons so like the ones they’d seen on Spirit’s Eve, and destroying arcane capsules. With every victory Astrid would glance across the table and catch Sebastian looking back at her with that familiar grin he could never manage to hide when he was really enjoying himself.

When their team had finally made it to the top of the Necromancer’s Tower, the Dreadlord Xarth threw a spell that downed both their Warrior and Wizard, leaving Sam and Sebastian calling for her to heal them as their options ran out. Astrid could only choose to heal one of them on her turn before Xarth would get a chance to finish her off as well and even though it was all just a game, in the moment, the pressure was oh so real.

“I don’t know, I don’t know!” She yelled.

Sam was practically jumping out of his seat, fingers pushing back his hair so that it stood up even more than usual, “Heal me! I can stab him in the face!”

“He’s a caster, he’ll just blow you up before you get close enough!” Sebastian yelled back.

The rising voices talking over each other gave Astrid no room to think logically so she just went with her instincts, “Aaaaah! I heal Sebastian!” Was she yelling? She might’ve been yelling, too.

Sam stared wide eyed between them as Sebastian locked eyes with Astrid, “Thanks, Astrid.” Then triumphantly he cast a final spell, defeating the Dreadlord in one shot.

“Oh my god, I was actually about to have a panic attack at the end there,” Astrid laughed, leaning back in her seat.

Sebastian gathered up all the enemy and trap cards into a pile, starting to shuffle them all again as he looked between Sam and Astrid, “We did pretty good, it took me a few tries to beat my first scenario. Should we play another one?”

“I might regret it in the morning but I don’t think I can stop now. Let me just run to the bathroom,” she said, hopping up and heading for the stairs.

It was a little odd to be wandering around Robin and Sebastian’s home alone when she usually went no further than the basement room. When she was finished in the bathroom, she caught Maru coming out of the kitchen.

“What are you guys doing down there? I could hear you all yelling from my room.”

“Shit, sorry Maru. I’ll let them know we should keep it down.”

Maru shrugged, “Don’t worry about it, I’m going to do a bit of stargazing so I’ll be up anyway.”

When Maru had gone, Astrid got a look at the time from the kitchen clock and was surprised to find it was already 11:30. She hadn’t heard Robin and Demetrius come home yet, but it was possible she just hadn’t noticed. While Maru might not care about the noise, they’d better keep an eye on the volume anyway just in case there were others sleeping in the house.

She was halfway down the stairs to Sebastian’s room when she heard her name being spoken, and paused.

“What are you thinking? She’s like, as taken as it gets.” Astrid winced, apparently Sam had not been as oblivious as she’d assumed.

“I’m not stupid, mind your own fucking business, Sam,” Sebastian responded darkly.

“Aw, man, this is like, the first time I’ve seen you look at somebody like that since we were all in middle school and you got your first crush on Abby. How am I supposed to ignore that?”

There was a long silence and Astrid started to wonder if she should make a noise so they knew she was coming back when Sebastian responded, voice soft, “Like you said, she’s _married_. So don’t say a fucking thing.”

Astrid’s heart thudded painfully in her chest. Blood rushed to her face and ears, pulse echoing loudly as she tried to take deep breaths and calm herself down. She half turned on the steps as if to go back upstairs but she didn’t really know what she was supposed to do. Her face was burning and she couldn’t go back into the room like this or they’d know, _they’d know_ she’d heard them talking.

It was one thing for this thing between her and Sebastian, whatever it was, to exist in the quiet moments when they were alone together, where no one else could see it and she could pretend it didn’t exist outside of those moments. But hearing Sam talk about it, realizing that no matter what she told herself, this was a real thing happening… Astrid wasn’t ready to confront that yet.

Slowly, as deliberately as she could, Astrid took the last few steps towards the door, hoping her face didn’t give her away. She couldn’t quite meet their eyes as she walked into the room just far enough to start collecting her coat and bag from the couch by the door.

“Sorry, guys, I just realized what time it was,” her voice sounded distant and tinny in her ears so she tried to make it sound brighter, more like she thought she was supposed to sound, “I had a really great time tonight, but I should go.”

She waved with an arm that seemed as graceful and mobile as a plank of wood, already turning back towards the door. She heard Sam react with a confused, “Oh, okay, see you later, Astrid” as she shut the door firmly behind her and tried to keep her breathing even until she got out of the house.

Her head was filled with static the whole walk home, she was barely aware of coming in the door and taking off her boots, or of climbing into bed. Her brain seemed to be doing it’s best to drown out all the things she couldn’t handle thinking about right now, just concentrating on her breathing and trying to go to sleep. She’d be able to deal with this all in the morning, after she’d had some time to sleep on it.

Finally, as her racing heart and mind began to calm, she felt her body begin to relax as well. The comfort of the familiar began to work on her, soothing her nerves. Here in her room, in her home, everything was as it should be: her cat slept on the armchair in the corner, frost glittered in the moonlight reflecting off the windows over her bed, and Elliot shifted in his sleep beside her. Tomorrow was soon enough to worry about things, right now all she had to do was relax.

A warm hand slid beneath the covers to find hers, wrapping around her night chilled fingers.

Astrid sighed, squeezing back lightly.

“Astrid,” Elliot whispered, “Should we have a baby?”

She froze, hearing the words that had gone unspoken for so long bounce around inside her head. She’d known it was coming, known Elliot had been working up to this moment with subtle suggestions and careful questions. She should have already known what she was going to say when the time came.

Astrid slowly drew her hand away from her husband’s and rolled over to face the wall without a word.


	9. Heart Events

Astrid was starting to get the appeal of the whole standing in the rain thing. It was barely past noon and the sky was a dark, roiling mass of grey clouds pouring down on her as she let her feet carry her blindly through the storm. It was the perfect setting as she thought back on all the decisions she had made and actions she had taken that had led her to this point.

It had all felt like some kind of dream when she’d woken up the morning after, well, after everything had imploded. Like one of those awful, awful dreams that feel so real you wake up with your heart pounding or tears pooling in your eyes. Only she hadn’t been dreaming that she’d gone to school naked or had to go crawling back to Joja Corp because she’d somehow managed to ruin everything. No, she’d ruined everything and unfortunately for Astrid, it hadn’t been a dream at all.

It was shocking that just a few words could utterly overshadow the turmoil in her heart after she’d left Sebastian’s house that night, but she’d woken up in an empty bed with nothing but Elliot’s voice echoing in her mind: _Should we have a baby?_

Astrid was surprised she’d managed to sleep at all after that.

She’d been able to hear Elliot in the kitchen, the sounds of a tap running, the fridge opening, George’s insistent voice demanding that he be fed. The only thing that could get Astrid to leave her bed was the certainty that she deserved whatever her husband might say to her.

The acceptance of that fact had washed over her like the tide coming in, lifting the pressure off of her chest. Whatever was going to happen now would happen, and there was no stopping it or hiding from it, so she might as well get on with things.

She hadn’t even bothered to dress, it probably didn’t matter what you wore to discuss… what? Not wanting to have a baby with the man you’d married? It felt like more than that. She’d thought maybe she knew what it really meant, but that was still something she hadn’t come to terms with enough to acknowledge yet. So as much to find out where they went from there as to get it over with, Astrid had climbed out of bed and made her way to the kitchen.

Her arrival had been silent except for the soft sound of her bare feet on the tile. Elliot had turned, coffee in hand, and paused when he saw her. She’d held her breath waiting for him to speak, but when he did it was merely to inform her: “I think I’ll be working in my study today, if you need me.” And that was it. For a second her heart had stopped, like she’d been expecting an extra step that wasn’t there. Had Elliot thought she’d been asleep when she didn’t answer him? Could it really be that easy? But no, every time Elliot had looked at her, his eyes slid away as if she were too hard to look at. Painful like the sun. And Astrid had been too much of a coward to stop him as he walked past.

She had been so ready for some kind of confrontation that when it didn’t come, Astrid hadn’t been able to move on. She and Elliot somehow turned into strangers living in the same house, rarely speaking, never occupying the same room, and only coming to bed when one of them had already fallen asleep.

Astrid’s life had seemed to stagnate, and she’d moved through her days as if a stone was tied to her. She’d stopped leaving the farm, stopped seeing her friends, stopped doing anything that wasn’t necessary. She probably wouldn’t even have gone to the Winter Star Feast except that she didn’t want to let down Shane’s niece.

She hadn’t stayed long. Elliot had made his own way there and she didn’t expect he would mind her absence, so Astrid had tracked down Shane as quickly as possible and thrust a pink cake box wrapped in sparkly ribbon into his hands.

“Can you give this to Jas for me?” She’d seen the girl dressed in her holiday best, but she’d been with Marnie and the Mayor and Astrid just really hadn’t wanted to get drawn into a conversation.

Shane had frowned down at the gift and then raised an eyebrow at Astrid, “Why can’t you just give it to her when everyone else exchanges gifts?”

This was exactly why she hadn’t wanted to chat. Just down the end of Shane’s table, Elliot stood with Gus and Leah, caught up in conversation with them as if he hadn’t had a care in the world. Astrid hadn’t even bothered to try and look Shane in the eye when she said, “I don’t think I can stay that long. I have to, uh, I have to go home.”

“Farmer,” The expression on Shane’s face had turned into one of concern, and it was more than Astrid had been able to deal with to see worry on the face of someone who still rolled his eyes at least twice every time he spent time with her. “Astrid. What’s going on?” When she didn’t answer him, Shane had turned to follow her line of sight and Astrid made her escape before he could come to his own conclusions.

She’d moved as quickly as she’d dared, not wanting to draw any more attention to her leaving than necessary, but she’d felt the eyes on her, knew Sam had been trying to waive her down from the table across from where she’d stood talking to Shane. She’d walked right past Abigail as she called out to her. And from the corner of her eye, she couldn’t help but glance over and see Sebastian watching her from the table he’d shared with his family, where Robin had happily invited her to join them every year since Astrid had first moved to town.

Astrid had sighed deeply, a shudder wracking her body, once she was on the path home and out of sight of the town center. She’d been naïve to believe she could just stop in and leave again with no one noticing.

She’d been naïve about a lot of things.

Like the fact that she’d fallen in love with one of her best friends.

And despite that knowledge, and everything else, it hadn’t changed the fact that she still loved Elliot. It would almost make things easier if she didn’t.

Somehow, she didn’t think it was possible to just stop loving someone like that.

It was that one, endlessly complicated concept that kept Astrid awake at night and wandering her own home like a ghost in the day.

Spring had appeared, offering Astrid the blessed distraction of hard work. She’d spent days working to get the farm back in running order, from dawn to dark, hoping that somewhere in there her subconscious would reconcile her conflicting feelings. For nearly three weeks she’d felt like she was living an out of body experience, just waiting for something to happen.

Then this morning, she’d woken to the sound of rain, and the sound of Elliot already in his study (if Astrid had been hiding herself in her work, she had nothing on Elliot’s dedication), and she’d felt a sense of agency she hadn’t had for so long.

Astrid had fed George, gone out to check on her hens, and collected a batch of freshly grown strawberries. She was done waiting for something to happen, and with that oddly simple decision made, Astrid had felt calm.

She’d caught Elliot making coffee. He watched her as she put away her strawberries, waiting until she turned to face him. He’d glanced toward his study, mug in hand, and surprised his wife by taking a seat at their small kitchen table.

Astrid had crossed her arms and bit at her lip. Deciding was one thing, finding a way to begin was entirely another. The sound of fingers slowly tapping against wood drew her eyes to Elliot, who stared into coffee as if he’d hoped to find his answers there.

“Elliot, why don’t we ever fight?” The words had just come out. Astrid hadn’t even realized that was what she was going to say, they were just floating through her mind and then suddenly she’d said them.

Elliot had sat back in his chair, still staring at the table, but she’d seen the frustration and confusion in his eyes, “I would have thought that was a good thing.”

“Is it? Robin and Demetrius fight, everyone who loves someone fights.” She could hear the pitch of her voice rising as she’d tried to keep herself calm, but everything had already begun to feel like it was falling apart, she hadn’t even known what she was trying to say. “Ugh, that’s not – that’s not the point. We can’t just keep pretending we aren’t having problems. That doesn’t mean they don’t exist, and it won’t fix anything.”

Elliot’s voice had remained as quiet and calm as if they’d merely been discussing the weather when he said, “We work through our issues; there’s nothing to fix.”

“Elliot, you asked me if I wanted to have a baby and I said… Nothing. And you didn’t even care!”

Elliot had stared at his untouched coffee for an interminable amount of time, one hand clenching around the mug as he said softly, “I did care.” His voice had cracked on the last word and Astrid had felt a corresponding crack in her chest. He’d cleared his throat and continued, “I did care, but you made your preference clear, and I will respect your wishes.”

“But we didn’t even discuss it.”

“Are we not discussing it now?”

Astrid’s hands had clenched into fists, and she’d pressed them to her eyes, struggling to find the words to say to just make Elliot understand.

“Why is this so hard? Why is it so hard to just _talk_ to each other?”

Elliot had raked a hand through his hair, but he hadn’t disagreed with her.

“Maybe there’s a reason we never fight,” she’d muttered into her hands.

“Maybe we are simply perfect for each other,” he’d said, but the breath of a laugh that followed failed to ease the tension between them.

“Maybe we just don’t care enough.” The words had even tasted bitter on her tongue.

Elliot had scowled down at the table then, before pushing his chair away, “This is ridiculous.”

“What?” She’d watched him dump his now cold coffee into the sink and turn to leave with disbelief.

“I don’t wish to discuss this any further, what other couples do with their relationships hardly has any bearing on our marriage.” He’d withdrawn again, returning to that calm, unconcerned tone of voice that Astrid was beginning to hate because it just made her sound like an unreasonable child.

“We need to talk about this! Even if you truly believe nothing is wrong, you can’t just dismiss _my_ concerns. Elliot!”

For just a moment, he’d paused in his steps, then, as if he’d only imagined her voice calling his name, Elliot had walked away from her.

 

Her clothing was soaked through, water running in rivulets through her hair, when Astrid finally took notice of her surroundings. The sound of waves crashing violently against the beach drew her gaze out to the sea, and far across the storm-tossed water a darker mass of clouds approached the valley. For a brief second, in the back of her mind, Astrid wished she’d remembered to get a couple of lightning rods put up while she had the chance. And then her eyes were drawn to the side where a figure stood at the end of the pier, watching the body of the storm come in.

Because of course he was there, the fucking edgelord. Astrid shocked herself with a quiet laugh.

Then the little voice in the back of her head that did it’s best to make Astrid behave like an actual adult told her she should just turn around and go find somewhere else to mope, but Astrid was sick of doing things just because she thought she was supposed to. And she was just so tired. Tired of feeling the way she’d been feeling for nearly a year. Somehow just being with Sebastian was enough to make all the awful emotions go away. Was that really so wrong?

Astrid could barely hear the sound of her footsteps against the wet boards through the sounds of the heavy falling rain, but as she approached him Sebastian turned, a small look of surprise.

“Astrid?”

She slowed, coming to a stop just before him, “Hey.”

“Hey,” he cleared his throat, “I’m surprised to find you out here in the rain.” The way he said it was almost a question, not sure what to expect from her appearance. Fair enough, she wasn’t quite sure, either.

A flash across the sky and a distant rumbling drew both of their attention back to the horizon before Astrid could come up with some kind of response.

“Look at those dark clouds… I hope they come this way.” Astrid watched him from the corner of her eye as Sebastian shoved his hands in his pockets, “I like this weather because it makes everyone disappear… you know?” He turned slightly to face her, holding himself cautiously, “Being around people makes me feel anxious.”

Astrid recalled the first time she’d found him out on the docks, how uncomfortable interactions with each other had been back then. “Sebastian…”

“I don’t feel that way around you, though.”

Her heart somersaulted in her chest, and she felt heat rising to her cheeks. It wasn’t a profession of undying love, and it wasn’t flowery words and unkeepable promises; it was simple and sincere, and it meant so much more.

Before she could sort out her thoughts and her words, Sebastian seemed to shake himself out of his own thoughts. With a small smile at the water dripping from the two of them he said, “We’re getting soaked.” He leaned down to pick up something at his feet before popping open a red and white umbrella, “Here…”

Astrid took a couple of steps towards him, heart beating a nervous tattoo against her ribs, and then a few more steps until she could feel the heat from his shoulder against hers. For a moment they just watched the oncoming storm together.

“Hey, Sebastian. I’m sorry I’ve been kind of… avoiding you lately. I just, I don’t want you to think it was your fault or anything. I’ve had some stuff to sort out. I’m still sorting some things out.” Astrid bit her lip, sneaking a look at Sebastian to gauge his reaction.

A pained expression stretched across his features, replaced quickly with a look of determination as he shook his head and, taking a deep breath, turned to face Astrid, “Listen, I know you said we didn’t have to talk about it, and that it didn’t mean anything, but… well, it did to me. So there it is.”

Astrid swallowed, and heard the words tumbling from her mouth before she could think things through, “I know,” it was barely a whisper, “It meant something to me, too.”

Sebastian’s eyes shot up to meet hers, wide with shock. Neither of them seemed to be able to look away or say anything else. And then Sebastian’s free hand reached up slowly to push back a strand of wet hair, tracing it behind her ear, and running the tips of his fingers through until his palm was curled around the nape of her neck.

A jolt arched through her lips as his mouth pressed carefully against hers. There was nothing but static in her head and the feeling of Sebastian’s body so close to hers. Her lungs began to ache and then, just as she realized she’d been forgetting to breath, he pulled away with a sigh.

For a moment all Astrid could do was catch her breath, taking in the red spreading across Sebastian’s cheeks and the slightly stunned expression that she suspected was mirrored on her own face. And then she rose up on her toes and pulled his face down to meet hers again.

Astrid vaguely recognized the sound of an umbrella hitting the dock and then Sebastian’s arms were wrapping around her, lean body pressed along hers from thighs to mouth, and it felt like bubbles were running through her veins.

She was only aware of the taste and touch and sound of the man holding her tight until a crack of thunder broke them apart. The storm was nearly on top of them now, sheets of lightning filling the sky. Sebastian released a breathy laughed, towing Astrid toward the beach, “We should probably get out of here.”

The trees at the edge of the beach were swaying as the wind picked up and another flash of lightning arched across the sky directly above, sending them running for the little cabin. Astrid pushed open the unlocked door, stumbling over the small ledge. When Sebastian reached out to steady her, she spun and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him inside with her. He kicked the door shut behind him and then backed her up against the nearest wall, a quiet groan escaping him as Astrid bit gently at his lower lip.

Sebastian ground his hips against hers in return, and it was a lucky thing he was holding her against the wall because her knees were trembling. He pulled back, leaving only a few inches between their faces and glanced around at where they’d wound up before gasping between breaths, “This is so fucked up.”

“I know. Do you want to stop?”

“Fuck no.”

Rain water still ran down their faces, the taste of it mingling in their mouths. Astrid ran her tongue across Sebastian’s kiss-swollen lips, soothing the place where she’d bit him. She shivered, feeling her nipples peak as his fingers trailed down her sides then back up again, lifting the hem of her shirt and dragging his nails across her sensitized skin. Astrid grabbed at the damp fabric, pulling it off and letting it drop to the floorboards beside them with a wet slap

It was her turn to moan as one of Sebastian’s beautiful, clever hands came up to cup her breast, stroking it through the fabric of her bra as his mouth made its way along her jaw, her throat. His thumb ran across one budding nipple and a wet heat began to pool in Astrid’s belly.

“Sweater, off,” she demanded, making him laugh again. The laughter cut off abruptly however, when he’d pulled his hoodie over his head, only to find her bra had joined the growing pile of clothing at their feet.

The rough texture of his damp t-shirt rubbing against her chest was a beautiful friction when he pulled her in for another kiss, but it wasn’t quite what Astrid wanted, what her body was searching for. She pulled his shirt off for him and leaned back against the wall again, dragging him over her. Sebastian swallowed, eyes roving over her bared skin, and Astrid couldn’t resist the urge to reach up and lightly scrape her teeth along his throat where the Adam’s apple bobbed. Sebastian’s hips jerked forward and he melted against her.

Astrid slid herself against his body, which was just supported by one forearm against the wall beside her head, and Sebastian obliged her by tangling one leg between hers so she could rock against him as he took her mouth with his again. Astrid was panting and so wet it was a good thing their clothing was already soaked through. That was when Sebastian slipped his hand inside her pants.

“Oh, fuck,” she whispered, slamming her head back and squeezing her eyes shut. All of her being was focused on the finger that was now stroking tiny, teasing circles over the bundle of nerves between her legs. She clutched at his shoulders, jerking against his palm as he ran his fingers across the length of her. He breathed a huff of laughter against her throat and Astrid thought for a moment that the sensation of his breath on her skin might almost be enough to make her cum immediately.

Her hands trembled as she reached for the button at the top of his jeans, but he grabbed them, pinning her wrists to the wall and asked with a rough voice, “Are you sure?”

The very thought that Sebastian would stop touching her right now made her chest ache. “Don’t you dare stop,” she begged.

His hands released hers immediately, reaching to finish removing his pants. Astrid pushed her own down over her hips, struggling to kick free of the heavy, wet denim. Seeing Sebastian was having similar struggle, she couldn’t keep back a giggle. His head jerked up, flashing her a sheepish grin that quickly turned more intense.

She grasped his hips, pulling him to meet her, the feeling of him hot and hard pressing into her belly making her moan again. She stroked him, wrapping her hand around him so she could run her thumb over the sensitive head of his cock, re-enacting the memory of a dream, before raising herself up to reach his mouth again.

One long-fingered hand lifted her leg, wrapping it around him, while the other tangled itself in her hair. She moved herself against the length of him, hearing his breath stutter, making herself half-crazy until he lined himself up and finally, finally thrust himself into her.

He clung to Astrid like he was afraid she’d be blown away with the storm raging outside, lifting her so she could wind both legs around him, and tilting her hips at just the right angle to make her gasp his name with each thrust. Astrid arched her back as the pressure began to build inside her, and Sebastian took the opportunity to close his hot mouth over her breast, suckling at the nipple.

“Oh please, more, please,” she breathed, not even knowing what she was asking for. She keened when Sebastian released her breast, throwing his head back and muttering a stream of words she was too lost in herself to hear.

He kissed her again then, pounding into her with a jerky, shuddering rhythm, and reached down between them to roughly stroke his thumb over her clit. Astrid cried out, the tight coil of ecstatic pressure releasing inside her. For a moment everything was white noise and an intoxicating warmth spreading through her body.

The sound of her name came to her over and over in breathless whispers, lips pressing gently over her forehead, cheek, shoulder, and the rapid rise and fall of Sebastian’s chest still pressed against hers.

Astrid closed her eyes again, letting her head fall back to meet the wall of the cabin, and felt Sebastian’s heart beating against hers.

 


	10. Overcompensating

It was surreal to Astrid that she would feel more self-conscious half-dressed and searching for her bra in front of the man who had undressed her in the first place than when she’d been having sex with him. But knowing how ridiculous it was didn’t stop her from blushing as she snuck looks at Sebastian while he was pulling his t-shirt on inside out. 

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she hadn’t just had sex with Sebastian out of nowhere, she’d had _really great_ sex with Sebastian. Really great sex with Sebastian, in her _husband’s cabin._ The only way it could have been worse was if they’d actually wound up in the bed that still sat in the opposite corner.

Oh god, who even did that? What kind of awful, monster of a person was she? She was married, and whatever problems she might be having with Elliot, that didn’t make it okay for her to go off and sleep with someone else! What if he’d done that to her? How would she feel if she found out that on the night Elliot told her he’d stayed at his cabin ( _the one she’d just had sex with Sebastian in_ ) that he’d been with Leah?

She could still feel Sebastian’s mouth against hers, his hands on her, _in her_ , like he’d left an indelible mark so she couldn’t pretend nothing had changed. Astrid started to feel like she couldn’t get enough oxygen, very aware of the fact that she wasn’t alone in the room. She couldn’t lose it in front of Sebastian. She turned to say something, anything to distract herself, but she couldn’t think of a single thing to say.

Sebastian looked up at her at the same time, and for a moment they both just stared at each other, disheveled, blushing, and still a little damp from the rain.

“It, uh, sounds like the storm has passed.”

She listened for a moment, and though the light sound of rain falling on the cabin roof was still present, the whiplash winds and cracking thunder had come to an end at some point.

“Oh, yeah,” she laughed, and it came out a little too sharply, a bad mimicry of the real thing, so she stopped.

Sebastian looked away, giving her a moment to finish dressing while he inspected the one room cabin a little more thoroughly than he’d had the chance to when they’d first taken refuge there. “I’ve never been in here before,” he said, eyes lingering on the old upright piano against the far wall. Astrid remembered asking Elliot why he didn’t want to bring it with him when he moved in and he’d told her he didn’t need it anymore, he had her.

“So,” Sebastian hesitated, swallowing, “what now?”

Astrid froze. What now? She hadn’t exactly thought that far, hadn’t expected to wind up in this situation when she’d left the house, only a couple hours ago. It felt like that couldn’t be real, like nothing outside of this cabin were real. Astrid took a deep, shuddering breath, “I don’t know.”

It didn’t seem like enough of an answer, for either of them, but she couldn’t make any more words come out, all she could do was try to keep breathing.

And Sebastian must have seen it in her eyes, because he took two slow steps towards her and lifted his hands to frame her face, “Hey, it’s okay. Everything will be okay. Just, don’t disappear on me again, farmer.”

The panic that had been building in her began to ebb, and she saw, despite his calm tone, a nervous look he was trying to hold back. Maybe he was just as unsure about what happened next as she was.

Astrid nodded, giving him a real smile, “I won’t, I promise.”

Sebastian leaned forward, pressing his forehead to hers, “We should probably get out of _here_ , though, huh?”

Oh god, yes. “I should maybe go first,” she said, “just in case.”

“Right, it’s probably a lot less weird for someone to see you leaving this place than me.”

Despite everything, she couldn’t help but smirk at him, “Also, your shirt is inside out, you should probably fix that.”

He flushed red across his cheeks, but when Astrid moved towards the door, he pulled her back to him, stealing one last kiss from her before they separated.

 

Astrid only made it as far as the cobblestone bridge before she realized she couldn’t go home. Couldn’t walk into the house where Elliot was and pretend nothing had happened, never mind that she had stormed out earlier after yelling at him.

She sighed, wrapping her arms tight around herself. Sadly, this was only one of many times recently when Astrid had found herself wanting to avoid going home, but the rain was still coming down and most of her usual options were outdoors. Maybe she could see what Abigail was doing?

No. Abby didn’t know about any of the stuff going on with her and Sebastian, and she didn’t think she could put in enough effort to pretend nothing was on her mind. Astrid couldn’t risk Abby asking her questions; she’d probably tell her everything.

Even as she was trying to think of some other way to spend the rest of her day, her stomach gurgled at her, and Astrid realized she hadn’t eaten yet. She hadn’t even realized how hungry she was until now. Maybe she’d stop in at the saloon and get some lunch. That was a perfectly normal thing to do. She could worry about everything else after.

It was a relief to have a course of action, something to focus on that wasn’t _complicated_ , and even more of a relief to push open the door and step out of the rain into the warm, dry saloon. She placed her order and then took a seat in one of the booths against the wall.

The distant sound of Gus making up her meal faded into the background as her mind started to wander again. She couldn’t help replaying what had just happened in her mind, feeling herself grow warm as if she were experiencing the whole thing over again. Astrid shifted in her seat, feeling a slight throb between her legs, a mere memory of the sensation of Sebastian inside of her. It was almost enough to drive away the guilt and make her wish they’d stayed a little longer in that cabin.

Astrid was so lost in her own thoughts, she jumped when Gus placed a large plate heaping with fresh spaghetti and a basket full of warm, crusty bread in front of her. She hardly felt like she’d been sitting there five minutes, but the heat of the nearby fire had already started to dry her hair.

He left Astrid to her meal in peace, but despite how hungry she was, Astrid took her time, trying to stretch out the hour as long as she could. How long could she sit in the saloon without drawing attention to herself? She should start carrying around a book with her if she was going to keep avoiding her home and her husband, at least then it would look like she was just enjoying some personal time or something.

Astrid slowly made her way through the plate of food that, honestly, probably could have fed three people and when she couldn’t waste anymore time doing that, she took her plates back to the counter and asked for some change for the arcade games.

Unfortunately, she quickly realised that she didn’t have the focus for games. Normally, that focus was what Astrid looked for in a game, to keep her from descending into the vicious cycle of repeating thoughts and worries that plagued her whenever she couldn’t immediately solve a problem. The turmoil of thoughts in her head swung back and forth between guilt and elation, shame and joy, loneliness and longing. She could barely keep track of what she was feeling at any given moment, never mind the pixilated figure on the screen in front of her. Astrid popped coin after coin into the machine and just as quickly, she’d run through her little avatar’s lives.

Eventually the sound of more people filled the saloon and, having been staring blindly at the game screen for who knew how long, it occurred to Astrid that the best way to take care of both of her problems (a reason not to go home and a brain that wouldn’t shut up) was to get absolutely plastered.

Astrid had always been goal-oriented so she was feeling relatively calm as she returned to the bar, and when she caught sight of Shane in his usual spot by the fireplace she made her way over to him.

“What do you want?” He said, eyeing Astrid suspiciously as she appeared beside him. For some reason ‘suspicious’ seemed to be his default whenever Astrid approached him.

“What I want, is to buy you a beer, assuming you let me stand here and drink with you, with a minimum if snark.” Yes, this was what she needed, someone to stand next to and drink with who honestly would not give a shit if she were being happy or not.

If anything, Shane looked more confused by this proposal than when she tried to be nice to him, but when she asked Emily to bring them a couple of pints, he relaxed enough to actually smile at her, “Wow, thanks, Astrid.”

As soon as Emily handed her the drinks, Astrid tipped back her glass. It was more than half empty when she stopped to take a breath and noticed Shane staring at her.

“I don’t think I’ve had more than a couple drinks the whole time I’ve lived here,” she said, examining the remainder of the amber coloured liquid in her glass, “I guess I’ll have to make up for lost time.” She caught Emily’s eye and motioned for another round.

Still looking a little shell shocked, Shane just shook his head and raised his glass before finishing off his own drink.

Astrid quickly lost track of both the number of hours she’d spent in the saloon and the number of drinks she’d had but was pleased with herself for more or less managing to accomplish what she’d set out to do. No pesky emotions or uncomfortable thoughts plagued her, and when something did rear up in the forefront of her mind, well that’s how she knew it was time for the next drink.

At some point in the evening, however, she suddenly became aware of two things: 1) she had been talking at Shane about her goddamn chickens for ages, and 2) Shane had barely said a word all night. Instead, he had been giving her more of his suspicious looks.

Mostly she caught him doing it just after she’d looked away for a moment, and at first she just assumed it was his usual confusion when dealing with her. She _had_ told him he couldn’t be snarky at her, so probably this was just how he was coping. But a few drinks in, a thought crept its way into the back of her mind that she couldn’t seem to push away, instead growing louder and louder, whispering to her: _what if he knows?_

Abruptly, Astrid cut off her stream of consciousness babbling as the thought took hold in her head. Could Shane tell, somehow, what she’d done? Oh god, could everyone in the saloon tell? She glanced carefully over her shoulder at the other patrons at the bar. There weren’t too many people in on a Thursday night, but it was such a small town, if anyone had realized then the whole town – including Elliot – would know by tomorrow afternoon.

Astrid’s glass was empty but her throat had gone dry. She swallowed nervously, her head swimming as she tried to sort through this new panic and the immediate resurgence of everything she’d spent the evening trying to drown out.

No, there was no way Shane knew what she’d done. No one had been on the beach during the storm except her and Sebastian. No, but what if she’d said something, done something that made him suspect? That would be enough to ruin everything even more than she’d already managed to fuck things up. Astrid tried to concentrate, thinking back on her behaviour. She didn’t think she’d done anything to give herself away, but she’d been so, so stupid to sit here and get drunk like this. If anything, she’d been lucky so far. She hadn’t been acting _wrong_ exactly, but she hadn’t been acting like herself. Not for a long time now. That in itself could be enough to make the tightknit community gossip about why.

Astrid put her empty glass down abruptly, wincing as it landed a little too loudly. She had to get a hold of herself, and start pretending everything was normal as usual.

“Oh wow, I have to get home. I wake up very early. Elliot is probably expecting me.” Astrid spun around, searching for her bag.

“Oh, yeah. Me too, I guess. Do you want me to walk you? You’ve kinda had a few…”

Pulling out her wallet, Astrid dumped a handful of cash on the counter to cover their tab and waved Shane off, “Nope, no. No, I’m totally good. Completely normal. Hardly drunk at all.”

Shane didn’t look like he quite believed her, but he was too busy pulling on his jacket to object as she made her escape, walking maybe a little too fast to fully support her claims.

 

“Oh god, what was I thinking? Everything is awful,” Astrid groaned, leaning against one of the posts in front of the town library.

She was only mostly thinking of the amount she’d had to drink the night before. It had almost been more than she could manage to get through the last half hour with Gunther as he examined the handful of artifacts she’d brought to him for donation.

Now that she was outside again, the cool spring air was starting to help with the pounding behind her eyes. For a moment she just stood there, rubbing her hands over her face and trying not to think about anything.

“Astrid?”

Never mind. The hangover was the least of her problems.

“Elliot?” She answered meekly, slowly lowering her hands.

Her husband stood a few feet away, as if he’d been about the enter the library when he noticed her standing in the shaded alcove but hadn’t dared come closer. He cleared his throat, eyes darting between her and the ground, and all Astrid could do was wait to see what he had to say, terrified that he might have somehow found out about her and Sebastian.

“I – do you have a moment? There is something I wished to speak with you about.”

Her entire body tensing, Astrid simply nodded. He didn’t seem to be upset, or rather, he didn’t seem to be upset with her, but she didn’t know what to make of the somewhat distressed expression on Elliot’s face, or the insecure body language he presented as he moved closer to her.

He cleared his throat again, a quiet sound he made whenever he was trying to collect himself, “Firstly, I believe I owe you an apology. More importantly, if you’ve been made to feel as though I don’t respect your feelings, then it is also long overdue.”

“What?” _What?_ Yesterday, Elliot had been so adamant and unwilling to listen to her. Where was this coming from? Why _now?_

Elliot’s cheeks reddened and he lifted his gaze to meet her eyes, “I was upset yesterday, that you seemed to be looking for problems in our marriage that weren’t there. Then, after I so rudely left you in the middle of our discussion, I found myself giving the matter a lot of thought and realized I was more upset with myself for not realizing that you had been unhappy.”

Elliot reached out and took both of her hands in his, “I truly hope you will accept my apology, and allow me to make amends.”

A thousand things where running through her mind as she struggled to find a response. What the hell was she supposed to do with this apology _now?_ Why couldn’t Elliot have realized these things yesterday? Did it even really change anything? Maybe it changed everything. Astrid didn’t know, she hadn’t been prepared to make a decision right this moment, but what else could she say to him that wouldn’t be a lie?

_I don’t want your apologies anymore._

_I had sex with Sebastian._

_I want to break up._

Did she?

Astrid looked back at Elliot, everything in her crying for her to just get it over with, to finally just be honest with her husband.

The words were barely a whisper as she said, “Of course.”

Elliot beamed at her, relief evident in his face, “Wonderful. Then to begin, I hope you will do me the honor of being my partner at the upcoming Flower Dance?” He didn’t seem to need an answer, just smiled beatifically down at her.

“Well, I’ll let you get back to your day’s work. I would offer to make dinner tonight but I believe you’ll be out for your usual Friday night with your friends?”

“Oh, right.” Oh god, what was she doing? She couldn’t not go now, Elliot my wonder why if she suddenly changed her plans.

Elliot leaned down and pressed a chaste kiss to her cheek before wishing her a good afternoon and disappearing into the library.

Astrid turned and dropped her head against the wooden post with a groan.

Everything was awful.

 

It was its own special sort of hell, sitting in the saloon that night. The massive hangover she’d woken up with was mostly gone but Astrid was playing it safe and avoiding more alcohol for the night. Or at least she was trying. Sebastian and her body were conspiring to make that a difficult endeavor.

Ostensibly, Astrid was seated on the ancient red couch adjacent to the one Abigail had laid claim to, keeping a close eye on the ongoing pool game until it was her turn to switch out with one of the guys. In reality, she was being continually distracted by flashbacks to other things Sebastian’s hands had been very good at and the way she was only just realizing what a blessing tight jeans could be. She hadn’t been able to decide yet if Sebastian had always taken that much time to line up a shot or if he was determined to drive her crazy.

When Astrid remembered where she was and jerked her eyes elsewhere, she caught sight of Sam across the table watching her and looking distinctly uncomfortable.

Cheeks burning, she poured all her attention onto Abigail’s current complaint about her parents, wondering if she should hide in the bathroom until the blush went away.

“Why can’t they just understand that we’re not little kids anymore, you know?”

“Huh? Oh, right.” Shit, she’d missed something. Stupid hipster jeans.

“I mean, nobody makes _you_ wear the stupid dress, but because I had the misfortune of being born here, my parents will probably be trying to force me to go to the Flower Dance until I’m old and grey!”

Suddenly recalling Elliot’s request to be her dance partner, Astrid felt all the blood rush out of her face, and for a moment she wondered if it was possible to die if her blood kept moving to different parts of her body with no warning like that. Then she was a little more worried by the dawning realisation that she had agreed to go with Elliot to the Flower Dance, where the whole town would be watching them dance together, including Sebastian.

“Aw, come on! I had you!”

A soft chuckle made Astrid’s heart turn over as she looked to see Sebastian smiling over Sam’s defeat. “You tell yourself that, man.”

Astrid got up to take Sam’s pool cue from him, trying not to meet the blonde’s eyes. She thought she heard him mutter something about needing a drink after such utter destruction but was completely focused on Sebastian leaning past her to collect a couple of stray billiard balls, his arm lightly brushing her breasts as he did.

Flustered, Astrid quickly looked to see if Abigail had noticed only to find the purple-haired girl had grown bored watching the game and was fishing coins out of her pocket for the arcade machines. A loud crack drew her attention back to the game, a dozen colourful balls rebounding around the pool table as Sebastian moved around the corner to stand closer than necessary to her.

“Your turn,” he said, a small smile hidden in the corner of his mouth. It was all she could do not to reach up and kiss the spot.

She tried to move around to the other side of the table for a better angle, but Sebastian wasn’t willing to let her go so easily. He didn’t move out of the way as she tried to go by him so she had to slide between him and the edge of the table, her body very aware of every place they touched as she did.

To be fair, she could have walked around the other side of the table, but Astrid also didn’t have to press herself back against him to hear his breath catch, but she did that too. There was a strange excitement in flirting with Sebastian in that way, with the chance Abigail could turn around at the wrong moment, or Sam could return from the bar.

Remembering the way Sam had caught her staring at Sebastian, she looked for him at the bar. He appeared to be still waiting for his drink and, to her surprise, seemed to have struck up a stilted conversation with a surly-looking Shane while he waited.

“Farmer?”

Astrid shook off her shock as Sebastian turned to see what had grabbed her attention. He looked back to her, a mischievous glint in his eyes as he also glanced over to where Abby was yelling her frustration at the arcade version of ‘Journey of the Prairie King’.

“Hey, have you ever checked out that back room?”

“Why would I –” She cut herself off as a grin grew across Sebastian’s face. He put down his cue and started slowly backing towards the hallway leading to the storage room.

Oh, this was going to be such a bad idea.

Somehow, Abigail didn’t notice them slipping past her, or if she did, Astrid supposed she had no reason to suspect anything. No sooner had the two turned out of sight, though, than Astrid was pushing Sebastian behind some stacked barrels.

“You’re such an asshole,” she breathed, pressing her mouth to his to muffle his laughter.

Deciding she needed to repay Sebastian for how maddening he had been, she reached around to grope the ass she’d been staring at all night, pulling their bodies flush with each other.

She could feel the hard line of his erection pressing into her hip, Sebastian groaning into her mouth. His hands landed on her hips, gripping her tightly against him, looking for just the right amount of pressure.

With a sigh, Astrid ran her hands up his chest, wrapping them behind his neck and twining her fingers in his hair. His breath mingled with hers, tasting of bittersweet coffee and the faintest hint of menthol.

Pulse racing in her ears, she felt nimble hands sliding under her shirt, running along the waist of her jeans suggestively.

Just as Astrid was becoming so swept up the in moment she had been barely aware of their surroundings, Sam’s voice broke through the heady fog, “Uh, hey guys are you back there?”

In less than a heartbeat, Astrid and Sebastian sprang apart.

“Guys?”

From the weight in Sam’s tone, he clearly had his suspicions about what they’d been doing. Astrid looked Sebastian up and down, glassy eyed, red-lipped, and breathing heavily. Knowing she looked just the same, Sam would know without a doubt as soon as he saw them, and they couldn’t keep hiding in the back room now.

Astrid’s hands rose to cover her mouth in shock as she realized how close they’d gotten to more than just making out, how easily they could have been caught in public.

Sebastian anxiously ran his hands through his hair, flattening it down.

“I’ll make something up, if you want to sneak out,” he whispered, stepping away.

It took far longer than it should have for her breathing to calm down as she listened to Sebastian drawing Sam away from the back room.

“Where’s Astrid?” Sam’s voice was cautious but pointed.

“I don’t know, man, she went to the bathroom or something.”

A tense pause had Astrid holding her breath until, “What the hell were you doing back there?”

“Oh, I just wanted to see if Gus kept any of the good liquor back there. Guess he’s too smart for that.”

When their voices became muted enough to no longer be standing near the entrance to her hiding place, Astrid slipped out and headed straight for the door, not daring to look back until she had stepped out into the cool night air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to thank everybody who's liked and commented so much! That scene in Elliot's cabin last chapter was literally the random brain worm that inspired this whole fic and I'm glad everybody liked it as much as I did, haha. I hope you all enjoy the rest of the story just as much.


	11. No Matter What You Do

The sound of a throat clearing itself drew Astrid’s attention away from the crop of strawberries she’d been inspecting.

Well, if she was being honest, her mind had been on other things. Things that were thrilling and terrifying and distracting her entirely from whether or not she’d get a few more ripe berries before she had to replant for the summer. So when she snapped out of her current daydream and glanced up to find her husband standing over her, Astrid felt her heart drop and heat rush to her face.

Hopefully Elliot would just think she’d been out in the sun too much.

“Good afternoon, my star,” he beamed once he’d gotten her attention, “I have a surprise for you! Well, for both of us.”

“A- a surprise? What is it?” Astrid could barely speak. The light, effervescent feeling that had been budding in her chest all morning suddenly turned to lead. When she was alone, remembering the sweet, stolen moments she’d spent with Sebastian, it was too easy to forget that she wasn’t really experiencing the all-consuming excitement of a new relationship. Every time she had to catch herself, reminded herself that what she’d actually begun was a much more cruel, complicated thing. For the last couple of days, if she wasn’t finding herself distracted by thoughts of cornering Sebastian in his room, or at the lake by his house, she was drowning in guilt for wanting those things.

The enthusiasm on Elliot’s face was beginning to dull, and Astrid realized the expression of wary apprehension she wore was probably not what he’d expected when surprising a loved one.

“I mean, I didn’t get you anything…” she added, lamely.

It seemed to be enough because Elliot crouched down beside Astrid, taking her hands in his with a smile, “Ah, well not to worry! As I mentioned yesterday, I intend to make amends for any neglect you may have been feeling of late. Will you accompany me somewhere?”

For a moment, Astrid was a little stunned. She let Elliot pull her to her feet before noticing a large wicker basket sat just behind him. Honestly, though he’d never lied to her before, when Elliot had made his promises in front of the library Astrid hadn’t thought he’d been intending… whatever _this_ was. Usually, Elliot showed his affections in much subtler ways.

And where the hell did he find a wicker basket?

She wanted to refuse, but how could she? She found herself nodding silently, mirroring the smile on her husband’s face when she caught his eyes.

Elliot refused to say what he had planned, merely looped her arm around his and picked up the mysterious wicker basket awaiting them. He led her south towards the woods, at peace as they walked in silence, listening to the birdsong that surrounded them in the quiet spring afternoon.

Astrid was barely aware of the usually beautiful surroundings, tension coiling in her body with each step. They passed Marnie’s ranch where she saw Shane’s goddaughter out playing, but no sign of Astrid’s surly friend. She glanced around as carefully as she could, furtively searching for him without drawing Elliot’s attention until she realized that she was, for some reason, behaving exactly like a teenager who’d snuck out for a date her parents wouldn’t approve of. As they turned onto the road leading into town, Astrid began taking slow, deep breaths. There was no reason for her to be anxious; if she drew attention to the turmoil she was feeling, Elliot would only be concerned, would ask what was wrong.

She had to compartmentalize. Why did that seem so easy on the other side of things, but not when she was with Elliot? There was nothing wrong with walking through town with her husband. The only people who knew about what had happened between her and Sebastian were _her_ and _Sebastian_ (and possibly Sam, but Astrid really couldn’t deal with that thought at the moment).

But that was the problem. Astrid knew, she knew that the delicious, heady thoughts that had held her attention all morning were wrong, but everything that had happened seemed so separate and disconnected from her actual life that it didn’t feel real. With Sebastian it was so hard to remember her other life existed without him. But with Elliot, it was so hard to forget.

Astrid released a quiet sigh, head so full that she hadn’t really been paying attention to where they’d been walking – although if she’d given it half a thought, really it was obvious – so when Elliot turned them towards the little bridge leading to the beach with a grin, she imagined she looked truly surprised by their destination.

As the hardpacked earth turned to sand beneath her feet and Astrid caught sight of Elliot’s cabin nestled at the edge of the treeline, a flood of inconvenient memories washed over her. Her footsteps slowed, nearly coming to a complete stop before Elliot turned to wave his basket-ed arm towards the beach.

“And here we are! I awoke early and prepared a picnic lunch of some of our favourites for us to enjoy on the beach.”

“Oh, Elliot–” He pulled her arm, drawing her onwards to the shore, mercifully unaware of the reason for his wife’s shock.

“It is a tad early in the season yet to be eating out of doors perhaps, would you prefer to have out lunch in my cab–”

“No!” Astrid squeaked, “No, the uh, the cool air will be nice, after working all morning.”

Elliot seemed pleased, moving ahead of her to lay out a small blanket that had appeared out of the basket. Astrid followed slowly after him, doing her best not to look back at the cabin. Oh god, she felt lightheaded. Was she going to pass out? No, she couldn’t do that. Compartmentalize.

Easier said than done with the memory of a quiet groan against her ear, the sensation of breath against her wet skin.

Astrid bit her lip, turning towards the sea so that the breeze could cool her skin.

“My dear?”

Startled, she turned to find that Elliot had unpacked everything already and was holding two wine glasses, “A special occasion.”

Mechanically, she reached out to take one and took a sip, hiding a grimace. She’d never developed a taste for wine, but Elliot preferred it and insisted she just hadn’t been drinking the right wine.

Elliot unpacked several wrapped containers, offering her a few of the last crop of strawberries she’d picked and helping himself to some salad with bright red slices of radish mixed in. For a while they didn’t speak, simply enjoyed the food he’d packed and listened to the gulls and the sound of the surf. If Elliot noticed that she hadn’t touched the rest of the wine he’d brought, he didn’t seem to mind.

In the earliest days of their relationship, when it was barely a relationship at all, she’d come to the beach at first to search the shore for clams and mussels, and then more to visit the sweet, intelligent man who was so often watching the horizon. Astrid examined her husband out the corner of her eye, seeing the same expression she remembered from those days as he watched the seagulls circling in the sky above the water. He’d always seemed so much more at home in nature like this, at first it had been difficult to even picture Elliot coming to live on the farm with her.

A small huff of laughter escaped her, spoiling her quiet examination of the man in question when he turned, eyebrow raised at the sound.

“I was just remembering – you remember, that time I came to visit you – and you’d seemed so distracted I thought you’d finally gotten sick of me coming to bother you – and then all of a sudden you pull this tiny crab out of your shirt pocket!”

Elliot chuckled and stretched out in the sand, “Ah yes, I was quite embarrassed, you know. I must have seemed especially inept to someone as independent as you. I recall, you were endearingly appalled when I confessed to having watered my poor plants with seawater.”

Astrid couldn’t help but laugh. Oh yes, she could distinctly remember how horrified she’d been, especially when he’d offered to help with the watering when they’d gotten married.

She took in the crinkling eyes, the long auburn hair being blown all about, and the warm deep laughter and all she could think that this was still the exact same person she had married.

No, Elliot hadn’t changed at all, so why had she?

“I could never tire of your company, my dear. Even before I knew I loved you, I looked forward to our conversations.”

Astrid’s chest tightened at the heartfelt words, and instead of the pleasure she’d thought she would feel there was only a sadness.

“Have you finished with your meal? I have one more surprise for you, a perfect end to our wonderful day.”

“Oh, Elliot, no. You really don’t have to do all this.”

“Nonsense,” he told her, hastily packing away the remains of their lunch, “This is the part I’ve been looking forward to all day.”

He left the basket and blanket spread out on the beach and pulled Astrid to her feet, placing her in front of him and covering her eyes with his hands. She couldn’t help gripping his wrists as he directed her to walk towards the docks. Elliot wasn’t the type, but if anyone else had made her walk blindly towards the ocean, she’d assume they were intending to push her in.

He slowly guided her toward Willy’s shop and Astrid truly hoped he hadn’t planned for them to spend the evening fishing together. Despite his friend’s espousal of the relaxing benefits, she found it nothing but stressful whenever she failed to catch a fish. By now she’d given up entirely; fishing just wasn’t for everyone.

But when Elliot finally dropped his hands from her eyes, it was to reveal the little rowboat that was usually beached beside his cabin, the one he’d fixed up and take her out on, stumbling and stammering until he’d finally kissed her for the first time.

Her husband stepped down into the rowboat and held his hand out for her, “Would you do me the honour, Astrid?”

Astrid didn’t know what to do with her body, her hands, her eyes. Just like focusing too much on the act of breathing, suddenly just existing beside Elliot was more coordination than she was capable of. She felt like a spectator in her own body as she took his hand and climbed down, sitting carefully as the little boat rocked and bobbed on the waves.

The whole afternoon Elliot had been nothing but sweet and charming and attentive. He’d finally listened and given her everything she’d been craving when she’d expressed her very first doubts to Robin, and it was breaking her heart.

Astrid had no one to blame but herself for that. She’d spent months wishing Elliot would be more present when they were together, to really see her as herself and not just some poetic muse, and now he was making the effort. It should be enough for her now, _he_ should be enough for her. They were married, for fuck’s sake, that was supposed to mean something, wasn’t it? It shouldn’t matter if there was something, _someone_ else she wanted. Elliot was who she had chosen, and how could that change so quickly? Did that mean she’d made a mistake, marrying him? It felt wrong to call what they’d built a mistake. It wasn’t.

Elliot untied the boat and pushed off from the dock, taking the oars in hand. As he took them further and further from the shore, the silence and a strange sort of grief began to press down on Astrid until she thought that if she met Elliot’s eye for even a moment she would start to cry.

She didn’t know if Elliot was sensing the change in her mood, but he began to speak, filling the silence that never normally seemed to bother him, “You know, the premise of my new novel was inspired by some of Pelican Town’s local legends.

“Back when I was still new to town, Willy used to tell me some of the stories and history of the valley. One of the most common tales the sailors used to tell were of mermaids spotted all along the coast here. Interestingly, the prevalence of the mermaid mythology in this area is likely where the custom of buying a mermaid pendant, instead of a ring, for your intended came from.”

Elliot’s words caught Astrid’s attention almost despite herself, giving her a much needed distraction, “What kind of stories?”

“Hm? Oh the usual sort, maidens of the sea who would bless the local waters with fair whether and plentiful fishing if offerings were made to them, or harridan seductresses who preferred to wreak havoc on sailors who displeased them, dragging them down to the depths to be their drowned bridegrooms.”

Astrid leaned over the edge of the boat, letting the stories fill her up as she tried to make out as much as she could through the blue-grey waters, imagining green-skinned bodies slipping through the shadowed sea below them. Elliot’s low-timbred voice was soothing as he recited the tales Willy had told him, rowing all the while until they were far enough from the shore to see the whole town.

“Did you ever see one? All that time you were living on the beach?”

“A mermaid? No, I can’t say that I have. Willy claims he saw one once, though.” Elliot pulled in the oars, letting the rowboat rock and drift with the tide.

“I am so glad we were able to spend the afternoon together, my dear. I know I can become distant when I am caught up in my writing, and when I think back on how you connected with the separated lovers in my story, I can only imagine how distressed you must have been by my frequent absence.” The rowboat was small enough that when Elliot leaned forward on his bench their knees knocked together. He reached across the small space and tucked a strand of windblown air behind Astrid’s ear. “You are my very own lady of the sea, awaiting my return as I journey through the unknown.”

Elliot grasped her hands, pressing a quick kiss to the backs of them, “But you need never fear, my star, I shall always return to you.”

When he kissed her properly, Astrid had much more notice than she did the first time he’d taken her out in the little boat, and yet it was just as surprising. The kiss was light and soft, as if he were afraid she’d break and Astrid found herself wondering if this was how he’d always kissed her. Was that first kiss so careful? It was sweet and tentative, and nothing at all like the fervent, magnetic way she and Sebastian had kissed. It didn’t feel fair to compare the two, but as Elliot broke away, smiling beatifically at her, she found herself trying desperately to recall if he had _ever_ kissed her like that.

 

When Elliot at last pulled the rowboat back ashore, Astrid made a hasty excuse about still having some errands to finish (though nearly everything in town would be closed for the evening by now) and tried not meet his eye at the crestfallen expression that caused.

It would be a lie to say her abandonment of Elliot of the beach wasn’t partly motivated by the fear that he would want to have sex when they got home, an issue she would rather just avoid than have to dance around, but mostly Astrid just needed a chance to think, alone and uninterrupted.

She made her way into the woods, heading south across the wooden plank bridges and through the heavily forested island until she came to the cliff edge rising high above the sea below. Astrid sat, letting her legs hang free over the ledge.

So much had changed, drastically and irrevocably, in so short a time. If she could go back only three days none of this would have ever happened.

But that wasn’t exactly true either, was it?

Three days ago, Astrid hadn’t encountered Sebastian on the docks. She hadn’t kissed him, hadn’t made the decision to sleep with him. But she had wanted him. She’d still been miserable. Even now, when half of the weight bearing down on her was because of him, she found herself longing to see Sebastian, be comforted by him. It should be Elliot’s presence she wanted, not the standoffish boy she’d barely gotten to know a few months ago.

She didn’t even know what to call their relationship anymore. Didn’t really know what Sebastian wanted, other than the obvious. She might have been able to tell herself that what had happened with him had been a mistake, a product of feeling neglected and lonely. But that would be a lie, too. All she knew was it wasn’t right to carry on as they were, and how could she end her marriage for something so unknown?

It was so, so hard to ignore how much it hurt to consider cutting Sebastian out of her life – they couldn’t exactly go back to just being friends – but she was married to Elliot. She still loved him; if she didn’t, it wouldn’t be so painful to think of hurting him like that, would it? She’d never heard of someone ending a marriage because they just weren’t in love enough anymore.

Astrid didn’t know how long she’d been sitting there, going through the same thoughts over and over, but all the light in the sky had finally leached away while she did, and the chill from the earth beneath her was seeping up into her bones. With a sigh and nothing accomplished, Astrid stood up, brushed the dirt from her pants, and began the walk home. Each step was a struggle, knowing that the moment she crossed the threshold of her home she would have to resume the lie she’d dug herself into.

The sound of an owl hooting drew Astrid’s attention toward the lake and to her surprise she saw the flicker of a distant light. Curious, she detoured down the path that would lead to the dock. She approached quietly, thinking it may be someone who, like herself, hadn’t wanted company (or was possibly the strange wizard who lived in the tower) but found a familiar figure lit by a small lantern at his feet.

For a second, the image of Sebastian standing out in the rain was superimposed over what she was seeing and she paused. Apparently, she was making a habit out of encountering men overlooking the water alone. Probably she should just leave him alone, but as she so often was lately, Astrid found she was happy to have any excuse to avoid going home.

“Shane?”

She could tell she’d startled him, but the drinks he’d already finished off slowed him down a bit, and by the time he turned around and saw her, she was already making her way down the dock.

“Up late huh?” Astrid shrugged, coming to a stop beside him. She’d never quite gotten a hold of the early to bed, early to rise thing.

Shane grunted at her non-answer, bending over to grab another can from the cooler at his feet, “Here have a cold one.”

Astrid took the can but didn’t open it right away, flashing back to the other night when she’d been doing her best to drown her guilt in beer at the saloon with him. Even as she was remembering it, she noticed Shane giving her the same strange look she’d been getting off him that night. She wondered if he was waiting for her to say something but couldn’t find any words that were worth the effort it would take to say them. It was nice, though, to be able to just hang out with someone who didn’t really care if she was quiet. Shane probably preferred her that way, honestly.

After a few quiet moments, listening to nothing but the occasional frog or fish disturbing the lake, Shane let out a deep sigh, “Buh… Life.”

That surprised a chuckle out of her, “Yeah.”

“You ever feel like… no matter what you do, you’re going to fail? Like you’re stuck in some miserable abyss and you’re so deep you can’t even see the light of day?”

Astrid could hear the defeat in his voice, the acceptance of someone for whom everyday passed with the same weighted struggle she was only experiencing a degree of. She didn’t think he was looking for pity with his question, and a shameful part of her was glad because at the moment Astrid didn’t know how much further she could stretch herself.

Shane took a long drink from the mostly empty beer he held. “I just feel like no matter how hard I try… I’m not strong enough to climb out of that hole.”

In the only commiseration she could offer him, Astrid quit playing with the pull tab of her drink and finally cracked it open, tipping her head back and downing as much of it as she could before she had to stop to breathe again.

Shane laughed softly when a quiet burp escaped her, “Fast drinker huh? Woman after my own heart. Just don’t make it a habit… you got a future ahead of you still.”

She looked over at that, catching a concerned look from the man who still frequently told her to get lost.

“Listen, I’m probably the last person who should be giving advice, so I won’t. But I can tell you’ve been having a hard time. You haven’t been so annoyingly optimistic lately. Just… don’t wind up in that hole like me.” Shane cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable after his speech.

Astrid kept her eyes on the small ripples spanning the surface of the lake. Her stomach was twisted up with Shane’s words. She hated that he didn’t seem to think very much of himself when he’d been one of the few people who, if reluctantly at first, really seemed to see her. She opened her mouth a couple of times to tell him so, but she could feel the burn of tears behind her eyes and didn’t think he’d be very appreciative if she started crying all over him after only half a beer.

 “Welp, my liver’s beggin’ me to stop," he said abruptly, "Better call it a night. See you around, Astrid.”

She nodded, it was long past time for her to head home, too. “Thanks, Shane, for the not-advice.”

He waved a hand behind him as he stumble home in the dark, Astrid only realizing he’d left her his lantern when he was too far down the path to see anymore.


	12. Love Under A Bad Sign

Astrid had been standing in the aisles at Pierre’s looking at the items on the shelves without really seeing them for far longer than was reasonable. Luckily, the man himself didn’t seem to notice that she was miles away, too busy sorting through the latest delivery of produce she’d just brought him. But the very confusing and stressful past few days had finally caught up with Astrid. Now that she’d accomplished the last of her to-do list for the day, her brain seemed to think it was time to check out.

Astrid had finally convinced herself that the next time she got the chance to talk to him privately, she’d tell Sebastian they couldn’t keep doing… whatever it was they’d started. She’d arrived at the Flower Dance festival with Elliot, as promised, and yet her eyes had immediately searched out Sebastian across the field, a dark figure standing among their friends.  

Leaving Elliot talking to Leah, she’d made her way over to her friends, nauseous at the thought of the warm expression on Sebastian’s face turning cold and distant. Her mind shied away from the prospect of spending the rest of her foreseeable life avoiding him, as distant as they’d been before she’d gotten to know him, but what else could she do? That roiling, sick feeling would be the price she paid and carried with her from then on, like the albatross from one of Elliot’s favourite poems.

And, despite everything she’d spent three days telling herself, as soon as she’d seen that Sebastian had been watching for her, too – had seen his eyes spark and that small, secret smile appear on his face – all of her very logical reasoning had fallen away.

Between Abigail’s usual rage against the festival dresses and Sam’s acceptance of his love of flowers, Astrid had not so subtly let slip that Elliot had been looking forward to the dance all week, and the twist of a smile on Sebastian’s face had vanished. He hadn’t reacted other than that, not enough for anyone else to even notice the change in his mood, but when Astrid tried to catch his eyes, she found them blank and distant.

Abigail, thankfully still unaware of the sharp undertone the day had taken, had merely punched Sebastian in the shoulder and told Astrid to be grateful she at least had a partner who _wanted_ to dance with her. The words had felt like a targeted blade meant to wound them both, but Astrid had made her face into a grimace that she hoped looked like a smile, and tried not to notice how Sam wouldn’t look at her.

She told herself it was fine. Sebastian wouldn’t have wanted to dance with her anyway. Sebastian hated dancing. It was better, in fact, that he avoided her eye and didn’t stand just slightly too close so that he could casually brush his hand against hers. It was better. Easier to pretend.

By the time the younger generation of Stardew Valley had gathered in neat lines for the beginning of the flower dance, though, Astrid had been sure she would rupture if Sebastian didn’t just look at her, at least once. Just to know that he was okay. And she’d thought that wish had been answered when, as the first plunking notes of the dance began to play, she noticed his head turned just slightly to watch her instead of Abigail. But the weight of his eyes didn’t leave her for the whole dance.

Astrid still couldn’t shake the feel of his eyes on her, the shuttered expression Sebastian wore whenever she’d managed to glance his way. She released a long drawn out sigh and dropped her forehead against the shelf she was hiding behind. It was hard to believe that it had only been a week since she’d met Sebastian on the beach in a storm, and irrevocably turned her life upside down.

“Uh, Earth to farmer?”

The various glass bottles on the shelf supporting Astrid’s face rattled when she jumped, startled to find Abigail standing, arms crossed, beside her, “Abby! Where did you come from?”

The purple-haired girl rolled her eyes with a grin, “Well, I guess that answers my question and you obviously didn’t hear a thing I just said.”

“No, I was definitely listening to you tell me about…”

Abigail laughed, “About how you’re clearly overworking yourself and are going to meet me outside the community center tonight.”

Astrid groaned, “Oh, Abby, not tonight. You’re right: I am exhausted. I don’t have the energy to go ghost hunting. I don’t even know if I’m up for the usual saloon night.”

A little smirk curled up the corner of her friend’s smile and Astrid knew she was in trouble when Abigail said, “Not ghost hunting, I swear. We’re just… going on a little adventure.”

Now, she’d never claim to be the brightest crayon in the box, but Astrid new a bad idea when one came bounding up to her in the back of a general store. She stared at the other girl, making her face as serious as possible, and in the most sincere and firm tone of voice she could manage said, “Okay. What time?”

 

Astrid cursed when she tripped over a third branch lying across the path up the mountain, wishing she still had that little glow ring she’d given Sebastian at Spirit’s Eve. Thinking of the ring was enough to flood her head with memories from that night, exploring the maze with Sebastian and telling herself that it didn’t mean anything when he took her hand or she stood too close because they were just friends. Astrid had always been a terrible liar; the only one who ever believed her lies was herself.

“Wow, you’re kind of clumsy, huh?”

Astrid sighed, “It’s been said.”

With a snort, Abigail pressed on, leading Astrid up the trail to wherever they were going. Astrid knew better considering Abby could be taking her anywhere, but she trusted her friend. And, more importantly, she needed to get her mind off of anything that had to do with persons of the male persuasion.

But as much as she trusted Abigail, she was getting nervous the closer they got to the home of one of the persons of whom she was trying not to think.

She kept trying to come up with a way to ask about it that Abby would actually answer. But if she mentioned wanting to avoid Sebastian’s house, then there was no way she wouldn’t also have to explain _why_. If Abigail had somehow found out about Astrid and Sebastian, she hadn’t even hinted at it to Astrid (and if she was being honest, she was pretty sure it was _impossible_ for Abigail not to say something), and besides, she could have only found out from Sam, which didn’t seem likely, so Astrid followed behind the bouncing silhouette and kept her anxiety to herself.

As the lights from the mountain house came into view, Astrid couldn’t help fishing for answers anymore, “We’re not going looking for monsters in the mines, right?”

“How many times do I have to tell you it’s a surprise?” Abigail called over her shoulder, “Don’t worry, no monsters, no ghosts. Besides, you have to be in top condition for monster hunting, which you are definitely not.”

“Hey!”

“I’m just saying, one of us looked about ready to pass out on the bags of fertilizer this afternoon, and it wasn’t me.”

Astrid snapped her mouth shut and reflected on the compromising evidence. She supposed she wouldn’t be doing herself any favours to inform Abby that she wasn’t _exhausted_ , she was just emotionally compromised.

Before she could come up with any response, however, they crested the top of the mountain path and Astrid let out a breath of relief when Abigail veered away from Sebastian’s house and headed further up the mountain path.

“You know,” she called up to her friend, “Before I moved here I would have laughed at anybody who wanted me to voluntarily climb a mountain.

Abigail laughed, “This is hardly climbing a mountain! We’re just going for a walk.”

“There are stairs involved, Abby. Once you bring stairs into the equation, it is at the very least a hike. Walking up a mountain, on purpose.”

“It’ll all be worth it, I promise.” As if to rub Astrid’s face in it, Abigail practically skipped up the set of wooden steps leading even further up the mountain.

When Astrid joined her friend at the top, she was surprised to find Abigail gesturing grandly at the big wood and glass building that sat completely out of place beside the train tracks.

“Ta da! Just what our tired farmer needs: a nice, relaxing swim at the spa.”

“Abby, it’s like 10 o’clock. It’s gotta be closed.”

“Yep! Just us, plenty of privacy.”

Astrid put her hands on her hips, staring at the spa, “Are we – are we breaking in?”

Abigail threw her hands up in the air, “Ugh, why are you worrying about it? You’re supposed to be excited! Also, they never lock the place. We used to come up here all the time at night before the rock fall blocked it up that one year. It’s sort of a tradition.”

That bad feeling she’d had earlier when Abigail invited her to come on this little ‘adventure’ reared its head again, “We?”

Just then she noticed two more silhouettes walking towards them from where they’d been lingering by the tunnel, barely visible except by the faint embers of Sebastian’s cigarette. An uncomfortable silence built up until Sam and Sebastian joined them and Astrid managed to mutter a quiet, “Hey.”

For a minute they were all just standing around in the dark staring at each other until Abigail said, “Okay, this is weird. Are we going swimming, or what?”

And somehow Astrid found herself stripping down to her underwear with Abigail (who had a locker with a swimsuit in it, but _tradition!_ ) and avoiding a cannonball from Sam barely five minutes later.

“Sam! Watch it, you giant toddler!”

Sam laughed, shaking water from his hair, which was somehow _still_ spiky, “Abby, you’re already in the water, what’s a little splash going to hurt?”

Muttering loudly about boys, Abigail pulled Astrid out into the deep end where they could relax and float in peace while Sam tried to convince Sebastian to wrestle.

“See? Aside from my admittedly questionable decision to invite the testosterone league, this is nice, right?”

Astrid let the slight movement of the water rock her and looked up at the star-filled night sky through the glass skylight, and decided to just stop worrying tonight and enjoy it.

“Yeah, you’re right. This is pretty great.”

For a little while, Astrid just closed her eyes and let herself float there, listening to the sound of her friends and only letting herself think about how, even if things were a little more complicated with one of those friends, she could relax knowing she had people in her new home that genuinely cared about her.

At some point, Abigail swam off to join whatever Sam and Sebastian were talking about, and it wasn’t long after that before she heard Sam and Abigail daring each other to go snooping in the lockers. It honestly didn’t sound like either of them needed much convincing. Astrid briefly considered trying to talk them out of it but that sounded like the opposite of relaxing and it would probably be punishment enough when they stumbled on someone’s dirty jockstrap.

Her eyes flicked open when her friends’ echoing voices disappeared into the men’s locker room and a moment later the silent party began wading towards her. Taking a deep breath, Astrid turned and swam until the water only came as high as her ribs, figuring the least she could do was meet him halfway.

“Hey.” His voice was low, cautious, “I’m surprised you came.”

“Well, I was peer-pressured,” Astrid’s laugh came out hollow and muted, and when a pained expression crossed Sebastian’s face and she realized how that had sounded, “No- Not that I didn’t want to see you! I did, I just-”

Despite how much she’d been obsessing over everything, somehow Astrid hadn’t thought about what to say to Sebastian the next time she saw him. She didn’t know what to say, or where to look, or how to stand like a normal person, so she just blurted out the first honest thing to come to mind before something even worse happened. “I- I’m sorry about the Flower Dance. And I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you before now.”

Something in the way he’d been holding himself relaxed, “I thought maybe you were mad about the other night at the saloon,” he cleared his throat, looking off to the side, “And I guess I just never thought about what it’d be like to see _him_ with _you_. Not since…”

It suddenly felt like she’d been holding herself back for days and Astrid couldn’t help reaching up to push back the wet hair falling over Sebastian’s face. Her heart skipped when leaned into her touch, as if he’d been craving the sensation just as much as she had been. And then she felt a wave of a very different sort of feeling as she became very aware of how alone and how undressed they were.

Sebastian glanced down at the same time and cocked his head to the side, eyes gleaming, “Nice bra.”

Caught off guard by the change in direction things were taking, Astrid looked down and, oh god, yes it was the same one she’d been wearing that day on the beach. Trying to ignore the shiver down her spine and the flash of heat in her belly, Astrid looked back up again trying to find something not awkward to say, but Sebastian was still distracted by other things.

His eyes burned a trail over her exposed skin and she felt her cheeks start to burn, which was utterly ridiculous for SO MANY REASONS. It was kind of hard not to feel anything, though, when someone looked at you like that, and Astrid was very aware of her nipples tightening under the sensation of Sebastian’s gaze. Without her noticing, she and Sebastian had gravitated closer to each other while they talked.

“If you keep smirking at me like that, I might have to do something about it,” she whispered.

She could hear laughter and something else in his voice when he said, “You’re not exactly giving me much incentive to stop, then.”

Astrid pushed up against him, rising up to meet his lips before he could finish talking. Almost at once the world around them ceased to exist. Sebastian kissed like he was trying to prove something and it was all she could do to keep up. Any thought of where or who they were vanished; all she could think was _Yes. This._

When the kiss broke, Sebastian pressed his lips to her jaw, her throat, her shoulder, and murmured, “I’ve missed you. You don’t even come by the house anymore.”

She swallowed hard as his hands slid beneath the water to stroke lazily at her hips, “I didn’t think it was a good idea.”

Sebastian raised his head with a frown, hands freezing, “Do you… regret what happened?”

“No!” Astrid took his face in both her hands, making sure he was looking her in the eye, “I just, I regret _how_ it happened.”

“I’m not sorry it did.”

Astrid didn’t know how to answer that. He sounded so sure; how could she explain everything that had been swirling in her mind for so long without sounding crazy?

“Are you going to leave him?” The words were quiet, even in the complicated silence they stood in, and Astrid looked up to find that there was no longer any confidence on Sebastian’s face.

“I-” Astrid could feel her mouth moving, but no sound came out. Had that question been pressing on Sebastian, too? She knew the answer, she thought she knew the answer, why couldn’t she say it?

When she didn’t respond, Sebastian took a step back from her, panic and hurt and anger flashing across his face, “Do you still love him?”

Out the corner of her eye, Astrid saw Sam and Abigail returning from the locker room, but she couldn’t care about that, even with Sebastian’s words ringing in the air. Sam drew up short, eyes wide as he realized what they’d walked in on. Abigail looked back and forth between Astrid and Sebastian in confusion until the words sank in and a dawning look of realization and shock took over. She opened her mouth to say something but Sam grabbed her arm, holding her back.

Astrid had to try to make him understand, “It’s not that simple-”

“But you still love him.” It wasn’t even a question. Sebastian took another step away from Astrid, trying to look anywhere but at her. She reached out to grab his arm and he pulled it away.  

“Sebastian,” she whispered.

 “I gotta go, maybe you should figure it out.”

Astrid felt like she was choking. Her eyes burned as she watched Sebastian climb out of the pool, pushing past Sam to grab his clothes and ignoring Abigail’s incoherent outrage.

“Sebastian! Please.” By the time she made it to the pool’s edge, he was already heading toward the change rooms. Sam gave her a distressed look before following.

“I’m sorry!” she cried, her voice coming out raw and watery, “I never expected any of this to happen! I never expected to fall in love with you and I’m sorry!”

He didn’t turn around, just disappeared down the hall while Astrid tried to breath around the sharp pain buried in her chest. What had she done? She’d broken everything.

She was barely aware of Abigail, still standing to the side of the pool until the purple-haired girl yelled, “What the hell? Am I the only one who didn’t know about-? What was he thinking?!”

Her tirade cut short and she paled as she turned and saw whatever expression was on Astrid’s face, voice suddenly meek, “Oh, god. I-I’m sorry… I didn’t know – this was just supposed to be fun.”

“It’s not your fault, Abby.” It seemed important that she know, “And it’s not his fault either. Sebastian didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the one who fucked up.”

Astrid could feel herself starting to break and she didn’t want anyone there to see it, “I think I should go home now.”

 

Despite what she’d promised Abigail, Astrid didn’t go straight home.

It had been difficult to convince her to leave Astrid to go home by herself – the other girl had wanted Astrid to come home with her so she didn’t have to be alone – but eventually she managed. Not that she would have been alone. That was the problem. Astrid wanted nothing more than to climb into her own bed and cry herself numb with no one to intrude but the gentle warmth of George curled up next to her.

Instead she sat on a bench in the women’s changing room and sobbed violently into her jacket until she could control herself. She didn’t know how long she sat there, packing away the pain with deep gasping breaths, but as soon as she was sure she wouldn’t break down on the way home, Astrid made herself stand up again. Elliot wouldn’t be expecting her home early on a Friday night, but he might notice if she came back too late.

It was nearly summer, but as soon as the night air hit Astrid – with damp hair and still wet underclothes seeping through the dry ones she’d just put on over them – she started shivering. She started back down the steps of the mountain path in the dark, mentally and physically drained, and braced herself for the sight of Sebastian’s house waiting accusingly for her at the start of her path home.

What she hadn’t expected to find, though, was an anxious looking Sebastian marching up the trail towards her. He pulled up short when he noticed her, barely two long strides away from him.

“You’re still here?” he breathed, expression obscured by the moonless night.

Astrid didn’t know what to do with his sudden appearance, all the emotions she’d just bottled up dangerously close to the surface, “What? What is it?” She begged, “What can you possibly have to say that could make me feel like any more of a fucking asshole than I already do?”

He blinked at that, staring at her with a look she couldn’t decipher. Did he want to yell at her? Tell her he was done with her? She waited for him to say it, desperate to get it over with, but apparently it was Sebastian’s turn to be at a loss for words. When he finally spoke, it wasn’t at all what Astrid had been expecting:

“You’re in love with me?”

All the pressure that had been holding her up suddenly left her, it felt like she’d been expecting one more step on a dark staircase and had unexpectedly reached the bottom.

She crossed her arms, feeling her face grow warm, “No, I’m just going to throw myself at any emo boy I find in a thunderstorm.”

He didn’t move, focused on her with a strange intensity.

In less than an hour Astrid’s life had become even more surreal and complicated than it had been before, and at the same time, it all seemed so much simpler now. She threw her hands wide, “Fine. Yes. If you must know, I love you. You’re standoffish and antisocial and, sometimes, kind of an asshole, and I am completely in love with you.”

A small, careful smile ticked up the corner of his mouth, “You look like an embarrassed cat.” Sebastian ran a hand through his hair, pushing it back, and the barely there smile melted away, “I don’t care about him. It’s driving me fucking crazy that you’re married to him, but I’m not giving this up. I can’t.”

Astrid could feel the tears behind her eyes again. Wiping them away with the heal of her palm, she said, “I never wanted to hurt anyone. You never should’ve gotten mixed up with me.”

Sebastian shook his head, still staring at her, “No. Fuck this.”

Between one heartbeat and the next he’d crossed the space between them. She dug her fingers into his sweater and he kissed her until he’d chased all the breath from her lungs. Even as her chest ached for oxygen, she tightened her hold on him. The chill from the night air had been replaced by the heat of Sebastian’s body pressing close to hers. When they both finally had to breathe, the taste of menthol lingered in her mouth.

As much as she hated to break the spell of the moment, the electricity in her veins was already being overridden by the exhaustion that had been building up all day, “It’s really late. I should go home,” she said, laying her head against Sebastian’s shoulder.

“Yeah, me too, I guess. I don’t want to.”

He leaned in close to her ear, pressing one more kiss to her temple and left her with a whisper.

_I love you too._


	13. River of Tears

When Astrid awoke the next day, the need to see Sebastian again was all she could think about. It felt as if the mere memory of the quiet, dark-haired boy was physically pulling at something in her chest and every moment she didn’t turn and hurry up the mountain made it harder to breathe properly.

All morning as she worked, Astrid would suddenly find herself flashing back to the light-headed buzz that had filled her when Sebastian kissed her out in the open, the shiver that had traced down her spine from the heat of his breath on her skin when he whispered that he loved her. For all that they hadn’t actually gone to the saloon that night, Astrid had gone home feeling intoxicated.

And yet, as much as she wanted nothing more than to drop everything and spend the rest of the day with him, Sebastian had been right; she still cared for Elliot, and she needed to figure things out before… Well, before.

Astrid knew now what it was that she truly wanted, or maybe she’d just stopped lying to herself. And though the argument she’d carried on with herself for months now had changed, she still didn’t know how to solve the problem without hating herself for the rest of her life.

Luckily there was no shortage of work to be done on a farm in the last few days leading up to summer. And when there wasn’t any, she found some.

She was halfway up to her elbows in old boots when she’d found the old note from Demetrius in a chest while she’d been distracting herself with some stress cleaning. At first, she’d crumpled it up and tossed it into the fireplace with a bundle of other old letters, some of which had been, frankly, ridiculous (some mysterious stranger trying to lure her to the deepest parts of the mines? Yeah right), and gotten back to sorting.

But she couldn’t get the idea out of her head. Providence and her poor organizational skills had just handed her a perfectly justifiable reason to… take a walk up the mountain. With no end goal in mind whatsoever. Except delivering Demetrius’ melon, of course (she wasn’t sure what kind of scientific experiments could be done on a melon – outside of the taste-testing variety – but then, Astrid _had_ been a liberal arts major).

Once she’d made up her mind, it was all Astrid could do to take the time to put everything back into the chests she’d been putting everything she needed to deal with ‘later’ in since she’d moved to the valley. By that time, the pressure in her chest had built up so much she’d nearly left without the melon for Demetrius, which was, obviously, the whole reason for her to go in the first place.

She decided to take the long way through town. It was still pretty early, no need to rush really. She’d enjoy the walk, the warm breeze blowing strands of her hair loose, and maybe she’d stop in at the saloon and grab some coffee. Astrid hadn’t ever been a huge coffee drinker, but for some reason she found herself coming to appreciate the taste more and more. She ran her tongue over her bottom lip, remembering the second-hand echo of the bitter flavour on mingled breaths.

Astrid shook her head, taking a deep breath as she entered the town square and hoped nobody noticed the heat she could feel rising in her cheeks. Her steps slowed and she closed her eyes, tipping her head back with a sigh as a familiar dark cloud fell over her, obscuring the giddiness she’d been feeling all morning.

What was she thinking? She shouldn’t be doing this. She’d spent the whole weekend telling herself she couldn’t keep doing this. She had to get her life together, and she wasn’t going to manage that by breaking her own rules.

It had just been an excuse – of course it was. She’d received the letter from Demetrius _over a year ago_. If, _if_ , the scientist even remembered that he’d asked for a melon at this point, all he’d remember was that she hadn’t brought it to him a year ago. No, she had to stop lying to herself all the time, all the pain and grief over the past few months all because she was afraid to be honest with herself. About herself.

Astrid suddenly couldn’t get enough air, the crushing weight of what she knew would have to happen was holding her in place. She couldn’t keep going on like this which meant the moment she turned around, she’d be walking into what would likely be one of the worst days of her life. Her heart was fluttering behind her ribs like a caged bird, and when Astrid lifted a hand to press it against her chest, she could see she was shaking. Was she about to collapse? Good thing she was in front of Harvey’s, then.

A laugh that sounded a little hysterical even to Astrid escaped her at the thought.

“Hey, there Astrid! Haven’t seen you around in a while.”

Astrid refocused her eyes and found Robin had come around the corner of Pierre’s. She hadn’t even noticed. She stared at the red-headed woman, trying to get enough breath to tell her she was fine so she could get away.

Concern filled Robin’s eyes and she took a few steps towards Astrid, pushing a duffel bag back over her shoulders, “Honey, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she pushed out, feeling tears scald their way down her cheeks as something inside her cracked.

She was barely aware of Robin leading her away from the center of town, up into relative privacy of the empty park, and sitting her down at one of the rarely used picnic benches.

The other woman didn’t say anything other than “breathe” as Astrid fought to stop the heaving, gasping sobs that felt more like a spasm than real crying. It was the same deep, heartbroken release of pain she hadn’t experienced since the first night she and her dad had spent in their home alone after her mother’s death. An expression of loss that rode over a person like a storm, and all they could do was wait for it to pass.

Eventually it did pass, and Astrid was left sitting in the quiet feeling like a hiccupping, wrung-out shell. And her head hurt. Crying always gave Astrid a headache. As she roughly wiped away the last of the tears, Robin shifted in her seat on the bench beside her, turning to face Astrid.

“Let’s try that again, farmer, because clearly you aren’t fine. What’s going on?”

Robin already knew so much of the story, and at the same time she didn’t know it at all. All of Astrid’s problems with Elliot would take on an entirely different light if the woman knew that Astrid had cheated on her husband. And despite all her dread that anyone would find out (not that she’d been successful in that endeavor either), Astrid found herself wanting to tell Robin what she’d done. She wanted to unburden herself, but embarrassment on a whole different level flooded her at the thought of telling Robin what she’d done with the woman’s _son_.

She couldn’t look Robin in the eyes, so she just shook her head, staring down at her feet, and heard herself whisper, “He never should have fallen in love with me.”

She wasn’t quite sure who she meant.

“What are you doing, Astrid?” The words were quiet, but they felt like a lash.

Astrid cringed, feeling her shoulders tense as she waited for Robin to echo all the things she’d been telling herself for month; that she had to get it over with, stop being a coward, stop ruining other people’s lives. She flinched when, to her surprise, Robin placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and squeezed.

“Farmer, out of anyone in this town, I know what it’s to go down this road. It’s not an easy decision, even when you know it’s the right one. But look what putting it off is doing to you. You have to make a choice now; it’s not fair to either of you to leave things as they are.”

If one or two more stray tears slipped down the younger woman’s cheeks, Robin had the grace to pretend she didn’t notice.

She lowered her voice and continued, sending a shock through Astrid, “It’s not fair to Sebastian, either.”

Astrid’s head shot up and she didn’t know what she looked like as she tried to come up with an excuse, or _something_ (although dying fish probably would be an accurate description), but Robin watched her with laughter in her eyes that was only betrayed by a small smirk that looked a little too much like the one Astrid loved on Sebastian.

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed _his_ interest in the situation,” Robin continued sounding quite pleased with Astrid’s reaction, “He might think he’s a closed book, but he goes around grinning like an idiot these days and there aren’t too many reasons a person acts like that.”

If Robin’s goal had been to help Astrid forget about her other issues by killing her with embarrassment, it was working. Astrid hid her burning face in her hands and groaned.

“And I may be a little biased when it comes to my son’s happiness, but that doesn’t mean I don’t genuinely care about yours too. No matter what you choose, _who_ you choose – and it doesn’t necessarily have to be anyone – you just need to do it. For yourself.”

Despite still struggling to come to terms with the fact that Robin seemed not only aware of, but unnervingly supportive of her son’s feelings for Astrid (who was _very_ glad she hadn’t admitted to having sex with someone), Astrid let Robin’s words sink into her. As she sat with them for a moment, Astrid felt the knot in the pit of her stomach that she’d only been managing to tangle worse the harder she tried to fix it start to come loose.

Robin began rubbing Astrid’s back in small, soothing circles, and action that felt so quintessentially like a mom thing to do that Astrid couldn’t help but relax.

“I’ve known from the moment I saw you get off that bus, so young and so determined to take on your grandfather’s farm without a bit of experience, that you’d be the type to take on too much and not think to ask for help. Now, you’ve managed to get that farm under control pretty well, but that doesn’t mean you’re invincible. Everybody needs help sometimes, doesn’t matter how old you get,” Astrid sat up a bit and nodded so Robin new she was listening, “And I don’t ever want to catch you having a breakdown in the middle of town again. Or anywhere, for that matter. Next time you feel overwhelmed I expect you to talk to someone about it, properly.”

Sniffling, Astrid nodded again, “I will.”

“Alright. Now, are you going to be okay? I can sit with you as long as you need me; I’d be lying if I said I was eager to get to exercise class.”

Astrid couldn’t help the small smile that flickered across her face at the sound of genuine reluctance in Robin’s voice, “No, I’m fine – _really_ this time.” She took a deep, if somewhat shaky breath, “I think there’s something I have to go home and do now.”

Robin didn’t say anything, just watched the younger woman until Astrid looked up to meet her eyes. Whatever she saw there seemed to be enough because she nodded, gave Astrid one last pat on the shoulder, and picked up her bag before turning around and making her way back to town.

***

In her pettier moments Astrid had found herself wishing Elliot had been cruel, or didn’t want her anymore, anything to make the prospect of breaking his heart easier to bear. But that wasn’t fair to Elliot, of course she wouldn’t have wanted him to be like that; Elliot wasn’t perfect (neither of them was), but he could never be the sort of person who would hurt her on purpose. Even when he didn’t understand her unhappiness, he’d tried. No, if anyone was going to be the monster in their relationship it was going to be her, even if only because she’d wished for even a moment that it would be Elliot instead.

She didn’t want to be the monster, the one who would tear down someone else’s life and make them feel unwanted and unloved. And she didn’t think it would be much consolation to tell someone that you still cared about them when you ended a two-year marriage.

It felt like another justification to tell herself that it would be for the best – that she was doing it, in part, for Elliot. But as she began the walk back to her home, Astrid thought about what Robin had been telling her. If ever there was a time when being selfish _was_ the best thing for both of them, this might be it. Ending things with Elliot would hurt, for both of them, but leaving things in this toxic limbo like she had been was just drawing the hurt out.

When she’d thought of leaving Elliot for Sebastian it hadn’t felt right. It wouldn’t have been right. She’d needed to make the decision to leave Elliot for herself, not because of someone else. That was no foundation to start over with. She didn’t know where things would go from there, she knew where she’d like them to go, eventually, but it would be a bad idea to rush into anything again.

Part of the reason she and Elliot had gotten married so quickly had been born out of the persistent, low grade fear of being really on her own for the first time in her life, and clearly that had been a mistake. If she and Sebastian had a hope at a real relationship after this, she wanted it to be done properly. And maybe that needed to start with Astrid being on her own for a while.

But it was time to put any thoughts of the future away, and stop running from what she needed to do now. One thing at a time.

She found him, as always, in his study. For a moment, Astrid balked at doing this in a room he had found his sanctuary in but, after all, that was hardly going to matter tomorrow was it?

He was sitting at his desk, staring at a small model ship, deep in thought. Astrid stopped at the threshold, just watching him, wondering what thoughts he was lost in. She waited until he became aware of her presence, turning to look at her in askance.

“Astrid? Did you need something?”

She found herself examining the small, detailed ship as well, anything to not look into those eyes as he came to the realization of what she was about to do, “I-I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something. For a while.”

“Ah.” For such a simple response, Astrid spent far too long trying to figure out what it meant. Did he already know? Had he been thinking the same thing, or waiting for her to bring it up? Maybe he was just hoping she’d say whatever it was and leave him alone to get back to his writing…

“Elliot- Things haven’t been- _I_ haven’t been-”

He waited for her to continue, Astrid could feel his eyes on her, and she’d started it now without planning what to say because that had always been the problem, she never knew what to say to him!  

“Are you still happy with me?”

The question startled her into looking directly at Elliot. He looked back at her, properly looked at her in a way she wasn’t sure he ever had before, and Astrid felt the air leave her lungs.

He cleared his throat, looking down at his hands, “I haven’t been blind, you know,” he murmured, “I’ve felt you doubting, pulling away from me. I tried to fix things in my way, but I suppose I’m just as poor a husband as I am a gardener.” He chuckled, but the way he looked at her when she did so was pained, “I was never able to tell if I was over-tending you or neglecting you, and you have always seemed to thrive without my help.”

Elliot looked back at her again, his expression begging her to say that he was wrong, that she needed him. Astrid _wanted_ to. She wanted to stop this before it went beyond the point of no return.

When she didn’t say it, though, he dropped his gaze once more, “I would have given you anything I could to erase your misgivings. But there _is_ nothing I can give you, is there?”

The words didn’t want to come out, but this time, she made them, “Elliot, I’m sorry…”

He was so still she thought he might disappear entirely if she looked away.

“I see.”

She had no idea if he really did, she didn’t know how she’d thought things would go in this moment, but Elliot’s passiveness hadn’t been what she’d expected. Killing every last hope of not being the monster, she made herself say, “Elliot, things haven’t been right between us for a long time. I think- I _know_ , we can’t keep pretending,” she choked on the words, then took a deep breath to steady herself, “Tomorrow I’m going to go see the Mayor, and I’m going to file for divorce.”

Astrid wrapped her arms around herself, not knowing what else to do with them, “I don’t- I didn’t want to hurt you,” Elliot put so much stock in words and their power, but nothing Astrid could think to say could possibly convey everything she wanted him to know, everything she regretted and intended, “I don’t want to _keep_ hurting you,” she tacked on uselessly.

The words fell to the hard floor between them, strange and unpalatable things that poisoned the silence that followed. Elliot hadn’t reacted to them, still hadn’t moved.

 “Please just say something,” she begged.

It was as if she were trapped in amber, waiting for him to acknowledge her existence one more time, to release her. She began to think they’d be trapped there together all night when he gave her the last thing she would ever ask of him, voice raw, “What can there possibly be left to say?”

 

Even after everything, Astrid was still a coward. She fled the house and it felt wrong beyond belief to step out into the farm and find bright sunlight, and realize it was still early afternoon.

There was no coming back from this, it was really over now. She’d expected to cry more, but mostly she just felt hollow. She walked mechanically until she came to the copse of trees where her grandfather’s shrine was, and was a little surprised that this is where her feet had carried her. It had been a long time since she’d been to visit, and didn’t really know what else a person did after telling their spouse they wanted a divorce, so she sat down, leaning back against the stone bench, and waited for the feeling to come back to her. At some point, George found her, appearing out of the brush with bits of tree stuck to him. She busied herself grooming the orange cat, happy to do something other than think for once, and when his fur was smooth she continued to stroke him, feeling the rumbling purr vibrate down to her bones.

When the sun began to set and the cold night air began to seep into her skin, Astrid couldn’t put off going home anymore. For all the crying she’d done earlier that day, she still just felt empty, if a little but lighter now that it was done. She stood, displacing George from her lap, and wondered distantly what she’d find when she got home.

The house was silent when she walked into the kitchen, her cat at her heels, begging for his dinner. None of the lights had been turned on, but in the flickering light of the kitchen fireplace, Astrid saw a piece of folded paper propped up on the table, her name addressed on it in Elliot’s fine writing.

She made herself go through the motions of pouring food and fresh water into George’s bowls before she read it, aware of the letter’s presence like a sentient thing. When that was all done, she finally let herself walk to the table and sit down.

All it said, in the end, was that he’d gone back to his cabin and that he’d return later for his belongings. Several lines had been heavily crossed out, but she couldn’t bring herself to try to read them. Astrid put the letter back on the table, crossed the house to Elliot’s familiar study, and pulled the door closed so that she wouldn’t have to see it, wouldn’t forget and look for him there.

And then, at last, she cried.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof.


	14. Where We Go

Despite having spent most of her recent days trying to avoid really being alone with Elliot, once he was gone, Astrid was embarrassed to admit that what she felt the most wasn’t relief or anger or grief, it was loneliness.

Not that she regretted ending her marriage, she didn’t (no, there were plenty of other decisions she had made to regret), but it had been so long since she’d felt so alone in a place. Just the missing presence of another person somewhere in the house was enough to make it feel like a different place, like she’d walked through the looking glass into a house that was almost-but-not-quite. Somehow the quiet felt louder.

Those first days after Elliot left were a lot of waiting. Waiting for the divorce to go through, waiting for the inevitable looks and whispers… waiting for the sharp ache in her chest to dull to something she could live with.

Blessedly, the Mayor hadn’t been at home when Astrid arrived there early the next morning. She honestly hadn’t known what she’d planned to say to him when she went to apply for a divorce (if she’d let herself think about telling people, Astrid had worried she’d begin to second guess everything), and she was just glad to be gone before the Mayor returned and saw the paperwork she’d left on the table.

Everything she’d been working herself up to had led to that moment, and in the end, it was just a moment, and after she hadn’t known where to go or what to do with herself, so she’d gone to check on her chickens. If anyone had asked Astrid a year ago, she never would have guessed that ‘chickens’ would be a thing she’d find calming, but there was something about watching their fat, fluffy little bodies and their contented clucks as they dozed. Somehow, Astrid had spent the entire morning sitting in the grass and just watching them. Letting herself not think about the rest of it for a while.

When she’d finally found the courage to walk back inside her empty home, she’d found Elliot’s study door was ajar.

Holding her breath, Astrid had approached the room unsure of exactly what she wanted to find on the other side of the door, or didn’t. When she found a room emptied of all of the personal touches that had made it Elliot’s – his papers, the old-fashioned ink and quill he liked, even the damn half-dead houseplant he’d brought from the cabin – it had felt like a kick to the stomach. Only then had she really become aware of the other things missing from the house. There wasn’t much, Elliot had never been a material sort of person, just small things that she’d never paid much attention to when they’d been there, but seemed to alter the entire house with their absence.

At some point in the space of a few hours Elliot had returned, packed his belongings, and vanished again. And that had felt so much more final than signing any paperwork ever could.

Faced with the prospect of spending another night alone in her home which suddenly seemed so much colder (even the ever-chivalrous George could only provide so much comfort), Astrid had thought about what Robin had told her about asking for help, and for a change of pace, she’d decided to actually try that.

Abigail had been surprisingly willing to drop everything and come stay with her for a night, distracting Astrid with video games, chocolate cake, and movies until they both had passed out. She’d even made a quiet offer to talk to Sebastian for Astrid, which she’d declined, but she _had_ asked the purple-haired girl to pass along a letter. She’d needed him to know that she loved him, that she wasn’t abandoning him, but it didn’t feel right to jump into a relationship right away. Ultimately, Astrid had just needed to spend some time by herself.

And for a few weeks, that’s what Astrid did. She let herself feel sad, angry, and most of all, let herself not feel guilty about her choice.

She’d been worried that the villagers might hate her; Elliot might not have grown up in Stardew Valley either, but he’d been living in Pelican Town a lot longer than Astrid. She knew at the very least their divorce would be the subject of town gossip for a while to come, and (mostly) everyone in town had always been friendly towards her, but she also couldn’t help but think about Sebastian’s dad and the way no one ever referenced Robin’s first marriage. Would they shun her too?

One morning, after spending a couple of days hiding out on her farm, Astrid had left her house in the morning to find she had mail. Shane had sent her a frozen pizza he’d somehow (she didn’t want to know _how_ ) smuggled out of the Joja Mart, sent without commentary. After that, it didn’t seem like a day went by without a letter appearing from one of the friends she’d made in town letting her know they’d been thinking of her while still respecting her privacy.

Life carried on – after all it was summer and she couldn’t let a little thing like a major life change get in the way of planting and harvesting – and things seemed to return to mostly normal with a surprisingly easy transition. Astrid did skip the Luau, however. It would be overwhelming enough for Elliot to have the entire town out in front of his cabin so soon after the divorce, never mind her being there to make things more awkward. And she’d have been lying if she’d claimed she missed also having to mingle with everyone so soon.

Before Astrid knew it, summer was coming to a close and most importantly, she’d managed to survive it all. Astrid spent the last day of summer wandering through the woods south of her farm, searching out the odd wild grapes and spice berries that could always be found in the summer – very quickly, she knew, the weather would turn and these would be the last of the forgeable summer fruits.

By the time she was ready to call it a day, the sun had moved well past the middle of the deep blue sky, but hopefully she’d have time to make it to Pierre’s before he closed for the evening. Sure, she could always just dump the lot into the bin by her house to be picked up, but she wasn’t quite ready to go home yet. That feeling of loneliness had never quite gone away, but it was different now; Astrid wasn’t so quick to disappear into seclusion anymore, she’d become accustomed to walking through town and stopping to talk with the other villagers, getting some human interaction.

Astrid was busy shifting around the contents of her backpack, searching for the radishes that Abby’s mom had posted a request for on the notice board, as she turned onto the path that led into town by Marnie’s ranch. Out of her peripheral vision, she saw someone walking in her direction and suddenly coming to a stop. Her eyes flicked up – barely taking notice of the person, just making sure she wasn’t about to walk right into them – and stumbled, nearly tripping over her own feet.

Elliot stood only a few feet away from her, face unreadable. He glanced behind himself, looking as if he were debating just turning around and ignoring Astrid’s existence altogether. For some reason, Astrid’s first thought was to wonder if he was going to visit Leah- She cut the thought off there. Astrid had chosen not to be a part of Elliot’s life anymore; it was none of her business where he was going. She couldn’t let herself become that woman.

But it had been so long since she’d seen Elliot. In part because she’d been hoping not to, but also because she’d been avoiding the beach in an effort to give him some space. That hadn’t stopped her wondering, though, if he hated her, missed her, had already moved on…

Some stupid, impulsive part of Astrid’s brain couldn’t help but ask, “Elliot… H-how are you?”

When he turned back to face her, Elliot’s carefully guarded expression turned into a scowl and he responded with an anguished whisper, “Why do you torment me? Can’t you see you’ve shattered all my hopes and dreams?”

The look he gave her drove the breath from Astrid’s lungs. Every bit of the lingering guilt she had managed to cut away from herself bloomed in her chest again, like an invisible cancer.

“I’m sorry. I’ll leave you alone.” What had she really expected him to say? Dropping her head, Astrid pushed past him as quickly as possible, trying to keep her eyes to the dirt path.

She hadn’t made it more than a few steps when Elliot turned to look at her again and called out, as if he too, couldn’t quite help himself, “Just tell me, please… Was there someone else?”

Astrid froze, reminding herself to breath as she considered her answer. She didn’t have to say anything at all, she could simply keep walking. But she still felt that she owed him the truth, just as much as she owed it to the man not to cause him anymore senseless pain.

She turned to look him in the eyes, once again trying to convey everything that she knew her meager words would fail to, “Elliot… I didn’t end our relationship for anyone else. It was something I needed to do for me. And as much as it probably doesn’t feel like it, I did it for you, too.”

She knew they wouldn’t be the magical words that suddenly made everything that was between them go away, but she hoped that one day, when Elliot wasn’t hurting so much, he might be able to forgive her.

Now, however, Elliot simply looked down, took a breath, and then turned and walked away from her.

 

In the end, Astrid was too late to make it to Pierre’s.

Finding the shop closed and not really feeling like spending time at the saloon (and besides, Gus would probably be closing up early tonight anyway), Astrid decided to sit and enjoy the last of the summer weather. She took a seat on the stone bench near the community center, dropping her bag by her feet with a sigh.

She had no real frame of reference for how long the feelings of guilt would last. Maybe it would always be with her, in some form or another. Astrid had never had a relationship that had been serious enough before now to know. And if she were being entirely honest with herself, Astrid didn’t really feel _guilty_ exactly, but sick that she had been responsible for causing someone she cared about pain that she didn’t have the ability to alleviate. She just had to accept that she was already doing everything she could for Elliot by simply staying away from him. She had to let herself accept that it was no longer in her hands to make Elliot happy.

The only person anyone, Astrid included, was capable of truly making happy was themselves.

The overgrown bushes beside the bench reached out leaves which scratched gently against Astrid’s arm. In only a couple weeks there would be clusters of blackberries on these bushes. It seemed like hardly any time at all had passed since the last time she’d gone berry picking, finding Sebastian at work on his dad’s motorcycle, getting to see a glimpse of the real him for the first time. So much in her life had changed since that day.

She glanced up at the slowly darkening sky. It wouldn’t be long now before people started making their way towards the beach, getting ready to celebrate the end of another summer and welcome the rare jellies that would appear beneath the moonlight. Astrid wouldn’t be going this year… but there was somewhere she did want to go.

Throwing her bag back over her shoulder, Astrid turned, not back towards her farm, but up the mountain path.

In the weeks since she and Elliot had been divorced, Astrid had done her best not to think about the other reason she’d been feeling so alone. It had been her decision to give it some time before starting anything new, but that didn’t mean she’d been able to turn off the part of her that wanted, as she had almost from the moment she’d met him, to seek out Sebastian.

As much as it had been its own sort of torture, to keep herself from seeing him for so long, it had also been a kind of relief. A small voice in the back of her mind had wondered for a long time if the way she felt about Sebastian wasn’t simply an infatuation driven by her unhappy marriage. Now Astrid was certain, now she knew where she wanted to be, and the person she wanted to be with.

As she entered the clearing in front of the carpenter shop, Astrid was surprised to find the garage door open, and the person she’d come looking for walking out. Before she could think of something to say, Sebastian caught sight of her, straightening and running a hand nervously through the hair that fell over his eyes.

“Hey,” she said, coming to a stop before him. Her voice was quiet, almost swallowed up by the night.

“Hey, Astrid. I was just about to head out.”

She couldn’t take her eyes from him. Astrid cleared her throat, “Oh, right. Are you, uh, are you going down to the beach?” Ugh, she sounded like a teenager talking to her first crush. No, teenaged Astrid would have rolled her eyes at the embarrassment of an opening line like that.

To her surprise, Sebastian shook his head and gestured behind him, where she could see the gleam of his motorcycle waiting at the mouth of the garage.

His eyes searched her face for a moment before he said, “Hop on… I want to show you something.”

She didn’t know why everything felt so tentative between them. It was strange to feel like the act of sitting behind him, putting her arms around his waist, feeling the warmth of his body seeping into hers, was so intimate. Whether the time apart or the fact that there was no other relationship standing between them anymore, it was as if they were back at the beginning and trying to get to know one another again.

Sebastian didn’t tell her where they were going and Astrid didn’t feel the need to ask. He took her out onto the same highway she’d first arrived by, and as night fell and the full moon began to crest the hills in the distance, they just drove.

She didn’t know how long they’d been riding in silence, it felt simultaneously like forever and no time at all, when Sebastian began to slow the bike. He pulled onto a shoulder of highway where the trees gave way to a ledge overlooking a distant cityscape.

As they climbed off the bike and Sebastian led her closer to the edge, standing close but not quite touching now that there wasn’t the excuse of sharing a seat to give them one, Astrid still didn’t say anything. More than anything, it felt important to let Sebastian take the lead in this place. She remembered him saying, nearly a year ago now, that maybe he’d take her for a ride one day. Even then she’d gotten the sense that doing so would mean more than just the thrill of flying down the road on the back of Sebastian’s motorcycle.

Astrid looked out over the sudden drop, a dark expanse filled with even more forest, wild and unknown, and rising up in the center of it, the bright ember of a city at night, filled with streaks and starbursts of light. Even though, at times, Astrid had found living in the city suffocating, she’d always found the lights at night beautiful.

“I come here when I want to get away from everything and just… think.”

She was almost surprised to hear Sebastian speak at all, she’d been so lost in her own thoughts. Out the corner of her eye she saw that he’d lit a cigarette. He took a few steps away from her, blowing the smoke behind them.

Without turning to look at her, he asked, “So what do you think?”

That was always the sort of question that Astrid would usually just give a normal, uncomplicated answer, but tonight there was no room in her to come up with something other than the truth, “It gives me a strange, sad feeling.”

Sebastian ground out his barely smoked cigarette, turning back to face Astrid with a small smile, “Yeah, that’s exactly how I feel, too.” 

He released a deep sigh and looked out over the distance again, “The city used to draw me in… but now I’m finding myself happier at home in the valley.”

Astrid couldn’t help the warm flutter in her chest at those words, or maybe at the feeling of Sebastian’s eyes on her, subtly watching her reactions. She hoped, couldn’t help it, that she might be part of the reason he was happy.

“Astrid?” She looked up at him, seeing the suggestion of flushed cheeks in the dark before he dropped her gaze, looking away over at the city lights again before he continued, “I don’t usually bring girls to this place… In fact, you’re the only one.”

 He looked her in the eyes then, the look of uncertainty clear on his face, “You know I’m in love with you, don’t you?”

Astrid hadn’t realized, until he told her again, how afraid she’d been that it wasn’t true anymore. She tried to answer but couldn’t quite find her voice, so she nodded, never breaking the eye contact between them as Sebastian closed the distance, framed her face with slightly shaking hands, and pulled her in for a kiss, sweet and unhurried beneath the moon high above.

 

They stumbled down the stairs to Sebastian’s room, wrapped around each other but unwilling to let go long enough to see where they were going. Sebastian’s hands dropped to her waist, pulling her closer, closer. The small distance between them that they’d both been too afraid to cross earlier had shrunk down into the barest of space and it still felt like they were too far apart. Astrid hadn’t realized how starved for this she’d been until the moment he’d touched her again. She breathed him in like she’d been holding her own fading breath since the last time.

The restraint they’d managed on the ride back to the valley had snapped the moment they arrived. Astrid honestly didn’t know how they’d made it home; it had been all she could do not to let her hands wander as she held tightly to Sebastian, but after she’d been unable to resist pressing her breasts against him and they’d nearly swerved into a tree, she’d made more of an effort at patience.

Sebastian’s back struck his door with a solid thwack and Astrid spared a thought to be grateful that everyone else in the house would still be down at the beach.

Still not wanting to pull away, Sebastian reached blindly behind himself, searching for the door handle with one hand still tangled in Astrid’s hair. He nearly fell through when he found it, pulling Astrid in along with him, only to push her back up against the door, slamming it shut once more. This time Astrid was the one reaching behind her, finding the lock and flipping it so they wouldn’t be interrupted.

Sebastian groaned at the sound, head rolling back as she proceeded to nip a trail down his throat to his collar, “Maybe–” he gasped, “Maybe we should go to your place. It might be weird if you run into my mom in the morning.”

Astrid didn’t know if he genuinely believed either of them would make it all the way back to her farm, but a giggle rose up at the prospect of creeping out of Sebastian’s room early in the morning, shoes in hand, only to run into Robin.

The woman would probably high-five her.

“Uh, I don’t think she’ll mind,” Astrid laughed, sliding her fingers under the edge of Sebastian’s jeans.

He pulled back slightly, a dazed look of confusion on his face, “What?”

“Never mind. I’ll explain later. Pants off now, please.”

They left a trail of clothing behind them until, down to the last layer, Astrid backed Sebastian against the couch and pushed him down onto it. She straddled his lap, running her fingers through his hair until she could tug his head back and meet his lips with hers again.

His hands went immediately to her hips, pressing Astrid down against him as she rocked subconsciously. He moved himself against her in time with the rhythm she’d set.

“Mmm… Wait,” she breathed, shifting herself back in his lap. For a moment, Astrid just took in the image of him, the sheer beauty of a dishevelled, glassy-eyed and red-lipped Sebastian beneath her. They were both breathless and grinning at each other like idiots.

Astrid felt her blood run hotter as a thought occurred to her, and as Sebastian’s attention began to wander with his hands, stroking lightly at her breasts, biting his already swollen bottom lip, she shivered at the memory she’d kept buried, saved for lonely nights.

“I–” her breath hitched as one of Sebastian’s thumbs stroked over a hardened nipple, “I had this dream once,” she breathed.

Suddenly, Sebastian’s attention was focused entirely on her hands as she tugged at the waistband of his underwear. Swallowing loudly, he lifted his hips beneath her so that she could tug them down just enough to release his erection.

Already hard, he twitched in the suddenly cooler air. Sebastian’s face was a dark red as she looked at him without touching, but nowhere near as red as he turned when she leaned in to whisper, “I want to watch you.”

Sebastian’s hands were clenched tightly on the couch now. “What?”

Astrid brought her eyes up to meet his and clarified, heart racing, “Show me how you like to be touched.”

A breath shuddered out of him and he didn’t break eye contact with her as he reached down between them and wrapped a hand around himself. Astrid leaned back again so she could see him fully as Sebastian began to stroke himself, unable to look anywhere else, though she could still feel his eyes locked on her face.

His cock was flushed a deep red, precum already starting to pearl at the crown. Sebastian breathed in sharply as he pressed his thumb over the slit, spreading it across the sensitive head. Astrid was barely aware that she’d slipped her hand inside her panties, slowly stroking herself in time with Sebastian’s pace, until she heard him mutter a soft _fuck_ and looked up to find he wasn’t watching her face any longer.

Suddenly, Sebastian’s hands were gripping her hips again and Astrid was being flipped onto her back. Above her, half off of the too small couch, Sebastian lifter her hips so he could strip off her underwear as well, and the next thing she knew, he’d dropped to his knees on the floor, dragging her towards him, the warm wet heat of his mouth replacing her hand.

She’d been wrong, she laughed, watching Sebastian stroke himself off – while still one of the most beautiful things she ever seen – was not the hottest thing she could imagine anymore. Not when she was spread out on the familiar couch, in Sebastian’s room, with his head between her legs as her back arched and she writhed on his tongue, the sounds of her own moans and fevered pleading filling the room,

“Sebastian, Sebastian, I’m gonna cum, oh god please.” She could feel her orgasm building up inside her. She played her breasts, bra removed at some point she couldn’t remember now, but it didn’t matter because she was _so close_. And then she cried out as Sebastian pulled away, leaving her unfinished and half mad with the emptiness she was now exposed to.

Before she could miss him for more than a moment, though, he’d wrapped her legs around his waist and picked her up. She twined her arms around his neck for good measure, running her tongue across the seam of his lips until he opened up for her. She could taste herself on him.

Somehow, they’d gotten to the other side of the room and Sebastian laid her carefully down on the bed. Astrid raised herself up onto her elbows, reaching between them to gently stroke her fingers along the length of his poor, neglected cock, making Sebastian’s whole body jerk at the touch.

He grabbed her hands, “That’s probably not a good idea at this point,” he breathed as he climbed over her. He twined his fingers in hers and pressed her hands into the bed above Astrid’s head and then it was his turn to drink in the image of her spread out beneath him.

“Do you know how much I–” His voice was low, roughened, and he shook his head without finishing the thought.

Astrid opened her mouth to say something, but he saved her from not knowing what by kissing her again. It was a kiss filled with hunger and so many other things.

She whimpered into his mouth, wrapping her legs around him again to urge him on, just needing one more thing to feel complete in that moment. In one torturously slow stroke, he filled her, the slide of him inside of her maddening. When she couldn’t wait any longer she cried out, “Sebastian, please, just fuck me already.”

She supposed it should have been something more romantic, but it was all she could do to get out a coherent sentence at that point.

Sebastian dropped his head against her chest and laughed and it was the most beautiful sound she’d ever heard, and then he looked up at her again with a wolfish grin and the laughter still glinting in his dark eyes and Astrid knew she was in trouble.

 

***

 

She didn’t know what time it was, or what woke her.

The room was dark and it took a moment for Astrid to remember where she was. Then she realized what had woken her as the covers shifted and Sebastian paused at the edge of the bed, water glass in hand.

“Sorry, did I wake you?”

Astrid shook her head, grinning at the mess of bedhead, and let her eyes trail down his chest as he put down his glass and climbed back into bed beside her, wearing only a pair of pajama bottoms. He’d given her the closest shirt within reach to protect her modesty. Or, possibly, because he had seemed to be having a hard time looking her in the eyes without it.

She rolled to face the wall, pulling Sebastian’s arm over her waist so that his body was pressed close along hers. Chest, hips, thighs, feet tangled together beneath the covers. His nose nuzzled against the skin beneath her ear and he pressed a kiss there when she sighed with contentment. A part of her wanted very much to follow through with that kiss, but the rest of her had never felt so at peace.

Astrid was just drifting back to sleep, warm and happy with the warmth of Sebastian all around her when his voice in the dark brought her immediately back to consciousness, “Hey, what did you mean about my mom earlier?”

Astrid groaned, barely resisting the urge to pull the blanket up over her head and ignore him. _That_ was definitely a conversation for another day. Turning to face him once more, Astrid reached for the hem of her borrowed shirt.

As it happened, she knew just how to distract him.


End file.
